Off Topic => Ole Talk => Topic started by: KillZone on April 12, 2005, 09:25:43 PM
Title: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on April 12, 2005, 09:25:43 PM
Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They take her to a local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!" In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it." The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?" "No. I couldnt get on the bed!"
Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. "I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder." "What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light." "What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on April 13, 2005, 11:35:40 PM
One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on April 14, 2005, 11:49:46 PM
A Group Of Four Very Close Friends
There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson, and a carpenter that met everyday for breakfast at a low income diner. They were all married except the salesman. When he was married, he went on his honeymoon with his wife. The other three still met for breakfast when he was gone. An idea came up to play some practical jokes on the new married person. "I'll make his bed slant so his bed will collapse when he is making love," said the carpenter. "I'll hot wire his mattress so that he'll feel immence heat while making love.' "Those are good ideas," said the dentist. "But I am not going to tell you what I'm going to do.' The next day the salesman comes into the diner. He says "I congratulate you guys for making my bed collapse, and I thank you for making my bed really hot, but I'm going to kill the bastard who put novocaine in the vaseline."
A Husband's Moment of Realization
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on April 19, 2005, 09:42:41 PM
A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right." Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct." Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "That's right."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on April 20, 2005, 08:00:33 PM
Anything But Cheerios
A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, ''When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'.''
The 4-year-old happily agrees. As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, ''Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."
The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, ''And what would YOU like for breakfast?''
''I don't know,'' the 4-year-old blubbers, ''but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!''
A GUT-WRENCHING FART STORY
A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night. He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on April 30, 2005, 11:07:58 PM
A Blonde's Brain At Work
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50." "Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Imperial_X on May 09, 2005, 03:55:14 PM
A man walks into a bar........................................OUCH!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on May 13, 2005, 11:12:24 PM
Yo mama's fart stinks so bad that George Bush declared it biological warfare.
Yo mama's so fat, when the cops see her on a street corner they yell, "Hey you guys, break it up!"
Yo daddy is so bald, when he wears a turtleneck he looks like a broken condom.
Yo mama's so fat she makes Godzilla look like an action figure.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on May 14, 2005, 06:35:59 PM
THINGS MY TRINI MOTHER TAUGHT ME
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING. "Yuh go get ah good cut ass when we get home!" My Mother taught me CONSEQUENCES. "If yuh run across de road an' ah car lick yu dong, ah goin' kill yuh wid licks." My Mother taught me THE VALUE OF EDUCATION. "If yuh doh go to school, yuh go pick up garbage on de street."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on May 14, 2005, 06:43:04 PM
SIMPLE FRIEND VS. REAL FRIEND VS. TRINI FRIEND A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears. A TRINI FRIEND CAUSE DE DAMN TEARS IN DE FIRST PLACE
A simple friend doesn't know your parent's first names. A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book. A TRINI FRIEND KNOW WHERE DEY LIVIN', WHAT DEY COOKIN' ON WHAT DAY AND WILL SHOW UP AT THEIR DOORSTEPS
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes early to help you cook and clean A TRINI FRIEND COME LATE, BRING A SET OF PEOPLE AND THEN TALK ABOUT YOU WHEN ALL DE FOOD AND BOOZE DONE
A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed. A real friend asks you why you took so long to call. A TRINI FRIEND SCREENIN' DE CALL AND DON'T ANSWER WHEN IS YOU
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about their problems. A real friend seeks to help you with your problems. A TRINI FRIEND WILL LISTEN TO YOUR PROBLEMS AND CRY WID YOU, EVEN OFFER TO HELP YOU, THEN TELL EVERYBODY AND ADD A LITTLE MORE JUICE TO THE STORY
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history, A real friend could blackmail you with it. A TRINI FRIEND WILL BLACKMAIL YOU AND STILL TELL EVERYBODY
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself. OH GOSH...A TRINI FRIEND OPEN YUH FRIDGE, CLEAN IT OUT, COMPLAIN YUH AIN'T HAVE ENOUGH, THEN TELL DE WHOLE NEIGHBOURHOOD DEY MOUTH WAS DRY
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had a fight. A TRINI FRIEND TELL EVERYBODY DEY DONE WITH YOU AND TELL THEM DOH TALK TO YOU AND SHOW UP IN YOUR HOUSE WITH BIG HUG AND TING
A simple friend expects you to be always there for them. A real friend expects to be always there for you! A TRINI FRIEND WILL SAY HE DOING SOMETHING REAL IMPORTANT AND WILL CALL BACK, NEXT THING YOU HEAR, HE REALLY WAS GOING TO THE ANCHORAGE FETE
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on May 15, 2005, 05:23:00 PM
So these three people were on death row. An Italian fella, a Jamaican and ah Trini. They were all scheduled to be executed the same day. So just before that time they were offered their last meal When they ask the Italian fella what he wanted for his last meal he quickly said some lasagna, spaghetti and meatballs and a bottle of wine. So they give him his last meal and about half hour after he finish they took him into the room and Zap!!! He dead. Then they asked the Jamaican guy what he wanted for his last meal. Poor fella he frighten but he tell himself if he has to go he better go with he belly full. So he said he wanted some peas and rice, jerk chicken and a big seamoss. So they give him his last meal and about half hour after he finish they took him into the room and Zap!!! He dead. Then they asked the Trini what he wanted for his last meal. Without even thinking de Trini say "Man I really want six ripe Julie mangos." So they tell him "Sir, Julie mangos not in season right now and they wouldn't be untill next year"
Mr. Trini smile and say "Is uright, I go wait."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on May 15, 2005, 11:02:09 PM
Carnival Do's & Don'ts DO NOT....Attempt to "throw waist" on ah young girl wit' ah 6' 6" ignorant boyfren'...funeral home close up for de season.! Girls dis applies to you too, dem fellars woman cuffin real hard now ah days. DO NOT....Drink an' drive... alcohol is ah expensive t'ing- plus yuh could spill it on yuh nice clothes. DO NOT....Feel dat de red-woman who smile an' jump wit' you in de ban' Tuesday, go even want tuh SMELL yuh on Ash Wednesday...ax she husband! DO NOT....Stan' up in front of dem speakers tuh "get de vibes". is not ah walkman an' I eh shoutin' at nobody after Carnival.! DO NOT....Buy corn soup from ah Rastaman name "Dutty". DO NOT....Go to ah fete wit' shoes dat have strap... unless yuh like walkin' barefoot(dis is not ah formal occasion..USE yuh sense l'il bit, nah..! DO NOT....Wear white on J'ouvert morning. DO NOT....Feel you is de bes' swimmer in Maracas Bay... we eh have time tuh look for yuh till after Ash Wednesday! (AHEM!) DO NOT....Argue wit' ah drunk coconut vendor because "it eh have no jelly"... de man obviously know how tuh use ah cutlass! (yuh could spell 'CHOP' an' 'PLANASS'??) DO NOT....Wear ah size "Small" costume, if yuh nickname is "T'ick T'ing
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on May 22, 2005, 12:34:17 PM
Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.
"Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?"
"I dunno," said the second.
"Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waitedand waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom.
"Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.
While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat.
"Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole."
"Oh, well then it couldn't have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times and furrows his brow
"You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED -- you're in." The guy thinks for a moment.
"Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on May 26, 2005, 09:23:16 PM
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said. . . "Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on May 27, 2005, 07:02:28 PM
The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!:
"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING". Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU." "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on June 09, 2005, 08:14:14 PM
Trini Again
On a BWIA flight from New York to Trinidad, the aircraft passes through a severe storm over the Bahamas. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse until suddenly in the height of the storm one wing of the plane is struck by lightning. A yankee woman seated near the front is so scared that she loses iit completely. Screaming hysterically, she stands up in the aisle yelling at the top of her lungs: "I'm too young to die! I'm too young to die!!!". Then she adds, "Well, if I'm going to die, I at least want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my lifetime, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this planewho can make me feel like a WOMAN at least ONCE before I die??"
For a moment there is stunned silence in the cabin. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate yankee woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a Trini man stands up in the rear of the plane. "Ah could make yuh feel like a woman," he says in a deep, melodious voice.
He's handsome, tall, well-built, looking good like only a Trini man could. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The air is electric in the cabin as he approaches the woman, who is now flushed and breathing heavily in anticipation. He removes his shirt. Bulging muscles ripple across his chest, belly and arms as he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron dis fuh meh, nah?"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on June 09, 2005, 11:02:22 PM
Ways to tell someone their fly is open
20. The cucumber has left the salad. 19. I can see the gun of Navarone. 18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. 17. You've got Windows on your laptop. 16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave. 15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now. 14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. 13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson... 11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal. 10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building! 9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. 8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! 7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage. 6. Dr. Kimble has escaped! 5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary." 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction... 3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it? 1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on June 12, 2005, 07:06:00 PM
Sunburnt Manhood A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool". But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
When the hot date showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a video. During the video, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.
The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dingy immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the she exclaimed - "So, that's how you guys load those things!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on June 12, 2005, 07:17:31 PM
Oh, JESUS, Killzone. That last one ROFFLED my WAFFLES. Serious LOLLAGE to the Nth degree.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on June 12, 2005, 10:58:20 PM
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept over board into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords when one of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked increduously. "Well...", said the pirate, "..it was also my first day with the hook."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on June 13, 2005, 09:59:26 PM
One day the Lone Ranger and his companion Tonto were walking through the desert when Tonto suddenly stopped, bent down to the ground and said, - "Buffalo Come!"
And the Lone Ranger said, "How do you know Tonto?"
Tonto replied, - "Ear stuck to ground..."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on June 13, 2005, 10:26:13 PM
So these three people are hiking in a forest, and all of a sudden these headhunters catch them and bring the hikers to the head headhunter.
The head headhunter says "If you want to live you must complete some tasks. First you must go into the forest, pick some fruits, and bring them back"
So the hikers did that and came back.
The head head hunter said "Now you must take the fruits you picked and stick them up your but."
So the first hiker has apples... Ok, apples it shouldn't be too hard. 1 up okay... 2 up the hiker starts screeming, so the headhunters chop off his head.
The second hiker has grapes. Ok, grapes this should be easy! 1 up okay... 2 up fine... 3... 4 the hiker starts laughing like crazy! The headhunters chop off his head.
So the two hikers who got their heads chopped off are up in Heaven and the hiker who had the apples askes the hiker who had the grapes "What happened... you had grapes, I mean you got killed c'mon what happened?"
The guy who had grapes says, "Well the other hiker........ he........ he......... he had watermellons!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on June 14, 2005, 09:42:34 PM
Are You a Redneck Jedi?
You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your Body odor
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on June 18, 2005, 12:26:25 PM
Eh killzone jokes.com know u rippin them off.... could have saved a lot of scroll time if you just gave a link... but the jokes were funny anyways especially the jedi one
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on June 18, 2005, 08:20:52 PM
A Trini guy, a Guyanese man, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and .. it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The old woman, beautiful girl and the Trini guy are sitting there looking perplexed. The Guyanese is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap. The old woman is thinking : That Guyanese guy must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped. The Guyanese is thinking : "Damn it,that Trini guy must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl, she thought it was me and slapped me instead." The beautiful girl is thinking : "That Guyanese must have moved to kiss me,but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped." The Trini is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Guyanese again.
This is Trinidad for you
A man walked into a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant in Trinidad and "passed out" on the floor. People gathered around to help him by fanning and doing everything they could to help him regain consciousness. Someone peeled an orange and started squeezing the juice into his mouth, whereupon the man suddenly came back to life, pushed the person away and yelled, "if ah did want orange, ah woulda fall down in de market."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on June 21, 2005, 11:34:00 PM
President Bush is so stupid, he tried to hide in a corner in the Oval Office.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on June 22, 2005, 12:27:18 AM
rofl
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: suzieboy on June 22, 2005, 09:17:51 AM
lol
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on June 22, 2005, 11:36:19 AM
George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me." Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you." Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver. "Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney. The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid!" "No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner... You could have called instead?"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on June 23, 2005, 08:03:54 PM
Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease...
Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne. She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date." Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears. Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder. Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body. Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'. Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred. Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows. Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King. She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia. Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket. Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it. Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards. Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars. Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time. Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"! Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar". Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows. Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose. You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago. Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds. Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on June 23, 2005, 08:10:57 PM
There where two snakes talking. The 1st one said 'Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?'. Then the second Snake says "Why do you ask?" The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on June 23, 2005, 08:27:32 PM
Famous interpretations of "Why did the Chicken cross the road?"
Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please...
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him down!
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
L.A Poliece Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken, and we'll find out.
Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay! isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. thats what "they" call it: the "other side". Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!
Ronald Regan: What Chicken?
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!
ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me?
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's true?
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?
Bill Gates: We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
The CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.
Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on June 28, 2005, 11:11:14 AM
A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.
The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!" the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?" "Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda." "Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:
PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on June 29, 2005, 03:04:41 PM
A Jamaican lady pregnant with twins was in a car accident and went into a coma. During the coma she gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl. Some time later when she awoke from the coma, she was told that she had given birth and that her brother had been nice enough to name them. The mother was extremely upset to hear this. She told the nurse that they never should have let her brother name the children because he was an idiot from the country. The nurse assured her that he had done rather well; he named the little girl "Denise". The mother seemed to be okay with that, so she asked what he had named her son. The nurse replied, "Denephew".
Ah couple in Maracas Bay with dey 6 year old son. As he was walking down de beach, he notice some ah de girls have bigger breasts dan he mudda... So he axe she why. "Son", she say, "The bigger dey iz, de more chupid de person iz." So... he gone again to play and come back and tell he mudda that plenty man on de beach have bigger totee dan daddy. Mommy say, "The bigger dey iz, de more chupid de person iz." So... Again the boy gone to play. Shortly after, he come back and say, "Mommy... Daddy talking to the chupidest girl on the beach and de more he talk, de chupider he getting."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on June 29, 2005, 03:11:14 PM
Why a Trini should not fight a warah (war)
Running on Trini time, soldiers would be too late to fight Coolers filled with drinks would take priority over military backpacks The war would be known as "The Desert Lime" War supplies would consist of doubles, roti and red solo Mass surrender would happen because troops kept waving rags in the air The pilots would go on strike Army tanks would be replaced by unruly Maxi Taxis Another hot venue for the WASA fete Patriotic troops would wear red rather than army green Troops would only advance to the sound of steelpan and brass Nobody would go anywhere without de drinks cart All dat sand must have some 'shark & bake' to go with it
One Jamaican, one Trini and a Bajan
Three men, one Jamaican, one Trini and a Bajan were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The Jamaican pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
That was my pager, "he said", I have a microchip under the skin of my arm
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Trini fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he was finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Bajan felt decidedly low tech, but no t to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Bajan finally said.... "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: suzieboy on June 30, 2005, 01:39:25 PM
lololol.......alya good yes...hav me in tears!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on June 30, 2005, 06:52:06 PM
It really has been said that laughter is the best medicine. And the hits seem to keep on coming, so I'm stickying this.
Keep 'em rolling, KillZone. :)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on June 30, 2005, 10:13:54 PM
why West Indian get deported... A West Indian man was offered a job to do landscaping in New York. His new employer arranges for his flight, then calls him and reminds him to bring his tools. So the man packs and heads for NY. Upon arrival at JFK, security asks him to open his bags. As he opens one of the bags, a cutlass falls out. "Why are you coming to America with this for?" asked the officer. The man replies "Mi come to chop Bush."
A trini ,a Bajan , and a Jamaican were camping this camping trip was a research project in the rain forest after spending 3 weeks in the forest food suply went low. now they started to give food only to who capture the best find . the bajan find a rare bird, the jamaican find a rare plant , and the trini find a rare fruit . so they all came to one understanding that they all found something rare so they will share. that was cool. Two days after on last day of camp the Bajan said who have the best dream tonight will have all the rest of food in the morning,they all agree . Now is time to tell their dreams the bajan said god blind me I dream't I was in heaven dancing with those beautiful angels I did not feel like coming back on earth. the Jamaican said bom ba clath me ah dream ah went to ah party and fight broke out and me ah get lock up for nuttin, and no body to post bail for me TheTrini said well well well if you dreamt you was in heaven and you dreamt that you got locked up I thought you all was not coming back so i already ate what was left.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 01, 2005, 04:11:39 PM
rofl
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: pleb on July 01, 2005, 09:15:59 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ROFLMAO!!!!!!!! WEY!!!THAT IS SOME GOOD SH!T
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on July 01, 2005, 10:06:47 PM
Trini died and went to hell He was a horrible man throughout life and the devil really wanted to punish him, so he put him to work breaking up rocks with a sledge hammer. To make things worst, he cranked up the temperature and the humidity. After a couple of days the Devil checked on the Trini to see if he was suffering enough. The Devil was aghast as he looks at the Trini happily swinging the hammer and whistling a happy tune.
Devil : I raised the temperature high and you still happy. Trini : Reminds me of back home in August, I could handle it. The Devil, perplexed decided to drop the temperature and sends down torrential rain that caused massive flood and mudslides. When he visited the Trini, he was still happy and whistling. Devil : I lowered the temperature, sent rain, flood and landslide and you still happy? Trini : Just like April in Trinidad. The Devil now completely perplexed decided to lower the temperature to minus 40 degrees. When he visited the Trini he was still happy and this time dancing and singing. Devil : I really can't understand what's happening here. How could you be so happy, when hell's freezing over? Trini : Hell's frozen over, that means Soca Boys qualify for the world cup, West Indies cricket team is winning again, and T & T finally has an honest government.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on July 03, 2005, 11:47:15 AM
Here is an article sets out to explore the dynamics of LIMING in Trinidad it too long so i jus putting the link . Take a read it interesting...
http://www.skettel.com/liming/
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 03, 2005, 09:28:17 PM
Funny Joke - Ironic Celebrity Deaths
Ellen DeGeneres - Suffocates in the closet Susan Lucci - Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy Jenny McCarthy - Struck by a random thought Frank Sinatra - Killed by Stranglers in the Night RuPaul - Prostate cancer O.J. Simpson - Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide Madonna - Exposure Unabomber - Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage" Al Gore - Dutch Elm Disease Bill Gates - Falls out of a Window
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 03, 2005, 09:32:44 PM
Why dont witches wear panties?
Better grip on the broom.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 03, 2005, 09:34:00 PM
CIA Training
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her
The man said, You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job.
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I cant kill my wife.
The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.
Finally, it was the womans turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 03, 2005, 09:35:08 PM
Top 10 Funny Store Signs
1.Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.
2.Outside a hotel: Help We need inn-experienced people.
3.On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left.
4.In a veterinarians waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes, Sit Stay
5.At the electric company: We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you dont you will be.
6.On the door of a computer store: Out for a quick byte.
7.In a restaurant window: Dont stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.
8.Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.
9.In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.
10.In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 03, 2005, 09:36:05 PM
Top 10 Reasons to come to work naked
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives bad hair day a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after theyve seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if its like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. Id love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
1. Your boss will never say, I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00 ever again.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 03, 2005, 09:39:46 PM
CHINESE PROVERBS
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other mans well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 03, 2005, 09:41:45 PM
The Cannibal Test
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, I brought ten apples. The king then explained the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or youll be eaten.
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it? The second one replied, I couldnt help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 03, 2005, 09:42:39 PM
Hung Chows Boss
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work. The boss says, You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that. Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 03, 2005, 09:45:51 PM
Questions that will always remain unanswered
1. How do blind people know when they are done wiping? 2. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets arent going as ghosts but as mattresses? 3. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 4. Is there another word for synonym? 5. Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice? 6. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isnt the whole airplane made out of that stuff? 7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 10. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 11. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 12. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 13. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 14. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 16. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 17. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word Lisp to have a S in it? 19. Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of asteroids?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 03, 2005, 09:46:53 PM
Funny Questions
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why arent people from Holland called Holes?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why isnt the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If its true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didnt zigzag?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 03, 2005, 09:47:49 PM
Arabs-
It is the year 2032, and a father and his son walk the streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th century, the father sighs and comments, to think that right here used to be the Twin Towers...
The son, not understanding, asks his father What are the Twin Towers? The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, The Twin Towers were two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001, when the Arabs destroyed them.
The son looks up to his father, and asks, And what are the Arabs?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 03, 2005, 09:48:55 PM
Alcohol Labels
The following warning labels will be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy WARNING: The consumption of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 03, 2005, 10:00:36 PM
Pussy Cats? ...
... Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied,
"How did you know my name was Katz?"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 05, 2005, 06:23:41 PM
European Union Decision on Official Language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze vorld!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 05, 2005, 07:26:19 PM
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You answer the door before people knock. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You speed walk in your sleep. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You lick your coffeepot clean. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. Cocaine is a downer. All your kids are named "Joe". You don't need a hammer to pound nails. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." You don't sweat, you percolate. You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. You've worn the finish off your coffee table. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. People can test their batteries in your ears. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf faster without a remote. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." You get drunk just so you can sober up. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. Your Thermos is on wheels. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You have a conniption over spilled milk. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. You don't tan, you roast. You don't get mad, you get steamed. Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood. You can't even remember your second cup. You help your dog chase its tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on July 05, 2005, 11:21:48 PM
rofl @ english degenerating to german.
and to think at first it sounded so sensible
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 10, 2005, 08:55:35 PM
new joke: the pic in my sig is of Bill Gates in the 70's when he got arrested for some driving misdemeanor
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 11, 2005, 10:15:17 AM
Three prisoners are waiting to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The Italian responds, "Pepperoni Pizza." The warden serves him his Pepperoni Pizza, and then escorts him to his execution. The Frenchman requests Filet Mignon. The warden serves him his Filet Mignon, and then escorts him to his execution. The Jamaican requests a plate of strawberries. "STRAWBERRIES???" "Yes, strawberries." The warden replies, "but they're out of season!" "So?" replies the Jamaican. "I man will wait...."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 11, 2005, 10:19:17 AM
Mr. Prime Minister"
The Prime Minister Mr. Basdeo Panday was getting fed up with Oma so he end up looking fuh a lil george street hoe. He end up finding 3 quality prostitutes (angels of the night if you will) in a local lounge near smokey and bunty..... an Indian, a Chinee and an African.
So.......Hear yuh boy panday pipsin the indian chic, "I am the Prime Minister of T&T how much would it cost me to spend sometime with you?" $200 she replied
So then he asked the Chinee the same question; her reply was $100 dollars.
so now he put the question to de darkie (african), hear yuh gyul response:
"Your Honour if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, get my panty down as low as my wages, and get that thing in your pants as hard as the times are, and screw me the way you do the public, believe me Mr. Minister, it ain't going to cost you a blasted cent
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 11, 2005, 10:35:17 AM
Jamaican Bus Bus driver speaking on the intercom : Welcome to Bus numba 40, running from Papine to Down Town Kingston. Please direct your attention to di Ducta who will instruct yuh on our safety and model features. ConDucta : Hail up massive! We want you to know that you are riding on the safest bus dat run pan di di Paipine to Down town route. The mogle of our bus is a 1980 Elcava , owned and operated by Rough Rider transports . Dis mogle can survive any adversities an cantravasies. As unu can si dis bus get nuff lick up an bad man shot it up nuff time an it still a drive like new! This bus seats up to 55 passengers, howeva, due to our commitment to excellent service, wi do not leave anybady straddling in di streets. So expect to have up top 140 people in yah by di time wi reach down town. During di journey we may encounta unexpected turbulences ..These are known as pot holes. In di case of a sudden bump please refrain fram bawling out Lard Jesas mi dead now! Our driva is an experience driva an will mek sure di axle an wheel noh bruck aff ina one a dem. But incase wi drap ina one an caan come out.. please do not climb troo di window dem til unu pay unu bus fare..I will shat unu r*ss wid mi 45. This bus is not equipped with seat belts. Please hole on pon di railing when di bus a tun di carna dem. The bus is capable of driving pon 2 wheels around all corners and bends. When di bus a tun one wicked carna pon 2 wheelie, wi ask dat our seating passengers bear it if smaddy slide dung ina dem seat an squash yuh gainst di bus side.. Our seating passengers may experience standing passengers loosing dem balance an falling ova pon unu .. please do not yell out, Hey batty bway, come off a mi R*ss Lap! Dat may cause a serious shoot out! On exiting the bus please don?t expect di bus to come to a full stop. Wi asking dat yuh hop off a di bus step skillfully .. if unu drap an lan pon unu backside an bruck sinting, Rough Rider noh response. This is NOT a non-stop journey. As a matta fact wi stop any which part wi waan wi stop at every yaad gate - all ina miggle road wi stop. Howeva dis bus noh stop fi police ..incase of an unexpected police chase, the driva will be forced to increase the bus' normal speed from 100 ml/hr to 160 ml/hr. Yuh will be instructed to hole on tight an shet unu mout. In case this bus is hijacked by a terrorist known as "pick pocket", hole di bway an murda im to r*ss. With that said, If wi reach down town ina one piece please prepare for new passengers fi shoob unu dung before unu can get off.. Noh mine dem..but seat kina ration... Tank yuh for teking di ireiest Rough Rider Elcava pon di route .. and hope you enjoy di ride. DRIVA - PRESS OUT!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 11, 2005, 10:56:00 AM
Taliban TV guide MONDAYS: 8:00 - "Husseinfeld" 8:30 - "Mad About Everything" 9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions" 9:30 - "The Brian Benben bin Laden Show" 10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS: 8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune" 8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says Its Right" 9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers" 10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
WEDNESDAYS: 8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed" 8:30 - "When Northern Alliance Attacks" 9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread" 9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone" 10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS: 8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi" 8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H" 9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils" 9:30 - "My Two Baghdads" 10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAYS: 8:00 - "Judge Laden" 8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies" 9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things" 9:30 - "Akhmeds Creek" 10:00 - "No-witness News"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 11, 2005, 04:41:17 PM
A California Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the Guyanese driver that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won US$5,000 in the state safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I gun get a driver's licence," he answered with pride and jubilation.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the Trinidadian woman in the passenger's seat. "He's a smart ass when he drunk."
This commotion woke up the Barbadian guy in the back seat. He took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we not gonna get far in no tiefin car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a Jamaican voice asked, "I man mek it krass the barder yet?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on July 12, 2005, 12:33:34 AM
hahhahhahahah X 10 at Taliban TV Guide
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: pleb on July 12, 2005, 12:36:56 AM
rofl you guys are good!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on July 12, 2005, 09:18:15 PM
Osama's Inter-Cave Memo
From: Bin Laden, Osama Sent: Monday, October 22, 2001 8:17 AM To: Cavemates
Subject: The Cave
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says
"Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily.
I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.
Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.
Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone.
Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.
Death to infidels, Osama
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on July 12, 2005, 09:28:43 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on July 13, 2005, 09:42:58 AM
Dread there are some CRAZY FUNNY $HIT in here.... WOW... it was hard to stop myself from laughing hysterically in the office... damn!!! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 13, 2005, 07:30:41 PM
waay killzone make a comeback ah thought ah woulda hadda run de thread by mehself
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 13, 2005, 07:32:35 PM
A researcher was interviewing a Jamaican Rastafarian on cultural topics. Here is an excerpt from the interview. Researcher to Rasta: 95 percent of Jamaican men suck pum pum....
Rasta: I man no do dem tings deh....
Researcher: The other 5 percent are battymen....
Rasta: Squeeze me back inna di 95 percent....."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 13, 2005, 07:37:41 PM
Rasta Loan Application
NAME: Bobo Dread Amaka Baka Fari
AGE: Rasta nuh count birtday
DATE OF BIRTH: Mi sey Rasta nuh deal wid dem tings deh man
ADDRESS: Up inna di hill dung a Wesmorlan
TEL. NO.: I man Doan participate ina di Babylan system
MARITAL STATUS: SINGLE/MARRIED/NO. OF CHILDREN: I an I is a single married man wid nuff queen an 21 likkle soljas a run bout di island
OCCUPATION: Sell Jelly coknat pan Spanish Town Rd. and weed outta mi Kitchen winda
COMPANY NAME: I man noh keep company, yuh noh seet.
PRESENT POSITION: Mi like di Lizzad lap and back-shat posishan but mi open to any adda posishan...yah nuh seet.
AVERAGE MONTHLY INCOME: Depends pan di season and di demans fi di weed..some time bizniss slow an ting
CREDIT REFERENCE: Mor Fyah! I man noh deal wid credit. Strickly up front dallas a do it
UNSECURED OVERDRAFT LIMIT: A wha di bloodclaat dat. Weh di I noh chat English?
SECURED OVERDRAFT LIMIT: Mi sey yuh fi chat bloodclaat english!!!
PERSONAL LOAN AMOUNT: Yuh waan si, Tony owe mi bout 40 gran from bout 3 mont now.. A gwine buss up him Claat when a buck im up
MONTHLY PAYMENT: Ask Tony cause a monts now mi nuh si nat a cent fram im
NO. OF MONTHLY PAYMENT OUTSTANDING: Is wha do dis ooman doah eeh? Yuh def? Yuh com back a ask di same foolishness? Mi seh Tony nuh pay mi back nat a cent a mi money yet, so all a it outstanding.
MORTGAGE LOAN AMOUNT: Sistren, mi naah lie. Mi nuh pay margage fi mi zinc shed..is I man buil dat pan kapcha lan
MONTHLY PAYMENT: Yuh com back a ask di same blood claat foolishness again?
NO. OF MONTHLY PAYMENT OUTSTANDING: Is wha do dis wooman dowe eeh? MI SEY TONY NOH PAY MI MONEY YET!!
THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER. APPLICATION FOR LOAN DENIED: GUH WEH!!! .Unnuh blood claat hypocrite an Sadomite unu! .......Ole dutty bumbo rass hole!!! Fyah bun fi unnuh! Mi Bobo Dread Amaka Baka Fari seh dat. Guh weh!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on July 14, 2005, 07:38:55 PM
(http://andrew.yobbo.co.nz/eyetest.jpg)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 14, 2005, 10:24:09 PM
i cyar read dah... wha it say?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on July 14, 2005, 11:18:10 PM
read the top of the pic and follow the directions
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on July 15, 2005, 09:08:07 AM
Well that says somethign about narcissis LOL
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on July 15, 2005, 06:50:14 PM
(http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/img/140.jpg) A TALIBAN MISSLE
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: pleb on July 15, 2005, 07:10:33 PM
lolol narcissus just look at it from the left you will see it better
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on July 15, 2005, 10:28:25 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on July 15, 2005, 10:40:31 PM
A guy is forced to live in a remote Eskimo villiage but is having trouble interacting with the villiagers. Finally he corners one of them and asks why they won't talk to him. The villiager responds that he has not been initiated as a man. He ask's what do I have to do? The villiager says, first you have to drink 2 bottles of Russian Vodka, then you have to go into a cave and kill a polar bear with your bear hands, then to seal your induction into manhood you have to make love for 10 hours straight with one of our women. The man says he will do it. That night there's a big party to initiate the stranger. Everyone sits around the fire and they pass him a bottle of Vodka. He down's about half without much trouble, bet the second half is much more difficult. Finally he finishes it, and they pass him another. He finally manages to finish off the second bottle and the crowd claps and sings. Then he tried to get up but fell over drunk. The Cheif picks him up and points him in the direction of the polar bear cave. He staggers over and climbs in. Suddenly there's a huge commotion from within the cave. Bears growling and him screaming and wailing in pain. Half an hour later he stumbles out of the cave, Torn to shreds, bloodied, and half dead. He turns to the crowd and drunkenly says, Okeee now where's the woman I gotta kill?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on July 15, 2005, 10:43:55 PM
A guy walks into a bar on top of a ski skraper. He sits down next to a buff looking guy who looks like he had a little more booze than he can handle. The buff guy looks at the bar tender and then at him and says `'hey, did you know that this building is construckded in such a way that if I was to jump out the window and the wind would glide me safely to the ground. The man, who decided he could use a laugh said, 'prove it.' So the guy walks over to the window and jumps out. A few minutes later he walks back into the bar and says, 'told ya.' He looks at the bar tender who is shaking his head and laughing, and says, 'do that again.' So he does it again. The man astondished walks out to the window and jumps out and falls 100 stories to his death. The bar tender looks at the buff man and says, 'you now, you are a real a$$hole when you're drinking Superman
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on July 17, 2005, 10:57:43 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on July 18, 2005, 09:22:18 AM
HAHHAHAHAHHAHAH
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on July 18, 2005, 10:03:11 AM
LMAO AGAIN... dread *tears in W1nTry's eyes* you guys are really good dread... LOL
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 18, 2005, 06:18:01 PM
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 18, 2005, 06:24:22 PM
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to wash my car.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: pleb on July 18, 2005, 06:50:38 PM
HA HA HA HA HA!!!WAY!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 18, 2005, 09:55:22 PM
Reasons for alcohol at work
1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing. 16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar. 17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. 18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks. 19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break. 20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.-SCARY!!!! 21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union. 22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use. 23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up. 24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross." 25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common, not just restricted to the 'higher ups'.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 18, 2005, 10:03:12 PM
yea allyuh mightn't ha time fuh all dis
100 ways to order a pizza the fun way...
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 18, 2005, 10:40:14 PM
Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away.
The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the heck are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to screw the cat.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 22, 2005, 12:33:51 AM
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, why do you do this? Come with me and run through the forest. You'll see you'll feel much better."
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then, they came across an elephant doing cocaine.
So, the rabbit again says, "Elephant, my friend, why do you so this? Think about your health. come running with us through the pretty forest. You'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
So, the rabbit again says, "Lion, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! come running with us through the sunny forest. You'll see, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down the needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little bastard makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours everytime he's on ecstacy!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on July 22, 2005, 06:57:51 PM
(http://www.guyana.ro/jokes/jokepics/14.jpg)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on July 22, 2005, 07:16:38 PM
(http://www.socceraddicts.com/Funny%20Pictures/10.jpg) This is why the Italian keeper is so good. And why Italy dont leak goals.
(http://www.socceraddicts.com/Funny%20Pictures/11.jpg) This is why Argentina didnt win the World Cup.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 25, 2005, 09:56:58 AM
photoshop IYMC
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: pleb on July 25, 2005, 12:32:14 PM
photoshop what?? he tief that from site
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 25, 2005, 04:06:45 PM
i didn't mean killzone did it with photoshop u moron, i meant whoever created the images did
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: suzieboy on July 26, 2005, 11:19:43 AM
Joke No.1 This builder was buildin a wall for a china man. He used 199 bricks and had 1 more brick remaining and didnt know wat to do with it,so, he threw the extra brick over the wall...................LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!
Joke No.2 2 people sitting on a PTSC bus, a woman with a nosie pumpek dog and old man smoking a cigar. The woman didnt the smell of the cigar so she took it and threw it out the window. The old man was pissed and didnt like the annoying noisie dog so he threw the pumpek out the window. Simultaneously they look out the window too see wat happen to the dog who was barking and chasing the bus.......guess wat the pumpek had in its mouth?................................ De brick from the last joke!!!!!!!.................LOLOLOLOLOLOL
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on July 26, 2005, 12:20:19 PM
Good attempt but u have long to go to compete with the likes of Narci dere boss.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: pleb on July 26, 2005, 01:00:10 PM
HA HA HA............not funny u hav to come with something like this.....
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: suzieboy on July 26, 2005, 01:06:54 PM
??? [a cricket chirps]???
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 26, 2005, 01:10:06 PM
THE DEVIL One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: Why so glum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway. Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer- no biggie, you're already dead, remember? Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow.
Satan: What about Drugs?!? Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares. Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay? Guy: No...
Satan: (grimaces). Oooooooh...You're gonna hate Fridays.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 26, 2005, 01:13:20 PM
Ah lil' youth liming on de block, minding his own business when all of ah sudden ah big fella pass and hit him WHAP !! -- knocks him on de ground.
De big fella say, "dat was ah karate chop from Korea."
De lil' youth thinking "GEEZ," but he get back up an chillin' on de block as normal again, when all of ah sudden --WHAP !! - de big fella lick him down AGAIN and say, "dat was ah judo chop from Japan."
So de youth vex now... He get up, brush he self off and quietly leave.
De youth man gone fuh about ah hour and come back. He walks up behind the big fella and -- WHHHAAAAATTTTAAAAAAPPP !! -- knock him out cold.
De lil' youth watch ah next pardna and say, "When he wake up, tell him dat is ah 2x4 from Mr. Chin Hardware Store."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: suzieboy on July 26, 2005, 01:14:43 PM
LOLOLOL....this one good , not stale like my own......
HHHHHHmmmmmm....I tell one kinda stale joke and ah lose 2 chakra over the past halfhour....LOL thats a joke by itself. Could image if ah tell 3 stale jokes.....
MOD Edit: Don't double-post, especially just to say that. -1 Chakra for that. Have a nice day....
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 26, 2005, 01:29:08 PM
Yuh know is time to burn yuh Trini Passport when….”
Yuh start “hengin’ out” instead of limin’….
Yuh feelin’ embarrass to 'storm' ah party….
Yuh eating roti with knife and fork…..
Yuh start making road signals when yuh driving …….
Yuh cyah take even “slight” pepper in yuh doubles …….
Yuh stop tinkling de ice in yuh drink before yuh drink it ………
Yuh have problems makin’ ah steups wit’ yuh mout’……….
Yuh stop eatin’ sugar cake, toolum and paw paw balls because dey have too much calories.....
Yuh worried dat the red stuff in "red mango" not good fuh ya.
Yuh cyah turn yuh back an’ still 'mako' ah conversation from across de room
…….Yuh not usin’ expressions like “Ay boy”, “Yeah”, “Orright”, “Eh-eh” with every other sentence.
Yuh have to ask somebody what tune win roadmarch dis year.
Yuh worried about not gettin enough sleep at Carnival time.
Yuh find the weather too hot for you.
Yuh fraid to laugh out loud because people might “look at yuh funny…”
Yuh drinkin’ coconut water from ah straw (Oh Lord! No!)…………….
If you answer Yes to more than four..... You have officially crossed over....is time to 'bun' yuh passport. :-)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: MASTER_RAGE3 on July 26, 2005, 01:50:41 PM
funny ahahah ahhahah ahaha NO! come nah man u shud watch more comedy central and come back again
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on July 26, 2005, 09:48:13 PM
pleb, My_thum_hurts, and MASTER_RAGE3, knock it OFF. The last thing a thread like this needs is a bunch of spam-happy goobers. First and last warning. Carry on.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: pleb on July 26, 2005, 11:46:57 PM
ewwww
the only person i see spammin is my_thumb_hurts who cud hav edited his post and added in stuff and u neo who hav no sense of humor
why i cant post jokes too???
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Kaizen on July 26, 2005, 11:48:36 PM
hmm :P neo cut him some slack he jus wana join in ^^ **edited for respect to w1ns post**
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 27, 2005, 01:34:22 AM
i doh see why dem men cyar post dey joke an dem just refrain from de spammin. anyways...
A well-known cardiologist died and an elaborate funeral was planned. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into nervous laughter. When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral....I'm a gynecologist."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 27, 2005, 01:41:48 AM
DONT BE GREEDY
One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud. She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before. She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry. Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "I'm Cess.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 27, 2005, 01:42:37 AM
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder which he quickly put into his mouth,and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left both satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King sent him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth.
The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: pleb on July 27, 2005, 01:47:58 AM
HAHAHAHAH :D OMG THAT IS FUNNY SH!T NARC!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 27, 2005, 02:02:29 AM
ways to keep a healthy level of insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in". ! 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." 7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy." 8. Don't use any punctuation marks 9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. 11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". 12. Sing along at the opera. 13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. 15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim. 17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!" 18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!" 19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 27, 2005, 02:07:48 AM
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what hashappened.
"First body: Guyanese, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Trini, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on rum. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Rasta from Jamaica, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken by JAH!."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 27, 2005, 02:10:34 AM
"Trinidadian Newlyweds"
A Trinidadian couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into own and party with his old buddies. So he says to his new wife "Honey, ah comin back now..." "Whey yuh goin chunkalunks...?" asked the wife. "Ah goin by the rum shop, pretty face. Ah goin tuh drink ah beer." The wife says to him, "You want ah beer mah love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries. The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yah dahlin...but the bar....yuh know nah...the frozen glass..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "Yuh want ah frozen glass puppy face?" She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, buh by the bar dey have those hors d'oeuvres that does taste real good...ah eh go be long, ah comin back now. Ah promise. OK?" "Yuh want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh?"
She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors'oeuvres.
"But sweet honey...by the rum shop... yuh know nah...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." "Yuh want dirty words cutie pie?...
HERE, DRINK YUH F@#%N BEER IN YUH MUDDA-ASS MUG AND EAT YOUR KISS MEH ASS SNACKS, BECAUSE YUH EH GOIN NO F#$%N WAY ! YUH MUDDERS C*&T WILL STAY HOME! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on July 27, 2005, 07:53:51 AM
Sorry Killzone and Neo I found that whale pic to be in poor taste and the fact that its an uber endangered species I really had a distaste for seeing that pic. It was to say the least Attrocious imho. So I pulled it cause I do NOT see the humor in LOSS of LIFE of such a large and wondrous creature. Human beings need a good kick in the @$$ for the mess we make of our planet, please doh promote, condone or laugh at such things.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on July 27, 2005, 08:38:58 AM
yeh no problem ,so dont worry bout any like that in the future. i will make sure that they are all of a positive and still funny nature. so sorry and thanks
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on July 28, 2005, 01:09:13 AM
Only A West Indian Can Understand This......
One night a father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story sat and and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and *goodbye* "Grandpa."
"Ah why yuh a say *good-bye* Grandpa'" fah? the father asked. "Mi noh know, " the little girl said. The next day, Grandpa died. The man thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later, he put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and *good-bye* Grandma."
The next day, the grandmother died!
"Rahtid, thought the man, dis yah pickne can see inna de future." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the man heard her say "God bless Mommy and *good-bye* Daddy."
The man practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous all day. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK He felt safe in the office, so he stayed until the end of the day, looking at his watch jumping at every sound. Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "Yuh neva come 'ome dis late before, wha happen?" "Mi no waan talk 'bout it," he said. "Mi jus 'ave de worst day ah in mi life."
"Yuh tink yuh had a bad day?" the wife exclaimed. "You'll neva believe wha happen'. Dis mahnin', Desmond next door, drapp dead pan de verandah"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on July 29, 2005, 02:24:17 PM
(http://content.funnyhumor.com/pictures/soldierfall.jpg) Man Down
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on July 29, 2005, 02:36:26 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Starless_Everdark on August 01, 2005, 01:48:35 AM
WHOA!! That joke is real messd up my_thumb_hurts !!!
my goth!!! ( >_< )
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on August 02, 2005, 03:37:53 AM
http://whoelsebutquagmire.ytmnd.com http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com ^^^^^ Let's see how long you guys last without being thoroughly annoyed, shall we? :P
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on August 02, 2005, 02:47:57 PM
that mushroom dance was really annoying. how long that was supposed to go on for. i get fed up after i see the snake 3 times.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on August 02, 2005, 06:43:36 PM
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?" The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on August 02, 2005, 06:52:45 PM
Doom Doom takes his wife out for an annivesary dinner at Tarven on The Green, he wants to impress her and say and do all the right things. He observes the couple next to him.
The man lifts a sugar shaker towards his wifes cup and says, "sugar, sugar"?
Doom Doom thinks this is great and continues to listen around the dining room. Another table over Doom Doom bserves the following. A man spoons out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asks,
"Honey, honey"? Again Doom Doom thinks this is good stuff.
Finaly, he decides to try out the suave conversation going on around him. He cuts off a piece of his meat, stares longingly into his young wifes eyes.
Hear Doom Doom, "Ham, pig"?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on August 03, 2005, 04:36:44 PM
(http://cheston.com/pbf/PBF011ADHammerScrewed.jpg) nuff said
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on August 04, 2005, 01:27:16 PM
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on August 08, 2005, 08:16:16 PM
A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"
His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.
And so, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
It's very simple and easy to understand.
Now, do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on August 08, 2005, 08:17:31 PM
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The short story had to contain the following three things: (1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery. There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. Below is the A+ short story:
Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on August 08, 2005, 08:32:40 PM
(http://blog.koehntopp.de/uploads/commonists.jpg)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on August 09, 2005, 01:40:26 PM
A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere: A. 2 Jamaican men and 1 Jamaican woman B. 2 Trinidadian men and 1 Trinidadian woman C. 2 Guyanese men and 1 Guyanese woman D. 2 Bajan men and 1 Bajan woman E. 2 Antiguan men and 1 Antiguan woman F. 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman G. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman
One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed:
* One Jamaican man killed the other Jamaican man for the Jamaican woman.
* The two Trinidadian men and the Trinidadian woman! are living happily together.
* The two Guyanese men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the Guyanese woman.
* The two Bajan men are sleeping together, and the Bajan woman is cooking & cleaning for them.
* The two Antiguan men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Antiguan woman, and they started swimming.
* The two Chinese men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Chinese woman.
* The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the indian woman.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on August 09, 2005, 06:05:16 PM
Riding on LOLLERSKATES @ the above. God damn, that was funny. XD
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on August 09, 2005, 07:12:57 PM
(http://www.psykoweb.dk/linkreoler/usaview.jpg) i not seeing trinidad
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on August 09, 2005, 07:20:29 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on August 10, 2005, 02:52:32 PM
Safe Faxing
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax? A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger? A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax? A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.
Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind? A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal? A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great.
Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing? A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.
Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely? A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.
Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up? A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.
Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another? A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.
Q. There is a man I'd very much like to fax (I've tried several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him? A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: pleb on August 10, 2005, 04:33:28 PM
lolol narc where allyuh does get these things??
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on August 10, 2005, 07:12:42 PM
if i tell u i have to kill u
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on August 10, 2005, 07:32:33 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on August 10, 2005, 08:29:55 PM
wen da movie comin out...lol
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on August 11, 2005, 12:13:14 AM
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on August 11, 2005, 02:38:43 PM
Beer Festival After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers, a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it. The guy from Carib sits down and says "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Carib?"
The Carib president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on August 12, 2005, 10:42:47 AM
WOI BLUP BLUP!!! EVEN though I am a STAG man myselg... lol its TRINI that the bottom line.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: cricketboi on August 12, 2005, 10:50:07 AM
fiyuuuhhh big up to d carib krew man.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on August 14, 2005, 05:00:27 PM
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency Room right away.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on August 17, 2005, 12:00:11 AM
(http://www.yobbo.co.nz/photogallery/funny%20photos/bewaredog.jpg) i hadda get a dog like that
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on August 17, 2005, 12:15:25 AM
(http://www.yobbo.co.nz/photogallery/funny%20photos/cat%2520being%2520gun%2520down.jpg) stick em up
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on August 19, 2005, 07:48:55 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on August 28, 2005, 10:58:22 PM
[Image Removed]
EDIT: Sorry, Narc, Voyd is right on this one. You're free to contribute as much as you like, but be more careful of just what you put up next time. Thanks.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Netizen1 on August 29, 2005, 12:35:51 AM
Hard Luck, that last one was a bit overboard... Lose points for that
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: greyfox on August 29, 2005, 01:39:31 AM
(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y49/Ganja_man_biatch/o7hz0197.jpg) some kids was having too much fun with his gi joe's (http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y49/Ganja_man_biatch/dangyo.jpg)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on August 30, 2005, 08:22:38 PM
Pumpkin War (http://www.funny-games.biz/pictures/halloween/pumpkin-war.jpg) Dead Pumpkin (http://www.funny-games.biz/pictures/halloween/deadpumpkin.jpg)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on August 30, 2005, 09:32:00 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on September 07, 2005, 12:57:23 PM
GG NEO LMAO!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on September 07, 2005, 09:56:40 PM
i google dat...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Trinitus on September 08, 2005, 10:06:31 PM
Behold DE Fart files
THE GHOST POOP--The kind where you feel poop come out, see poop on the toilet paper, but there's no poop in the bowl.
THE CLEAN POOP--The kind where you feel poop come out, see poop in the bowl, but there's no poop on the toilet paper.
THE WET POOP--You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and our underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE POOP--This poop happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poop some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POOP--Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poop". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN POOP--No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG POOP--The kind of poop that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER POOP--The kind of poop you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POOP" POOP---The kind where you want to poop, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS POOP--Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID POOP--That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD POOP--A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER--This poop is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER--This poop occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL--This poop occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS POOP--A poop so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK POOP--This poop has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" POOP--This is any poop created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER--A poop so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER--Characterized by its floatability, this poop has been known to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER--A poop which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM POOP--This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO POOP--Now you see it, now you don't. This poop is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL--A poop that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to poop (i.e.. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near pooping facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER--A long skinny poop which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC POOP--This poop occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Poop.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE POOP--This poop may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POOP--An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T poop.
ENERGIZER vs. DURACEL POOP--Also known as a "Still Going" poop.
THE POWER DUMP POOP--The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER POOP--This kind of poop is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poop.)
THE SPINAL TAP POOP--The kind of poop that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" POOP--Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Poops. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE POOP--The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POOP--When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POOP--When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" POOP--Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" POOP--Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: specialK on September 09, 2005, 09:01:11 AM
that's just nasty!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on September 09, 2005, 09:51:54 AM
^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ dread I laugh so much this morning I almost cry oui
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on September 09, 2005, 07:07:59 PM
dam that was really good :)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on September 14, 2005, 10:17:33 AM
SHITZOPHERENIA... shouldn't that be shitzophobic? anyways i ent laugh like dat in a while
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Trinitus on September 14, 2005, 12:21:28 PM
If allyuh want ah good laugh check flashplayer.com and look for knox reloaded, it is a dubb over of the matrix, really funny stuff," I'm tryin to find my crayons!!!" " AAHHH"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on September 14, 2005, 12:36:25 PM
SHITZOPHERENIA... shouldn't that be shitzophobic? anyways i ent laugh like dat in a while
The first sounds like 'Fear of taking a sh1ting due to multiple personality disorder' or maybe its 'fear of sh1tting so hard you get a hernia'. The second sounds like 'fear of sh1tting while in a tranz party'
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on September 14, 2005, 01:32:25 PM
here's my attempt at this pic thing
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Trinitus on September 14, 2005, 02:56:19 PM
Nice one W1ntry i like dat too bad that is what will happen when AI take over the world, rise of the machines!!! Take ah look at this, :ph34r: WINDOES TRINI EDITION!! ^_^
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on September 18, 2005, 10:45:29 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Drl Ahye // dRL RaGe on September 20, 2005, 04:48:09 AM
Lol....I never knew that looting guy would get so popular...but I remember seeing him in the newspapers looting a bucket of beer, thinking that he had a funny hairstyle.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: greyfox on September 20, 2005, 02:19:23 PM
you know the funny thing about this stuff, on the news it had a white man doing the same thing, but they didn't call it looting, they called it finding supplies, yeah whatever CNN
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on September 20, 2005, 03:26:18 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on September 20, 2005, 03:37:20 PM
go to www.google.com type 'failure' in the search bar click 'i'm feeling lucky' instead of 'search' roll on floor laughing
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Kaizen on September 20, 2005, 04:55:44 PM
WTF LOL LOL LOL didnt even think it would work
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on September 20, 2005, 05:28:15 PM
that same iam feeling lucky google search last year was even better
if yu typed wmds or soemthing like that (ill try to get the exact phrase)
It took you to a 404 not found page, but if you looked closely they said that possible location of wmds was at this link
and when yu clicked it, it took you to a page about dunald rumsfeld.
One of bush helper type people who own the oil companies that takin over iraq and he also has part of the weapons company that sells america its weapons
he also back in the day, provided weapons for sadam, alongside daddy bush
had pics an stuff, was funny
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: pleb on September 20, 2005, 05:42:42 PM
ROFL OMG IT WORKED!!! omg allyuh real good oui!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on September 22, 2005, 04:52:15 PM
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.
Finally, president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on September 23, 2005, 08:12:10 AM
LMAO good stuff... I find this thread slowing down lately what going on fellas? like allyuh busy these days... I used to use this to start meh day off dread
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on September 23, 2005, 11:54:02 AM
hahhaha @ brazillion
I nearly get a heart attack with that one yes.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on September 23, 2005, 06:16:41 PM
New Orleans finally gets some help.
(in bad taste I know, but couldn't help it!)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on September 23, 2005, 10:12:38 PM
beavis an butthead (http://www.ambrosiasw.com/~andrew/funny/beavisbushcheny.jpg)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Kaizen on September 24, 2005, 02:38:03 PM
:ph34r: animal rage
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on September 25, 2005, 12:38:46 AM
i thought we were supposed to keep these threads pg-13?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on September 25, 2005, 01:56:55 AM
Oh, all right... :P
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Trinitus on September 25, 2005, 11:45:39 AM
S.W.A.T Team Hand signals and what they mean!!! http://www.unconventional-airsoft.com/information/handSignals.php
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on September 25, 2005, 06:48:06 PM
...just when you thought common sense prevails...
http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/warnings.htm
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Trinitus on September 25, 2005, 09:34:54 PM
That is ah real "duh" joke dey boy neo, but ii still laughing at the swat teamlol dem is real clowns boy!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Kaizen on September 26, 2005, 12:58:05 PM
ok i hadda thief this from grey fox for a parody
men singing "oh where oh where can osama be oh where oh where can he be
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: pleb on September 26, 2005, 02:14:58 PM
LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Trinitus on September 27, 2005, 09:51:06 AM
lol, "oh where oh where has my taliban gone, oh where oh where could they beeee.....with their air cut short and their missles all gone, oh where oh where could they be, LMAO good one kaizen good one!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: greyfox on September 27, 2005, 04:38:47 PM
LOL THEIF! nah that was good use of that gif :)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Kaizen on September 27, 2005, 05:16:17 PM
thanks ^_^
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Trinitus on September 27, 2005, 09:58:38 PM
US vs. Trini Language
I thought you all might find this amusing......
USA: Such tasteful Hors d'heurves, sumptuous finger foods, wow! TnT: Whuddy a$$ is dis? Whey de blasted food?
USA: Here Kitty kitty... get down from that roof munchkins. TnT: Ey yuh ole dutty stinkin cyat, come down from de friggin gyalvanize before ah drop two stone in yuh a$$!
USA: Aren't those pants a bit short? TnT: Yuh expekin flood or wha?
USA: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that. TnT: Buh wha trouble is dis? Boy,...... stop flingin meh grip so.
USA: Lift the hood of the car for me John. TnT: Yute-man, fly open de bonnet deh!
USA: I love you girl. TnT: Ah rell check fuh yuh, yuh know.
USA: Oh the poor little boy is handicap. TnT: Look at dat lil brook foot boy dey...
USA: It's time you got a perm. TnT: Gyul , yuh head need straightenin bad. Yuh doh see all dem gren-gren showin.
USA: I have a stomach ache. TnT: Oh gorm..............meh belly gripin meh.
USA: He has no manners. TnT: He doh have no broughtupsee.
USA: WOW!...........he ! has such a bad body odor TnT: Yuh doh bade?.......oh sh!t man...... yuh smellin stink! Yuh Kickin!!!
USA: Josh is suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder. TnT: Dat chile too dam harden.
USA: He has a touch of Dyslexia. TnT: He duncee fuh so.
USA: I need a bottle of Peptobismol...my stomach hurts. TnT: Ah need ah purge bad...ah cork up.
USA: It's been a long time since I've seen you girl. TnT: A..A...! You still alive gyul?
USA: Oh my goodness, we have lost electricity. TnT: Jeezanages!!......current gorn again.
USA: This meal is not too bad. TnT: ! Wha doh kill does fatten and wha doh fatten does purge.
USA: Oh my, your feet are so ashy. TnT: Is how yuh foot and dem look like yuh was kickin flour so...yuh couldn't a rub lil coconut oil on yuh foot self?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on September 27, 2005, 11:13:10 PM
Oh GAWD. Take some chakra for that, Xeno. Lollercopter, and then some.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Kaizen on September 27, 2005, 11:35:39 PM
OH GADDDD lol chakra iymc
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on September 28, 2005, 12:53:55 PM
(http://www.gigabeach.com/images/dummies.jpeg)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Trinitus on September 28, 2005, 05:12:54 PM
Does your front yard look like this every Monday, Wednesday and Friday??? E:\Documents and Settings\User1\My Documents\My Pictures\josh\garbage.jpg Then you are suffering at the paws of what is worldwidely known as the Dustbin Terrier.....
Then you need this!!!! SLINGSHOT AND BIG STONE!!! E:\Documents and Settings\User1\My Documents\My Pictures\josh\referable weapons.jpg
When all else fails this will do the job!!! To put away stinkin' criminals like him!!!! E:\Documents and Settings\User1\My Documents\My Pictures\josh\untitled.JPG
Some assembly required beautiful lady not included
From the makers of.... E:\Documents and Settings\User1\My Documents\My Pictures\josh\untitled 2 copy.jpg
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Trinitus on September 28, 2005, 05:16:52 PM
In regards to my previous post my ignorance of forum use was at its most and i didnot properly attach the required images...therefore it will be sent in this post, images 1, 2 and 3. Drain chakra if you tihink it is needed!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: ProtoJoe on September 29, 2005, 02:36:05 PM
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident". "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks... ''How many is a Brazillion ??!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: ProtoJoe on September 29, 2005, 02:43:35 PM
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $1,000 bills!
Then, there's a knock at the door. . . He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me..."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Kaizen on September 29, 2005, 03:00:34 PM
ROFL ROFL ROFL
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on September 29, 2005, 04:12:09 PM
DAT was funny... a bit racy... but I think we all can laugh at that one, its not too tasteless
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on September 30, 2005, 10:17:50 PM
why i work so hard
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep,
not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job,
earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason:
Here's why:
The population of T & T is 1.5 million.
0.5 million are retired.
That leaves 1 million to do the work.
There are 200,000 in Primary and Secondary schools.
Which leaves 800,000 to do the work.
Of this there are 300,000 employed by
the government.
Leaving 500,000 to do the work.
50,000 are in the protective services(Police, Army, Coast Guard and
Fire)preoccupied
with Crime, Kidnapping etc.
Which leaves 450,000 to do the work.
Take from the total the 100,000 people who work for Works, URP and
CEPEP.
And that leaves 350,000 to do the work.
At any given time there are 100,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 250,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 248,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your ass,
at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice, real nice.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on October 02, 2005, 04:35:49 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on October 04, 2005, 07:33:47 PM
Those Red X's....boy, do they crack me up. :P
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Kaizen on October 05, 2005, 09:02:11 PM
I think I know these people Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong? Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right? Customer: Yeah.... Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen..... Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
===============
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one...
===============
< B>Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left?
===============!
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red... Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Tech support: Did the key! board come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work
===============
Tech support! : Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get o n the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you? Customer:! I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under windows? Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
=============== And last but not least:....
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: tech100 on October 05, 2005, 09:39:45 PM
thas some good tech related ones kaizen, here's a similiar themed one:
A friend worked for a company that made IC's. Every few months, their yields would go down to about zero. Analysis of the failures showed all sorts of organic material was introduced in the process, but they couldn't figure out where. One evening, someone was working late and came into the lab. There he found the maintainence crew cooking pizza in the chip curing ovens!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on October 09, 2005, 10:03:24 PM
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago. So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read:
"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Trinbagonian newspapers reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 500 metres, Trini scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: carlsberg on October 14, 2005, 05:36:15 PM
on was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear.
The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Jon decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.
The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply.
Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.
The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on October 18, 2005, 09:04:49 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Kaizen on October 23, 2005, 11:28:55 PM
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breathand laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?" "Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you sh&t on its head.
sorry didnt edit it last night ..XD
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on October 24, 2005, 12:24:25 AM
I get the joke, but what's up with all the arrows, dude? Was this forwarded to you via e-mail, or what?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on October 26, 2005, 11:46:59 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Trinitus on October 27, 2005, 12:07:09 AM
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL suck salt!!!1 PlOI!!! And dis is an average doubles stand, and the second one is... well what Kaizen would like to see across the board, no matter where he in Trinidad, Ah psychic ent!!! Oh yeah dat is trini line up for doubles, when it dat good, ORDAH DOH Cross de Bordah!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on October 27, 2005, 12:14:53 AM
......I don't get it. Sorry, Xeno. Flew right over my head, that one.
Narc, yours all kind of rocks, though. Sucking salt indeed. :P
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on October 27, 2005, 09:18:32 AM
DAT REAL BAD, allyuh men real good oui
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on November 01, 2005, 02:21:09 PM
wha go be your postion? (http://www.islandmix.com/backchat/attachment.php?attachmentid=31179&stc=1)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on November 02, 2005, 09:55:11 PM
^^^ Most likely? DEAD. :P
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Trinitus on November 03, 2005, 11:14:17 AM
Mary's father had three daughters Ping, Pang, Pong and Poo, what is the 5th daughter's name?
10 fish in the sea, 5 drown, how much will remain?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on November 03, 2005, 07:48:15 PM
u like shit eh...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on November 03, 2005, 07:57:39 PM
1. Mary. And it's five daughters, not three. And you told that one wrong.
2. 10. Fish don't drown.
Let me show you how it's done, junior.
1) Bill and Ted were born on the same day, of the same month, of the same year, at exactly the same time. They live in the same house, are brothers, and have the same parents. (redundant, I know, but just to clear things up the last time I told this.)
And yet, Bill and Ted are NOT twins. Why?
2) Harry is sitting on a bench, encased in a steel box, with the floor, ceiling and the sides perfectly sealed together (just to show you that there aren't any loose sides or some nonsense like that.) The cube has no windows, no doors, no apparent portals to escape.
Harry escapes a little while later. How does he do it?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Kaizen on November 12, 2005, 03:16:53 PM
We give abu or best regards when he goes to jail
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on November 15, 2005, 07:23:21 PM
i think if he gets his way de terrorist ting go dun
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: greyfox on November 18, 2005, 06:49:28 PM
lol, the really answer on how to stop terrorism *calls bush on his celly*
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on December 05, 2005, 07:15:10 PM
World's Ugliest Dog (http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/graphics/uglydog.jpg)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on December 05, 2005, 08:30:47 PM
Er....I don't get it.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Trinitus on December 06, 2005, 10:17:36 AM
OOOOOkkk this is what i think he meant cause that "dog" isnt ugly this one is....well.....was its dead now.....
EDIT: Whoa, boy. That picture nearly made me lose my lunch, there. Could you Try just putting up the link to the picture instead?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Kaizen on December 15, 2005, 04:55:57 PM
hmmmm
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on December 17, 2005, 05:40:39 PM
is this distasteful? (http://www.amazinghumor.com/pics/0037.gif)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on December 19, 2005, 10:34:48 AM
Vin Diesel - The Facts When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny. If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives." There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. F@#$ you, team. When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live. When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with. Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors. Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence. Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the frig down. Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULL$HIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas. When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face. Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill. Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding. Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear. To attain inner peace, Vin Diesel eats Buddhists. Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him. Vin Diesel once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it. Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital. Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's sh1t. You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children. Vin Diesel can divide by zero. If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response. Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage. When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. During a stay at Neverland Ranch in the 80's, Vin Diesel was awoken by Michael Jackson who was trying to sneak into his bed. Vin Diesel punched Jackson so hard that he knocked the black right off of him.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on December 19, 2005, 05:39:19 PM
ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL Hmmm i have one for the versus thread den Vin Diesel vs. Chuck Norris
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: QZA on December 20, 2005, 02:36:22 PM
nah , Vin is the heir to the throne but he eh in Chuck Norris caagory yet, when jamacain dancehall artists start to wax eloquent about his badness then he may have a chance. at least two consider norris the baddest, junior gong in welcome to jamrock and merciless in mavis. the only present treath to the norris throne is the unstoppable steven segal, even a spinach enhanced popeye might have trouble beating segal in a one on one fight
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on December 20, 2005, 07:18:31 PM
nah , Vin is the heir to the throne but he eh in Chuck Norris caagory yet, when jamacain dancehall artists start to wax eloquent about his badness then he may have a chance. at least two consider norris the baddest, junior gong in welcome to jamrock and merciless in mavis. the only present treath to the norris throne is the unstoppable steven segal, even a spinach enhanced popeye might have trouble beating segal in a one on one fight
u gone maddddddd ent...ure head gone based on ur logic we have to wait on jamaican dancehall artistes to wax eloquent abt his badness, in case u ent realise Seagal can't go anywhere near jamaica or a rastaman
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on December 20, 2005, 07:52:48 PM
(http://www.islandmix.com/backchat/attachment.php?attachmentid=32347&stc=1) I badd dan Vin dat is wat i use...toilet paper is for queers....ROFL
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on December 20, 2005, 07:53:53 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on January 20, 2006, 09:32:07 PM
choice of 2 playable characters? manning and bas?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: shivadee on January 20, 2006, 10:27:49 PM
Abu is unlockable
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on January 25, 2006, 03:56:13 PM
Deaf Accountant
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.
This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, that's why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shake down the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzio's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.
Don't ya just love lawyers?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on January 25, 2006, 03:58:11 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Kaizen on January 25, 2006, 05:29:29 PM
rofl now that one just to sad
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on January 25, 2006, 10:03:56 PM
Ah yes, Emotion Eric. He does requests for pictures showing him in funny situations. This one was one of my favorites. Too bad he seldomly updates, though...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on January 26, 2006, 10:16:07 AM
Narcissus... that one is a CLASSIC dread.... I almost dead laughing at meh wok oui... would have been bad too since I by a customer..LMAO..
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on January 27, 2006, 09:45:38 PM
wat no chakura? anyway... (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v639/jamielynn23/likehell.jpg?SSImageQuality=Full)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on January 27, 2006, 09:48:41 PM
The FBI's new trackin tech
http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on February 01, 2006, 09:25:20 PM
this explains it..... (http://www.marmalade.ca/images/thering-thumb.jpg)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: shivadee on February 04, 2006, 04:27:21 PM
the full trailer 1337 style for those that only say the .gif file
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on February 05, 2006, 11:13:17 AM
Three buddies talking bout if they in they casket and friends and family are mourning over them, what they would like to hear them say 'bout them? The first fella say, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man." The second fella say, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who mek a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The third fella say, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK DEY, HE MOVING!!!!!"
btw: my 500th post
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: shivadee on February 05, 2006, 05:23:41 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on February 24, 2006, 07:52:53 AM
Dat google and ipod BAD... not too sure about the what is love though....
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on March 02, 2006, 02:13:10 PM
HOW TO HANDLE A CUSTODY DISPUTE:
A Rasta and his Empress are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child.
The Empress jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody."
The judge turns to the dread and says,"What do you have to say in the matter?
The Rasta sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose and said, "Yow...Your Honor, If I and I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi come out, a who fa Pepsi ...'I and I' or the machine?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: BeoBear on March 08, 2006, 05:34:12 PM
Ahem....this link is a dubbing of an x-men episode featuring the juggernaut ....it is extreeemly vulgar and no one should view it....
http://www.wimp.com/juggernaut/
but it is funny.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Red Paradox on March 09, 2006, 02:50:03 PM
LOL That was great!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: greyfox on March 09, 2006, 05:43:56 PM
lol yeah i seen this like 2 days ago, got the vid on my psp now. lol
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on March 10, 2006, 02:41:28 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on March 24, 2006, 07:15:46 AM
Steupsssssssssssssssss.....
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on March 24, 2006, 04:32:25 PM
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream and Pizza Boys Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh, green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels . And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created the Port of Spain General Hospital.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: justinkoo on March 24, 2006, 08:10:25 PM
haha that real bad
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on March 24, 2006, 08:28:14 PM
Actually, most of us already knew that from the get-go.....:P
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: shivadee on March 25, 2006, 04:30:53 PM
ANyone ever see the happy tabla guy vids? not 56k friendly.....well kinda
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: shivadee on March 28, 2006, 07:48:51 PM
Hommuch of alyuh get like this when alyuh get one for xmas? http://youtube.com/watch?v=pFlcqWQVVuU
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on March 29, 2006, 08:09:25 AM
hoss i sure dat yute mash up de system before it come out de box wit all dat bangin up
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on April 10, 2006, 09:24:17 AM
Anatomy class Students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you don't get disgusted." The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second important quality is observation. I inserted the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on April 10, 2006, 09:26:44 AM
MEMO: Please note that at all future office parties and company picnics/functions there will be only one drink per person. Please bring your own cup.
The Management (http://img240.imageshack.us/img240/6912/1cup3qs.jpg)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on April 10, 2006, 11:10:51 PM
Oh shi-
This one WINS. Chakura!!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: spinner on April 11, 2006, 08:35:45 AM
ROFL......dat was bad!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TrinireturnofGamez on April 11, 2006, 12:26:45 PM
it was dread.. i remember that episode of xmen , whats her name brother or something wanted to take over the empire or something and kindap her .... Juggernaut get owned by gladiator , i don't think gladiator ever lost a fight except to Pheonix .
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on April 11, 2006, 01:23:46 PM
Cause i'm the juggernaut BIA..... yuh get the point. LMAO that was funny $hit man... shouldn't this be in the just a joke section? well consider it moved.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TrinireturnofGamez on April 11, 2006, 07:52:35 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jdcrys_Shinkuu on April 12, 2006, 11:19:59 AM
a king once had a beautiful daughter and wanted her married before she reached 25. so on her 24th birthday he decided to have a contest. he dug a deep moat around his castle n placed sharks n alligators and some pirahnas for good measure. he declared that the first man who can make it across the moat without any floatation devices before 6pm would get his daughters hand in marraige half the treasury and the title of king in 5 years. all sorts of people gathered for the event. amongst them were a trini, jamaican and a local englishman. the englishman went first. he jumped straight into the water and was eaten instantly. the jamaican started next. he danced and sang reggae for the alligators and whilst walking on their backs was eaten by a shark. many others throughout the day dove in to the same fate. around 557pm the trini came out of the water on the kings side. the king rushed to congratulate the man. son you have won my daughter wealth n title!!! how do you feel about that to which he replied.... "boss man me eh no bout all dat nah, i jes want to see the man who push me inside d damn water...."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillZone on April 18, 2006, 10:40:02 PM
yo mama so fat when she jumps the band skips. hahaha
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on April 19, 2006, 09:49:36 AM
Oh please dont start those Your Mama so.................. jokes. They lost their humor years ago.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on April 20, 2006, 05:42:37 AM
Indeed.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: BeoBear on April 20, 2006, 10:01:33 AM
these are the men that the united states trust with their air defense
http://cellar.org/showthread.php?t=10491
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: shivadee on April 22, 2006, 05:05:42 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on April 24, 2006, 01:26:10 AM
Ok.......what the @$$ was that????????? loool Out of that whole video the only words I could make out were "riddim flow one more time chacarron" lol. Dumbest song ever.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on April 24, 2006, 07:45:26 AM
Stupid Stories that really happened....
Owner of Perfect House Lives in Car September 18, 2002 - Baltimore, USA In fear of possibly disturbing the perfection that is his house, Donald Manison has been forced to live in his 1998 Dodge Caravan. “I became obsessive, everything in the house was so photo-perfect that I was eventually scared of walking on the carpet in fear that I might disturb the direction of the carpet threads.” Magazines wanting a glimpse and photos of the perfect house were limited to viewing through opened ground floor windows. When asked how long he will continue his present lifestyle he replied, “If living in my mini-van is payment for a perfect house, I’m willing to pay.”
Man Arrested for Sexually Assaulting Female Manikin August 19, 2002 - Georgia, USA A man resembling a giant kid was arrested Thursday for sexually assaulting a manikin at a women’s fashion outlet store. Store clerks describe how the man made several trips past the manikin, and then went up onto the podium where he commenced to fondle the manikin’s breasts. When questioned about the incident, he said "I couldn't help it, she had the nicest set of tits I’ve seen in a long time."
Man Never Misses Trip To Gym For 5 Years July 29, 2002 - Florida, USA In an attempt to force himself into a healthy routine of exercise, a Florida man hired a hit man to kill him if he failed to show up to any of his 3 weekly workouts for the past 5 years. "At first I thought the ridiculous membership fees and that ludicrous up front joining fee would make me workout so I wouldn't waste the money - but that didn't work. Within weeks I was coming up with all sorts of lame pathetic excuses not to go. So I decided that if money wouldn't promote me to go, losing my life would. The hit man idea has worked like a charm, maybe even too good. There were some times that I truly would have preferred not to go, like that time I had bronchial asthmatic pneumonia. I've never had so much dark green mucus running down my face in my life, you should have seen that treadmill afterwards. But with all its ups and downs, my only complaint lately is that what I originally thought were expensive gym fees have been over shadowed by the high cost of the hit man. Now that I want to stop, I can't because I told him to shoot me if I told him I wanted to give up."
AOL Advert Campaign Actor Dies of Boredom July 22, 2002 - California, USA Jeffery Goldstein, the actor whose embarrassing line “I love when it says ‘You’ve got mail’”, won him enemies the world over, passed away last night due to extreme unbelievable boredom. When questioning his mother about her son she stated, “What he said in the ad was actually true, he would spend hours a day signing up for spam lists, newsletters, write e-cards to himself and even post messages on bulletin boards asking others to spam his email address just so he could hear that retched ‘You’ve got mail’”. His mother continued on to explain the cause of the death, “But when the speakers attached to his computer stopped working last night, a few hours after the last ‘You’ve got mail’, he slipped into a boredom induced death spiral. The doctor said the symptoms of his death are similar to thousands others who were listening to the latest Celine Dion album.”
I'mm not sure if this is NSFW cause its words but just incase ............NSFW http://www.lotsofjokes.com/cat_480.htm
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on April 24, 2006, 07:52:22 AM
hhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....dat guy making me feeling dat i cud sing an make money an get some decent lookin chicks
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on April 24, 2006, 08:59:30 AM
Chakura for Narc, dread... dat icon flash real bad...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Heady on April 24, 2006, 09:18:51 AM
LOLOLOL HOSS he sound like he was singing another guys song and didnt know the words LOLOLOL
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jdcrys_Shinkuu on April 25, 2006, 02:37:15 PM
d icons have it literally btw where can i dl that...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on April 25, 2006, 11:09:28 PM
In case anybody's confused....I merged the Icon Flash thread with this one. Seems like Just a Joke material to me, wouldn't you say?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jdcrys_Shinkuu on April 26, 2006, 03:36:29 PM
yes i would.....
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on April 26, 2006, 08:40:53 PM
D business serious http://www.wimp.com/grow/
(http://www.boners.com/content/796128.1.jpg)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on April 26, 2006, 11:25:44 PM
nasteh!!!
I wouldn't want to be a janitor in that school.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: ProtoJoe on April 27, 2006, 12:24:42 PM
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: prozecks on April 27, 2006, 12:44:58 PM
dude that was one arse of a man....shet!!!!!!....only goes to show u don't be fooled by apperances and preconceptions....lol
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on April 28, 2006, 04:38:13 PM
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother.
he shudda neva tell she dat
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jdcrys_Shinkuu on April 28, 2006, 05:03:49 PM
no father..... no money..... no gyul......dat rel hard dread....
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on May 01, 2006, 04:40:24 PM
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the
Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking,
I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold! a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me. "
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have! an accident?"<
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smel l was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled:
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jdcrys_Shinkuu on May 01, 2006, 05:06:59 PM
Office Vocabulary
* Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed, or a project failed, and who was responsible.
* Seagull manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything, then leaves.
* Salmon day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
* Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
* CLM: "Career Limiting Move". Used amongst microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss whilst he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB: Career Limiting Behavior.)
* Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
* Flight risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
* 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404: Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . he's 404, man."
* Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
* Percussive maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* Prairie dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a" cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
* Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on May 07, 2006, 01:10:03 PM
With World Cup 2006 just around the corner, and the Soca Warriors stepping up to the plate, I just thought I'd share this e-mail I got. Usually, I don't like receiving these, but this one happened to catch my attention, and got a laugh out of me. So, now, I present for thy viewing pleasure:
WORLD CUP RULES FOR GIRLFRIENDS & WIVES[/size]
LIST OF RULES
1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention. Get to know our teams, because if you speak favorably of an opposing side, YOU WILL BE SHOT!!
2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won’t have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it won’t happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it’s only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime scores are pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".
8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch??” The reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".
12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League/FA Cup, UEFA Champions League, UEFA Cup, Euro Championship, Supercup, Confederations Cup, etc… etc… (Then there's Basketball & Cricket, plus Superbowl).
Thank you for your cooperation.
Regards,
Men of the World.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on May 07, 2006, 06:24:55 PM
* Percussive maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
yup i know bout that...i do that even when the device works fine...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jdcrys_Shinkuu on May 08, 2006, 11:54:55 AM
New Screensaver yall
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on May 08, 2006, 01:16:04 PM
WHOA Chakura for you JD!!! dat was mad... I actually found myself staring at it for 15 mins catching follies of how Bush does fall and squeeze through the openings... good find man, I done pull the shockwave file, another to add to the collection
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jdcrys_Shinkuu on May 08, 2006, 04:41:29 PM
one day a pirate walked into a pet store and asked for a parrot. The ladie replied, "I am sorry but we only have one parrot and, well, he isn't very pirate...ish..."
The pirate looked at the lady and said, "what do ya mean 'not very piratish'"?
The atendant awnsered "Well he sings chrismas carols when you light a match under his feet."
"Well let me see him,"said the pirate, "I realy need a parrot."
The attendant brought out the parrot and a box of matches.
"Here watch this" She said.She ;it a match and place it under his right foot.
The parrot squaked and started to sing "Away in a manger no crib for a bed..."
she blew the match out lit another and placed it under his right foot.
The parrot began to sing "Jingle bells, Batman smells Robin laid an egg......"
She looked at the pirate who look very unsure. "He sings this one really really loud though."
she lit a third match, put it between the parrots legs and he squaked at the top of his lungs...
"CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE!!!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: ProtoJoe on May 09, 2006, 11:13:39 AM
Mexican Doctor
A young lady was having a conversation with a Trinidadian one day and told him that she had returned to Trinidad to get married. He couldn't understand why after living abroad for so many years she couldn't find a nice man to marry instead of coming back to Trinidad.
She eventually told him that she was getting married to a Mexican doctor (in a very pronounced American accent at that). Well the guy couldn't believe what he had heard and told her, "A Mexican doctor! But girl, ah real happy for yuh. Yuh real do good for yuhself!".
Eventually the day of the wedding came and the same guy who she told about the wedding decided that he wanted to pass by and see for himself how things were proceeding. He however noticed that all that was playing at the reception was dub (dancehall) music. He couldn't understand how they would only be playing dub music and the guy was Mexican, so he decided to ask someone about it.
He said, "Hear nah...how come dey playin so much ah dub, an de fella is a Mexican doctor?".
The other person said, "Mexican doctor...man... de fella is a maxi conductor!!"
Okay, try saying it with an american accent, maxi conductor
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: ProtoJoe on May 11, 2006, 11:47:38 AM
I guess its ok for me to post again since its been awhile since the last post....
I could honestly see my self doing this:
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello" Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" Man: "Yes" Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?” Man: "A grand, sure, go ahead if you like it that much." Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models, I saw one I really liked." Man: "How much?" Woman: $90,000." Man: "Okay but for $90,000, I want it with all the options." Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... the house I wanted last year is back on the market - they're asking $950,000." Man: 'Well, go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. I not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is clearly a pretty good price." Woman: "Okay I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" Man: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jdcrys_Shinkuu on May 11, 2006, 01:00:19 PM
lol @ not his phone!
Panday makes a call to London
Panday <-- i callin from THE CELL
Friend <---- DIGICELL or TSTT
Panday <--- Golden Grove
Friend <----- A New Company? What are their RATES like!
got that from my girlfriend....
Click on the GIF
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Kaizen on May 16, 2006, 04:18:55 AM
some humor....classic internet pics
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on May 16, 2006, 05:18:45 PM
SERIOUS(1st one) but Funny(2nd one) (jus got it in email)
TWO TRUE STORIES ABOUT RACISM
1) I'm sure many of you watched the recent taping of the Oprah Winfrey
Show where her guest was Tommy Hilfiger. On the show, she asked him if the statements about race he was accused of saying were true. Statements like"..."If I'd known African-Americans, Hispanics, Jewish and Asians would buy my clothes, I WOULD NOT have made them so nice. I wish these people would *NOT* buy my clothes, as they are made for upper class white people."
His answer to Oprah was a simple "YES". Where after she immediately asked him to leave her show.
My suggestion? Don't buy your next shirt or perfume from Tommy Hilfiger. Let's give him what he asked for. Let's not buy his clothes, let's put Him in a financial state where he himself will not be able to afford the ridiculous prices he puts on his clothes. Let's find out if Non-whites really play such a small part in the world. Stop buying any range of their product, perfume, cosmetics, clothes, bags, etc.,
2) Scene took place on a British Airways flight between Johannesburg and London .
A White woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess. "Madam, what is the matter," the hostess asked. "You obviously do not see it then?" she responded. "You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat." "Be calm please," the hostess replied. "Almost all the places on this Flight is taken.
I will go to see if another place is available." The Hostess went away and t hen came back a few minutes later. "Madam, Just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the economy class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is a seat in the business class. All the same, we still have one place in the first class." Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued: "It is not Usual for our company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting." She turned to the black guy, and said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in first class." At that moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had Just witnessed stood up and applauded.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on May 16, 2006, 06:09:53 PM
Err....about that first one.....it's not exactly true (http://www.snopes.com/racial/business/hilfiger.asp) (click link to see.) I don't think anybody would be that stupid to risk killing their business.
As for the second, if that was true, I would've gotten up and appauded with the others myself. The sad thing is, I actually know a few people who are like that. It's just pathetic, really.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on May 16, 2006, 07:27:55 PM
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is Bajan . She asked her students to raise their hands if they were Bajan too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Charlene has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not Bajan .." "Then", asked the teacher, "What are you?". Im a proud Trini ."boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asked Charlene why she is a Trini .. "Well, my mom and dad are Trini , so i am Trini too."
The teacher is now angry. "Thats no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause and then a smile. "Then," says Charlene "I would be a Bajan .."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on May 16, 2006, 08:33:25 PM
Oh shi-
Chakura for you. NOW.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on May 23, 2006, 08:03:11 PM
Bank Robbery
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately.
The robbers,who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash &valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside theyfound only a small bowl of vanilla pudding! As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one dollar, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
ARKANSAS' LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on May 25, 2006, 05:41:49 PM
thats disgusting
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on May 25, 2006, 08:17:27 PM
....what disturbs me is the fact that they didn't even notice the difference in the taste of the so-called 'pudding'.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on May 25, 2006, 08:22:16 PM
Who knows...after 'pudding' sits down for a while in a refridgerated environment, it just might taste like pudding....I'm not willing to experiment to find out though.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on May 25, 2006, 08:41:50 PM
someone who frequents seedy locales like woodbrook sidestreets at 2AM may be able to clear the air on the issue.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on May 26, 2006, 10:38:44 AM
it only hav one woodbrook sidestreet i know bout an tha was to go play game...but i wouldn mmind findin the seedy locales...directions anyone?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on May 26, 2006, 10:43:29 AM
Side streets? Things reach a higher level where is no longer side streets alone, but on main roads too. Take a drive down Roberts street late at night and youll see what i mean.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Hidden_Ninja on May 26, 2006, 12:13:35 PM
Something told me not to read this
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on May 26, 2006, 05:40:46 PM
Yo pplz the hijacking, STOP. Let's stick to the Just a Joke thread plz.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on May 28, 2006, 06:55:19 AM
There was Manning, Panday, Robbie, and Sat Maharaj. All four of them were on top of a cliff discussing the difficulties that their people had gone through.
Sat Maharaj said, "my people have suffered the most, and in honor of what they have endured, I will fling myself off this cliff in hopes that my blood will change things."
So he yelled "THIS IS FOR MY PEOPLE", and jumped off the cliff,
Robbie not wanting to be outdone, quickly looked at the other two and followed yelling "THIS IS FOR MY PEOPLE" and jumped off the cliff as well.
Manning was touched by this and decided it was his turn, so he yelled "THIS IS FOR MY PEOPLE" and pushed Panday off the cliff!
STOP LAUGHING!!!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on May 31, 2006, 09:32:57 AM
Dread that's funny and also not far from the truth. I've been in the US lately and I must say coming back home to hear politicians playing the race card (see Camila) in SUCH a large way, plus if the implications of what is being said is true... it's a SAD SAD country we live in. Your joke is funny and yet not, as the irony of your joke is that it's more or less a metaphorical depiction of the reality that is Trinindad today.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on June 01, 2006, 09:39:55 PM
Kamla and Panday and UNC and Manning and Valley all ah them is one and the same. Both sides are guilty of playing the race card, one more than the next, but they all have a hand in the mess that we are in today...and the sad part is that more than likely things wont change...at least not in our lifetime...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on June 01, 2006, 09:41:35 PM
anyway allyuh hold ah nex one dey...
The Love of Football...
A man had two great tickets for the FIFA World Cup final.
As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "The seat is empty".
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup final, the biggest sporting event in the year, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married".
"Oh . I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head...
"No. They're all at the funeral"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: einstien101 on June 01, 2006, 10:36:24 PM
dat man dutty.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on June 02, 2006, 05:25:06 PM
WOW..... daz all I have to say.... gg
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: BeoBear on June 02, 2006, 06:03:46 PM
waow...now that man ... is a fan.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on June 02, 2006, 07:32:52 PM
its quite funny the first few times u read it........got it in my email a few months ago
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on June 07, 2006, 07:27:54 PM
imagine this happenin to yuh... (http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a329/deven2001/FirstPersonShooter.gif)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on June 08, 2006, 08:12:55 AM
I'd probably never want to play Doom again after that. Good one, Narc-dude. :)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jdcrys_Shinkuu on June 22, 2006, 03:21:27 PM
http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=8
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on June 29, 2006, 07:13:39 PM
lol ok so i now hear dis on x play adam is ah beast yes lollll
was reveiwing some gay and he was like
" Chuck Norris's tears have been rumoured to be able to cure cancer.... its just to bad that he has never cried" LOL LOL LOL LOL ahahah
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on June 29, 2006, 07:16:18 PM
lets all laugh at Crixx not his joke :ph34r: ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^
there shud be a smliey that does laugh
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on June 29, 2006, 07:54:44 PM
http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=52
lol @ this one too ahah
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: greyfox on June 29, 2006, 08:24:46 PM
http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=62 for the ppl who played MGS3:se
and for anyone who plays mgo (i might be the only one) http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=190
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on July 01, 2006, 06:36:30 PM
DIVORCE - Polish Style
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him -- "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce
would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."
LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It made of concrete."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player. "
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I always up before her."
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "No, she white."
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof .
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on July 02, 2006, 11:06:53 AM
hhahhah @ chuck norris never cries and his tears could cure cancer.
Good one indeed.
Narc, that FPS animated gif just mad!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jdcrys_Shinkuu on July 03, 2006, 03:09:29 PM
I'll watch it a bit later. My 56K here notoriously sucks with YouTube.
EDIT: AWESOME. I wish I could do that in the game for real. Ah, to dream...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jdcrys_Shinkuu on July 07, 2006, 10:59:57 AM
What wrong with allyuh people dread Popeye is a bad man who ever thought of those moves was obviously a Popeye fan to remember all the characters n various tie ins...Chakura 4 u
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on July 07, 2006, 11:07:49 AM
WOI @ Bison in Mario world... here's my addition to the mario scene, check out these flash clips: The FALL of MARIO (http://alxlen.com/flashlevel%20ads/banner1%20468x60/mariocentral.html)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on July 07, 2006, 11:13:41 AM
Ent? Popeye just MOPPED the freaking floor and then some with Vegeta. Then again, I won't go into how insanely powerful Popeye gets with Spinach. If you can even call it that, because I have a sneaking suspicion that's it's something else green and leafy that he's inhaling.......
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: greyfox on July 07, 2006, 11:17:23 AM
i don't know if anyone here knew about the juggernaut vid, but these are the guys you tube site that made them, plus they got part 2 out, funny stuff, lotsa cussing in their stuff, don't click it if u have weak ears.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on July 07, 2006, 11:29:53 AM
Err....okay.
Don't suppose you have a link, by chance?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on July 07, 2006, 12:23:28 PM
Neo someone put that up a while back, I can't rem if it was in here of otherwise... "cause i'm the jauggernauth b1tch!!!!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: greyfox on July 07, 2006, 01:09:59 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on July 12, 2006, 12:50:05 PM
Chakra for you !!!!! SPLOI!!! but on a real de man supposed to make his official statement on his actions today... I wonder if there will be more spoofs with footage & voice over of that statement coupled with the headbutt.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Saxito Pau on July 12, 2006, 03:35:16 PM
allyuh sick..men BEAT me to posting the zidane headbutt spoof, yes!!
so i go jes put up the link to the rest of animated gif spoofs...
http://gifdump.com/search/zidane/
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Red Paradox on July 12, 2006, 04:34:24 PM
(http://www.secret.cc/pics/ZZ/zidanehonda.gif) my personal fav
finally Raiden has compitition...alibabayay! ^_^
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Bourbon_Ghost on July 13, 2006, 01:38:23 PM
omfglolwtf :p
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on July 16, 2006, 10:51:08 AM
Patrick Manning, the Prime Minister of Trinidad & Tobago, was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meaning. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead a discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend is crossing the road and a car hit him and kill him that would be a tragedy." "No," said Manning, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand and said: "If a bus carrying people to Maracas Bay drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister, "That's what we would call a great loss.” The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Manning searched the room and asked: "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If a car carrying you is hit by one of your motor cycle escorts, crashes and you die, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Manning "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?" "Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: ProtoJoe on July 24, 2006, 04:15:11 PM
Yea, this is a skit from the new Dave Chapelle, funny stuff.
NSFW = banners
Link here (http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/39866/Chappelle_s_Show_Tupac_Song.html)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: spinner on July 25, 2006, 01:14:36 AM
ROFL.....Dave Chapelle again..lol..but i dont think its new episodes..its just some 'Lost' episodes
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on July 25, 2006, 07:06:59 AM
I wrote this song a long time ago, a real long time ago lol. The record might skip might skip...i told you stop hittin the table.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on July 25, 2006, 08:38:39 AM
Imagine this is from an airline website???? 0_o http://www.ryanair.com/site/EN/notices.php?notice=060822-ASP-EN
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on August 23, 2006, 10:19:06 AM
Would you believe I keep telling people that's what we'll end up resorting to in the airports? Blasted terrorist mcs ruining it for everyone. Doesn't prevent cavity searches, though. >__<
Anyhoo, had to remove the image. Some parts of that picture managed to escape censoring, and somebody can raise an eyebrow to that picture. Left the link so people can still see it, though.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: ProtoJoe on August 25, 2006, 12:40:44 AM
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologising for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on August 25, 2006, 07:12:56 AM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on August 25, 2006, 08:36:00 AM
LMAO I KNEW this joke would be like that. I read something similar a while back... I have a fart joke:
In a retirement home there was this one old man (George) whom didn't say much and talked to even less. Everyday the nurse would escort him from his room and place him to sit in the gallery to take in a sunset. One day the nurse put him to watch the sunset as she always had, but noticed he was leaning to one side. Thinking that it would not be good for him to sit like that in his old age with whatever back problems he may have she promptly put him straight. She went about her normal duties in the mean while only to return and see him leaning to the other side. Again she sat him up straight. This went on for some time with him only leaning to the left or right and the nurse sitting him straight. Eventually another elderly individual joined the old man to watch the sunset (Junior). So the Junior asked George : "what's wrong, you seem troubled, why be troubled when there is such a lovely sunset' George replied: "That %^&king nurse keep sitting meh up straight when I trying to rip one"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on August 25, 2006, 08:51:53 AM
Longman the bookwriter (you know Longman books?) and Shakespeare met each other at the gates of heaven. St. Peter: I'm sorry but there isn't room for 2 literary geniuses in heaven atm i'm afraid, 1 of you is going to have to wait. Shakespeare: How about we have a contest to see who gets in first? St. Peter: That seems fair, what do you all propose? Shakespeare: Well we'll have a poem content and you'll (St. Peter) will decide the winner, the topic can be anything you want it to be. Longman: Agreed St. Peter: Very well then.... tell me a poem about timbucktu Longman: I travelled cross a distant land, I came upon a sea of sand, a caravan came passing through, it's destination timbucktu. St. Peter: Brilliant... Willaim your retort? Shakespeare: Friend tim and I a hunting went, speid three maidens in a tent, since they were 3 and we were 2, I buck 1 and timbucktu St. Peter: Genius... that was too close to call... how about another poem? Shakespeare & Longman: Agreed St. Peter: Tell me a poem about a bow legged man Longman: hmmm... *ponders for a moment*, Across the bridge and down the road, there walks a man who's legs are bowed. St. Peter: Not bad, not bad Shakespeare: *frowns.... and ponders for a while*, WHAT HO WHAT SORT OF MAN IS THIS WHO'S B@LLS ARE FRAMED IN PARENTHESIS!
Guess who won
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on August 25, 2006, 01:16:28 PM
Ah fella was walking down Fredrick Street when he saw a young boy with one bob in his left ear, and one bob in the right ear, and moving his head as if listening to music. So the fella stops the boy.
"Young boy. So tell meh, why is it yuh have 2 bobs in yuh ears?"
The reply?
"Ah listening to 50 cent."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on August 25, 2006, 02:30:03 PM
*slightest of chuckles*
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Heady on August 25, 2006, 04:58:10 PM
Funny Clip trini RMK
http://www.badongo.com/file/1291198
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: BeoBear on August 25, 2006, 08:11:21 PM
lol alyuh fellas does kill meh.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on August 26, 2006, 12:03:09 PM
Time to minus d chakra USA vs TNT
USA: Such tasteful Hors d'heurves, sumptuous finger foods, wow! TnT: Whuddy ass is dis? Whey de blasted food?
USA: Here Kitty kitty.. get down from the roof. TnT: Ey yuh ole dutty stinkin cyat, come off de bleddy gyalvanize before ah drop two stone in yuh ass!
USA: Aren't those pants a bit short? TnT: Yuh expekin flood or wha?
USA: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that. TnT: Buh wha trouble is dis? Boy st! op flingin meh grip so.
USA: Lift the hood of the car for me John. TnT: Yute-man, fly de bonnet nuh!
USA: I love you girl. TnT: Ah rell check fuh yuh, yuh know.
USA: Oh the poor little boy is handicap. TnT: Look at de lil invalid...
USA: It's time for a perm. TnT: Gyul , yuh head need straightenin bad. Yuh doh see all de gren-gren showin.
USA: I have a stomach ache. TnT: Oh gorm..............meh belly gripein meh.
USA: He has no manners. TnT: He doh have no broughtupcy.
USA: WOW!...........he ! has such a bad body odor TnT: Yuh doesn't bade?.......oh shit man...... yuh smellin stink!
USA: Josh is suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder. TnT: Dat chile too dam harden.
USA: He has a touch of Dyslexia. TnT: He duncee fuh so.
USA: I need a bottle of Peptobismol...my stomach hurts. TnT: Ah need ah purge bad...ah cork up.
USA: It's been a long time since I've seen you girl. TnT: A..A...! You still alive gyul?
USA: Oh my goodness, we have lost electricity. TnT: Jeezanages!!......current gorn again.
USA: This meal is not too bad. TnT: ! Wha doh kill does fatten and wha doh fatten does purge.
USA: Oh my, your feet are so ashy. TnT: Is how yuh foot and dem look like yuh was kickin flour
so...yuh couldn't a rub lil coconut oil on yuh foot?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on August 29, 2006, 09:09:52 AM
Dread... this HAVE To be a joke.. this is just RI$%^&ingdiculous... talk about laziness to the EXTREME and we have rockstar to thank for this. (http://img172.imageshack.us/img172/3459/tablek3.jpg)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on August 29, 2006, 12:02:12 PM
hahaha
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Narcissus on August 29, 2006, 12:49:31 PM
at least they standin...tha counts fuh some exercise
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on September 04, 2006, 12:07:41 PM
Chuck Norris was the first one to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on September 11, 2006, 09:34:27 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on September 12, 2006, 01:45:26 PM
I am backing away.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on September 12, 2006, 08:12:44 PM
wats the difference between micheal jackson an ah plastic bag
One is made outta plastic an harmful to children.....the other is ah bag ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Allyuh eva hear d joke bout d bed? .................. ................ ............. .......... ...... .... ... .. . It eh make up yet.............LOL --------------------------------------------------------------------- wah yuh does get wen yuh put macaronis on top of ah bible . .. ... .... ...... ......... ........... .............. .................. A pasta(pastor) ----------------------------------------------------- A family of tomatoes running down d street...d small tomato falls behind cuz he slow.....guess wat d fadda tomato say... ------------------- --------------- ------------ ---------- --------- ------ ----- --- - Ketch-up..............HAHAHAHAHA
more stlae jokes to come
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on September 14, 2006, 08:51:32 AM
Why was the blondes' belly button sore?
Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Red Paradox on September 14, 2006, 08:55:01 AM
LOL Jah boy! ^_^ ^_^ that's f***ed up
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on September 14, 2006, 09:16:01 AM
I apologize in advance and feel free to remove if it is deemed offensive.
One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier.
Adam said, "This morning Eve and I made love for the first time."
God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"
Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."
"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Red Paradox on September 14, 2006, 09:55:16 AM
Oh my God...that was jacked up....LOL take some chakura Haven't heard something fresh like that in awhile
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: ProtoJoe on September 14, 2006, 12:29:46 PM
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Trinitus on September 14, 2006, 02:21:51 PM
STOPPPP STOPPP IS TOOOOO MUCH@!!!!! HAHAAHAHHA
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on September 14, 2006, 07:54:22 PM
heard most of those already but funny anyway
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on September 14, 2006, 08:54:11 PM
Oh, whoa. Way too risque for these forums, man. Pretty funny, though, but I've got to do my job. Sorry, man.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on September 14, 2006, 09:12:31 PM
LOL all of them ....GONE in 60seconds
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on September 15, 2006, 06:40:51 AM
Nah, not all of them. I left the Adam and Eve one behind. See? I'm a nice human being.
Now to obtain nourishment by absorbing the rays of your planet's su- I mean, have breakfast. Apples. YES. Normal APPLES. NORMAL.
<__<
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Red Paradox on September 15, 2006, 07:57:45 AM
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
That's messed up dude...LOL Take some chakura
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on September 15, 2006, 08:27:01 AM
Sorry bout that guys. If I get any more I will post the PG-rated ones although those have less of a kick, IMHO.
Attending a wedding for the first time, Little Susie whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
Litte Susie thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"
After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.
He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."
Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"
The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."
"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside ..."
Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel, The design and construction is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price.
Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows.
Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works. Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works. DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work. Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
If Windows is the solution, can we please have the problem back?
Windows 95: The first program, having its best-before-date include in its name.
!rotinom ruoy edisni kcuts m'I ,pleH
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
Data transfer.
How does a blonde kill a fish?
She drowns it ...
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicapped spots.
How do you get a blonde on the roof?
Tell her drinks are on the house.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ...?"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".
Two guys were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy.
"Bet you $10 he won't," replied the second. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first his money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."
"No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on September 15, 2006, 09:59:35 AM
Eh, it's no problem. You could always link them (if possible) with a NSFW tag anyway, if anything.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on September 19, 2006, 06:40:44 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on September 20, 2006, 04:06:10 PM
omg i had forgetten about the nomad how bad! lol
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on September 21, 2006, 12:17:36 PM
A Trini woman was walking along the banks of Maracas
Bay Beach when she stumbled upon an old empty bottle.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a
Genie appeared. She talked with him awhile then the
Genie told her he would grant her ONE wish.
She said she heard from a cousin that she would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie. The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a
Story-tale myth.
I'm a ONE-WISH Genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map, I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about
World peace and harmony."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lord Lady, Wat wrong wit yuh?
PLEASE BE REASONABLE! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.
I'm good, but NOT THAT GOOD!!! I don't think it can be done.
PLEASE make another wish and please ah beg yuh... Be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right Trini man...You know, one that DOESN'T DRINK ALCOHOL, is considerate and fun, likes to dance and helps with the cooking & household chores, is great in bed, is FAITHFUL to me and will attend church with me.
That's what I wish for... a good Trinidadian man. The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Let me see that blasted map again."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on September 21, 2006, 06:08:19 PM
hard luck dey ah hear da one already
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: BeoBear on September 22, 2006, 08:11:47 PM
yea empire...i hear alot of these already...but you dun need ta say so.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on September 22, 2006, 09:37:04 PM
ssssry
allyuh hav any rel stale/corny jokes
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on September 24, 2006, 06:15:13 PM
it sad that we hadda laff at the premise of a "good trini man" fuh real eh
i mean good could happen buh wah dah woman want lOL for real
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on September 24, 2006, 06:44:30 PM
The dummy twins are goin to the superbowl. But don`t wanna drive being that there are going to be 80,000 people at the game. So dum tells dummy why don`t we ride a camel to the game, well dummy thinks that a great idea.So they both get on the camel and go to the game.At the end of the game they walk out and find 20 camels lined up outside.Dummy starts crying saying which is our camel? Dum says relax go and lift the tails of the camel an look for 2 azzholes. Well dummy lifts all 20 tails an starts crying again an tells dum that none of them do.Dummy says are you sure, cause when we rode in i heared someone say, look at those 2 azzholes on the camel!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on September 24, 2006, 09:13:17 PM
lol
good one.
check this pic out. funneh
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on September 24, 2006, 09:46:32 PM
sry but no.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on September 26, 2006, 06:09:29 AM
Your mama is so fat, when she gets on the scale it says "To be continued."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: BeoBear on September 26, 2006, 03:22:22 PM
*shoots vivman*
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on September 26, 2006, 03:41:40 PM
Your mama is so fat, when she gets on the scale it says "To be continued."
*shoots vivman TWICE*
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on September 29, 2006, 12:32:02 PM
lol that halo one kinda decent
but i like the one about the monkeybaby
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on September 29, 2006, 02:01:56 PM
That Halo one's pretty clever, but it took me a while to get. Still pretty funny, though.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on October 02, 2006, 10:56:42 AM
Top 176 Star Wars Lines Improved By Replacing A Word With "Pants"
http://www.keepersoflists.org/index.php?lid=1906
Top ten below
Quote
I find your lack of pants disturbing. You are unwise to lower your pants. Chewie and me got into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this. The Force is strong in my pants. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants. Your pants, you will not need them. You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought. Governer Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's pants. I think you just can't bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your pants. In his pants you will find a new definition of pain and suffering
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Red Paradox on October 02, 2006, 11:59:03 AM
Samus and Master Chief?!?!?!?
Holy f***!!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on October 02, 2006, 03:49:48 PM
ALLYUH AH HAV AH EMERGENCY....I NEED AS MUCH STALE JOKES AS POSSIBLE BY TONITE
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jarrox on October 05, 2006, 01:12:40 PM
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie? A: His lips start moving.
Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull? A: Lipstick.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? A: A hooker will stop trying to screw you once you're dead.
A secretary was leaving the office and she saw the CEO of the company standing by the paper shredder.
The CEO said, "Listen, this is a very important document. Can you make this thing work?"
The secretary turned on the machine and the paper went in perfectly.
As she did this he said, "Great, I just need one copy."
This guy runs home and bursts in yelling: "Pack your bags honey -- I just won the lottery!!"
She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care... Just get the heck out!!"
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Q: Have you any grounds? A: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
Q: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? A: It made of concrete.
Q: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? A: No, we have carport, and not need one.
Q: I mean. What are your relations like? A: All my relations still in Poland.
Q: Is there any infidelity in your marriage? A: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Q: Does your wife beat you up? A: No, I always up before her.
Q: Why do you want this divorce? A: She going to kill me.
Q: What makes you think that? A: I got proof.
Q: What kind of proof? A: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put in shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on October 05, 2006, 02:44:33 PM
It must have seemed a good idea to name a website after the well-known phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword." But written as a web address (URL) which has to have no spaces between words, it didn't turn out exactly as planned. The result is would-be writers finding a site called www.penismightier.com. And it is not the only one to have fallen into the trap. Here is a selection of some of the www.ackiest names on the net.
1. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com
2. Therapists in the US merely wanted to offer troubled souls a shoulder to cry on. Let's hope their advice is not as short-sighted as whoever registered the URL www.therapistfinder.com
3. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
4. There is one betting site that is way out in front as our favorite. With their name they are bound to attract a lot of people looking for each-way wagers: www.oddsexchange.com
5. "We're not just a printer," claims the American firm Tri-Plex. And they guarantee: "Short runs or long, we can handle both equally well." But it makes you wonder what kind of service they are offering from their website with a name like this: www.triplexbusiness.com
6. If you are looking for a place to download the latest songs you might think this one is a homage to bad digital music. Mind you, the site is flagging up the new Michael Bolton album, so maybe it does what is says on the tin after all: www.mp3shits.com
7. Law firm Morrison & Foerster have more than 1,000 legal eagles worldwide. Surely you would have thought one would have spotted the clanger in their site. They couldn't have been briefed properly that it contains a slang abbreviation for a rather strong swear word that would leave them in contempt in the courtroom: www.mofo.com
8. This drinks franchise has spawned a host of copycat stores around the US as it attracts customers by the barrel-load desperate for a schoolboy giggle and quick slurp: www.beaverliquors.com
9. Some say Americans don't understand irony and a site set up by Ingleside Vineyards of Virginia bears that out. They must be flushed with success if the name they chose is anything to go by: www.ipwine.com
10. The plant-growers of Mole Station Nursery in New South Wales claim to specialise in the production of frost- hardy native shrubs and farm trees. Sounds like they are more into deflowering: www.molestationnursery.com
11. If you need an IT professional to fix your broken PC this could be a great place to start, especially if you are having a problem with your hard drive or interruptions to your AC/DC supply: www.expertsexchange.com
12. Looking for an actor and want to get in touch with his or her agent? Then Who Represents is a database of contact names and numbers. But the site owners may well become brassed off by some of the unsavoury clients it attracts: www.whorepresents.com
13. The official site for Barnet Copthall Masters Swimming Club says it has a 12A rating to warn off young kids. It has all the club?s latest news. So why not a section on how to improve your breaststroke? www.upthebeavers.com
14. A building firm based in Ontario, Canada, promises: "No job too small, or too tall." They have even helpfully included some handy pictures showing exactly how they manage to get it up: www.mammotherection.com
15. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com
16. And then there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on October 06, 2006, 09:41:34 AM
Chakra for you DREAD!!! www.getahoe.com LMAO!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on October 06, 2006, 10:15:41 AM
lol and omfg @ molestation nursery ahahahahah
and lollll the rapist finder ahhahah
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on October 06, 2006, 12:19:58 PM
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on November 13, 2006, 09:34:34 AM
This applies to the PRESENT PS3 vs. 360 vs. Wii scenario... its real kix http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=212
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on November 20, 2006, 07:28:00 AM
I think this sums it up in a nutshell
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Qloxx on November 20, 2006, 07:38:10 AM
I would laugh but it's so true
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Synchronomyst on November 20, 2006, 07:53:20 AM
Yeah. I actually can't laugh at that either because of how scarily accurate that is.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on November 22, 2006, 09:37:33 AM
Ah, Mr. Potatomoto. What an inventive spud thou art be.
Anyhoo.
Introducing Microsoft Firefox! (http://msfirefox.com)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Red Paradox on November 22, 2006, 09:58:22 AM
Introducing Microsoft Firefox! (http://msfirefox.com)
??? I don't get it
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on November 22, 2006, 10:01:40 AM
Yeah, NEO, you're a couple days late on the Microsoft Firefox thing. It's aleady in another thread.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Red Paradox on November 22, 2006, 10:16:21 AM
LOL no it's not that......I didn't get the joke....I'm confused
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on November 22, 2006, 02:39:04 PM
Ah, well. Can't win 'em all. And Flip, I'm taking it that you didn't read the fine print.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jarrox on November 23, 2006, 11:43:19 AM
Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 or Old Girlfriend 4.0. These applications are not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Red Paradox on November 23, 2006, 12:09:34 PM
LOL....Wife 1.0 sounds like Sevice Pack 2, f***ed up!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on November 23, 2006, 12:55:35 PM
aye i have a prob, Old Girlfriend 4.0, does mess with Girlfriend 7.0 too, how to fix? Also Girlfriend 7.0 seems to launch Nag Nag 9.5, right after RING 1.0 beta, i though it couldn't do that! if i can't uninstall, can i get a virus like PLAYBOY to get rid of it? ^_^
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jarrox on November 23, 2006, 01:39:11 PM
PLAYBOY is not a virus big man.... that would be a screensaver... after Girlfriend 7.0 launches Nag Nag 9.5 chances are you would press the wrong keys and have to launch PLAYBOY later....
why would you want to go back to Girlfriend 4.0? like Tech support said "The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway"
iz better u just get the 3rd party software like Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 to help stablize Girlfriend 7.0
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on November 23, 2006, 01:45:04 PM
hmmmm i guess ah shoulda get the service pack fuh gf7.0 maybe that would help? after the money dish out to get gf 7.0 running i eh have nun left over for the 3rd party :) like is M$ writing these women .... i mean ....software these days :)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on November 25, 2006, 12:13:08 AM
Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."
Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "24 Hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?"
Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jarrox on December 04, 2006, 03:55:01 PM
Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:
"Wordperfect Customer Support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on December 04, 2006, 04:02:30 PM
LOL. i agree.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on December 04, 2006, 04:18:32 PM
ROFL!!!!!!!!!! BAW @ revenge of the tech-support!!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on December 07, 2006, 04:33:27 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on December 13, 2006, 02:35:26 AM
Attending a wedding for the first time, Little Susie whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
Litte Susie thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on December 13, 2006, 06:35:42 AM
...elkcuhc :huh: :huh: :huh:
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on December 17, 2006, 06:06:40 PM
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a desert island. They find a genie's lamp and agree they'll each get one wish.
The brunette and the redhead both wish they were at home.
The blonde then says, "Gee, I'm kinda lonely ... I wish my friends were here ... "
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on December 18, 2006, 07:10:26 AM
kinda funny
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on December 18, 2006, 11:39:56 AM
I get the joke, but the horrible artwork just kills it for me. Sorry.
In other news:
http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=221
Gamecube.....NOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo! ;___;
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on December 29, 2006, 12:40:40 PM
WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...
LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."
I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER. MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.
AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY
DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."
I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!" WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY
ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"
I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"
SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."
AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."
"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.
SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT
CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS
OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".
AND I JUST SAT THERE... ON THE COUCH... ............. NAKED.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on December 29, 2006, 01:29:04 PM
weyyyyyyyyyyyyy.....ROTFLMAOWSMBWWHGF
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on December 29, 2006, 09:29:58 PM
O_O LOL, ROFL, that hadda be one for the books!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Trinitus on December 31, 2006, 02:41:26 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: BeoBear on January 04, 2007, 03:31:37 PM
The other kids make fun of you dont they empire?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on January 04, 2007, 07:39:35 PM
ok to get serious wit u
THINGS MY TRINI MOTHER TAUGHT ME My Mother taught me about RECEIVING. "Yuh go get ah good cut ass when we get home!" My Mother taught me CONSEQUENCES. "If yuh run across de road an' ah car lick yu dong, ah goin' kill yuh wid licks." My Mother taught me THE VALUE OF EDUCATION. "If yuh doh go to school, yuh go pick up garbage on de street."
COVA YUH EYES Cpimp
Trini Classic
This is a true Trini Classic....at least we have a great sense of humor! The TnT government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pr1cks, and gives you a sense of security while it's actually screwing you.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on January 10, 2007, 12:37:06 PM
The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on January 13, 2007, 10:15:00 AM
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on January 13, 2007, 11:44:57 AM
Huh? What? Zwing!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on January 13, 2007, 04:29:57 PM
LMAO THAT REAL BAD!!!! you don't get it Unknown?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on January 15, 2007, 12:33:01 PM
President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stopped to chat.
Pope: "Sorry about the mix up."
President Clinton: "No problem."
Pope: "Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven."
President Clinton: "Why's that? It's not that great."
Pope: "All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."
President Clinton: "Sorry, Your Holiness, You're a day late."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on January 16, 2007, 02:15:49 PM
...in case you're wondering what's so funny about the picture, read the signs next to the plane crash carefully. Man, I hope that's not going to put a dent in their reputation....
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on January 16, 2007, 03:38:02 PM
Well it should'nt affect the school that much, according to the article, the plane lost power. Depending on the reason why it lost power, the school will be thrown in a bad light. If it was an engine fault, then no scene, but if it was pilot error, oohhhh boy.....thats not the place to learn to fly!!! Thankfully he came out unscaved though.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on January 17, 2007, 12:26:41 AM
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on January 24, 2007, 11:31:02 AM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on January 28, 2007, 07:49:16 PM
*joke deleted*
Mod Edit: Sorry. The joke was pretty funny, I'l give you that, but it's still NSFW. Please refer to the rules in the Newbie section.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on January 28, 2007, 09:55:04 PM
LMAO... very reminiscent of the 'a man walks into a bar" joke from Desperado!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on February 01, 2007, 12:28:27 PM
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your d!^#.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Apprentice on February 01, 2007, 03:05:46 PM
ways i was real off if i did try to even guess that one..buh da one was interesting not funny jus like a nod yuh head kinda joke..like yea....not all woman so tho..i know da cause wen i broken...i does jus ask mom for money...w8...wonder if is pops cash that i does be getting whilst she keeps hers...i'm gonna hold that thought...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on February 02, 2007, 12:56:45 PM
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they were done the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on February 03, 2007, 10:14:30 AM
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on February 03, 2007, 12:32:55 PM
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
lol he's a fool! gravity takes place eventually and those bigg....things will become a nightmare
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on February 04, 2007, 12:09:46 PM
A guy walks into a bar.
Guy: "Hey, barkeeper, give me a beer."
Barkeeper: "Tell you what, if you can make that horse out there laugh, I will give you a free beer and $500."
So the guy walks outside and whispers to the horse. The horse laughs. The guy walks back in.
Guy: "Where's my $500 and free beer?"
Barkeeper: "Alright, double or nothing says you can't make that horse cry."
The guy walks outside again. The barkeep chuckles to himself as he's cleaning a glass and misses what the guy does, but he hears the horse crying. The guy comes back in.
Guy: "Alright, where's my $1000 and two free beers?"
Barkeeper: "What did you say to make the horse laugh?"
Guy : "I told him I have a bigger penis than him."
Barkeeper: "What did you do to make him cry?"
Guy: "I showed him."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on February 05, 2007, 08:52:44 AM
Wow I haven't heard a joke like that in FOREVER... talk about old school iwmc!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Red Paradox on February 05, 2007, 10:01:34 AM
LOL that was funny as hell ^_^
Here's one
7 kinds of sex
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “screw you”.
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex
This is when you cannot stand your wife anymore. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex
You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Apprentice on February 05, 2007, 10:19:25 AM
yea that wasn't all that funny mainly because it like facts or life not always but mostly
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: ~*Ashiee*~ on February 05, 2007, 01:43:48 PM
OK Hope noone wrote this before, I got it on e-mail:
A woman walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her. Extremely embarrassed, she
looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, I'm afraid I can't say.... If you farted just touching it... you're going to s**t when you hear the price."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Arcmanov on February 05, 2007, 01:53:19 PM
LOVFL !!! *_*
Certainly made MY day.....
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on February 05, 2007, 02:26:22 PM
LOL THAT WAS DREAD
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: ~*Ashiee*~ on February 05, 2007, 03:03:09 PM
glad u enjoyed it
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on February 05, 2007, 03:12:43 PM
LMAO!!! good one.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: ~*Ashiee*~ on February 05, 2007, 03:32:31 PM
I also thought this was funny as hell is actually how they speak believe it or not:
>>Jamaican vs Hamerican Henglish=20 >> >>USA: It's been a long time since I have seen you girl... >>.JAM: Gyal, you noh dead yet? >> >>USA: Oh Lord, we have lost electricity again. >>JAM: Lawd Gad... current lock awff again to rahtid! >> >>USA: This meal is not too bad >>JAM: Di food cyan eat >> >>USA: Where did you buy that awful bracelet Cindy? >>JAM: A weh yuh buy dat-deh big ole ugly bangle deh missis? >> >>USA: Hors d'oeurves? >>JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting yuh a gi me? >> >>USA: Here kitty kitty... get down from the roof >>JAM: Hey dutty puss...come awff a di housetap before a buss >>yuhrass! >> >>USA: I think something is wrong with Susan. She might have the flu. >>JAM: Lawd Gad... obiya tek up Suzie! >> >>USA: Oh my God, I just broke mom's expensive plate! >>JAM: Lawd mi Gad, mi bruk up mamma stoosh crackry! >> >>USA: Aren't those pants a bit short? >>JAM: Yuh did expek flood or yuh tek yuh mezament inna wata? >> >>USA: Why are you squeezing the mangoes like that? >>JAM: Lissen to mi nuh, mi a beg yuh stap fingle-fingle up di mango >>dem. >> >>USA: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that. >>JAM: Aye, buff-teet bwoy, tap fling up, fling-up mi bag dem suh >>man. >> >>USA: I wish you would quit lying. >>JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad. >> >>USA: Lift up the hood of the car for me John. >>JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta! >> >>USA: I am waiting for a taxi and it's taking so long!! >>JAM: But wait, no robot naah run todeh >> >>USA: Get me a pop please? >>JAM: Beg yuh carry wan drinks fi mi deh.. >> >>USA: It's time for a Perm. >>JAM: Gyal, yuh hed waan cream. Yuh noh si how it tough? >> >>USA: Yuck! This is nasty! >>JAM: Kiss mi neckback!! What a sinting tase bad an incipid!! >> >>USA: I wish you would close your mouth. >>JAM: Yuh mout come in like when grip cyan shut. >> >>USA: Girl, your acne is terrible >>JAM: Massagad, pickeny, yuh face bumpy-bumpy an fayva grayta eeh.. >> >>USA: Please make some room on the bus so this man can have a seat. >>JAM: Schoolas, small up unnu self man mek daddy siddung. >> >>USA: I have a stomach ache. >>JAM: Mi belly ah gripe mi. >> >>USA: These mangoes look a bit over-ripe. >>JAM: Missis, move fran in front ah mi wid dem fluxy mango deh. >> >>USA: He has very large, full eyes. >>JAM: Wat ah bway fayva patoo >> >>USA: He has no manners. >>JAM: Him no have no broughupsi >> >>USA: Perspiration odour >>JAM: Him smell green >> >>USA: Poached (boiled) chicken >>JAM: Dat deh singtin nuh start cook yet
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on February 06, 2007, 08:41:27 AM
BRILLIANCE OR BS A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Chihuahua along for company. One day, the Chihuahua starts chasing butterflies and before long the Chihuahua discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The Chihuahua thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the Chihuahua exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. Wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That Chihuahua nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the Chihuahua saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the Chihuahua sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and just when they get close enough to hear, the Chihuahuasays... "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on February 06, 2007, 08:42:53 AM
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: . . You got Male!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on February 06, 2007, 08:50:37 AM
The facts of life, explained in Internet-ese. Good one, W1ntry.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Netizen1 on February 06, 2007, 10:07:18 AM
LOL @ that last one from W1nTry...
wish I could mold you some chakura for that...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on February 06, 2007, 11:03:36 AM
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on February 06, 2007, 11:12:11 AM
score 1 for blondes dread... LMAO!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on February 06, 2007, 01:48:26 PM
.........whey i and all get take.....LOL good one
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Apprentice on February 06, 2007, 02:37:00 PM
she jus win $45 daz all..pfft..was aight buh i din laugh
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on February 06, 2007, 02:40:30 PM
We can see math is not one of your stronger subjects :p
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: ~*Ashiee*~ on February 06, 2007, 02:56:40 PM
Two lions broke loose in the zoo and were eating a clown. One lion said to the other ... "Does this taste funny to you?"
LOL AHAHA short and old but still good
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on February 08, 2007, 12:08:14 PM
A 17 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy test. The test is positive. Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother and tells them:
Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her two retail stores, a warehouse, a beach-front villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
"He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However..., if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You f*%k her again..."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on February 08, 2007, 01:03:48 PM
I saw that coming LMAO!!!
In advance, no offense to any barbados nationals in the forum...
4 men went for an interview for a job opening: A British, an American, Bajan (I hope thats how its spelt) and a Trini. Interviewer: "Tell me what is the fastest thing on earth" Englishman: "Well sir, a blink is the fastest thing on earth, cause sometimes you don't even realize it but you blink, like the saying in the blink of an eye" Interviewer: "Hmm I never thought about that, great answer" *scribbles down notes by the englishmans name* Bajan: "Well I say THOUGHT is the fastest thing of earth, because sometimes you're not even concentrating on something and a thought pops into your head, thought must be the fastest!" Interview: "That's a great answer! I never even 'THOUGHT' about that!" *scribbles down something next to the Bajans name* American: "Well I recon electricity is the fastest thing on earth, cause on my ranch back in texas when I flip the switch when the sun goes down, the whole fence lights up and thats pretty darn far, so electricty gotta be the fastest!" Interviewer: "Yet another brilliant response!" *scribbles down notes next to americans name* Trini: *thinks how he gonna best the others....* "I have it!" Interviewer: "Well what is it?" Trini: "A diarrhoea!" Interviewer: "What? how can a diarrhoea possibly be the fastest thing on earth?" Trini: "Well yuh see, I eat a doubles yesterday morning and when I was goin to sleep meh stomach start to gripe" Interviewer: "AND?" Trini: "AND... before I could blink, think or put on the light switch...... :)"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on February 08, 2007, 01:14:10 PM
YEARS later, after the Vietnam war the same 4 men above coming home on a 4 prop airplane to retire after about 2 hrs into the flight over the atlantic, 1 propellar fails... Pilot: "Sorry gentlemen, but we have some bad news, we've lost an engine... but there is some good news, we can still make it home if 1 of you jumps...unfortunately there are no paracheuts so you will definitely die" Englishman: "Well, i've lived a good life and the gentlemanly thing to do is to take my leave, FOR THE QUEEN" *Englishman falls to his death... 1 hr later another engine dies... Pilot: "I must apologize, but we seem to have lost a 2nd engine... the good news is we can still make it... but as last time 1 of you must jump..." American: "I have never feared dying for my comrades, FOR THE RED WHITE AND BLUE!" *American leaps to his demise* 4 hrs later with 15 mins left to touchdown yet another engine fails.... Pilot: "Well by now you know the drill, we got 1 engine left and we can make it on 1, but 1 of you have got to go...." *Trini and Bajan both get up and eye each other sternly* Trini: "Ah well... when its ur time, is yuh time, FOR TRINIDAD" *Pushes the Bajan out the plane*
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on February 08, 2007, 01:38:19 PM
LOL W1ntry...good one..
This is Trinidad for you... A man walked into KFC and "passed out" on the floor. People gathered around to help him by fanning and doing everything they could to help him regain consciousness. Someone peeled an orange and started squeezing the juice into his mouth, whereupon the man suddenly came back to life, pushed the person away and yelled, "if ah did want orange, ah woulda fall down in de market."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on February 09, 2007, 04:27:27 PM
LOL i like that one
check this, yuh need to click filexoom giveing trouble again... (http://filexoom.com/files/45043/Images/chris_thumb.jpg) (http://filexoom.com/files/view/45043/Images/chris.jpg) Isn't he a beeeeeeauty...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on February 10, 2007, 08:18:33 PM
A Jamaican and his wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue,
and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the
road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The Jamaican explodes and demands to know why the
charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly
aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the Jamaican insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears,
listens to the Jamaican, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic- sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the
Jamaican and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them", the Jamaican complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. The Manager goes on to
explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las
Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the Jamaican again. "Well, we have them, and you
could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the Jamaican replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is
unmoved, and eventually the Jamaican gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised
when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says Jamaican. "I charged you $250 for
sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the Jamaican replies, "she was here, and you could have!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on February 10, 2007, 08:25:03 PM
Long time ago this man went to war and lost one of his testicles. So when he returned to the village everyone was calling him “one stone”. He,
after a long period of teasing, swore that the next time anyone call him that he’s kill them. Years passed and one day Yellow bird saw him and
was like, “ aye one stone ”..on hearing this he got really angry . He carried her into the forest and made love to her over and over until she
eventually died. Months later he saw her sister blue bird and she was like,”aye one stone ”…he got furious ,took her into the forest and made
love to her over and over…days passed. He was baffles and asked her, “family what going on ” and she said , “ boy like you don’t know , you
cant kill two birds with one stone ”
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on February 12, 2007, 10:04:16 AM
Chakra for YOU!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on February 12, 2007, 10:10:57 AM
weyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy HAHAHAHA
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on February 12, 2007, 01:30:20 PM
LOL @ The_Unknown..
-Shupid Guyanese A Trini guy, a Guyanese man, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and .. it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The old woman, beautiful girl and the Trini guy are sitting there looking perplexed. The Guyanese is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap. 1. The old woman is thinking : That Guyanese guy must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped. The Guyanese is thinking : "Damn it,that Trini guy must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl, she thought it was me and slapped me instead." The beautiful girl is thinking : "That Guyanese must have moved to kiss me,but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped." The Trini is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Guyanese again. (no offence to Guyanese members)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jarrox on February 12, 2007, 02:17:41 PM
lol i like that one
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on February 12, 2007, 08:47:37 PM
I was messing around in google images and i came across this... lol (http://img115.imageshack.us/img115/3390/smeagolmx1.th.jpg) (http://img115.imageshack.us/my.php?image=smeagolmx1.jpg) -click on the thumbnail and read...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on February 12, 2007, 08:59:25 PM
LOL at Shupid Guyanese
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on February 12, 2007, 09:41:52 PM
Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off, so she invited him back to her place. When they arrived at her house, they went right for the bedroom.
Randy noticed hundreds of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room. Giant stuffed animals sat on top of the wardrobe. Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom shelf of her bookcase.
After they had sex, Randy turned to her and said, "So ... how was I?" "Well," Gwen said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: daniboy79 on February 13, 2007, 05:19:36 PM
A gas station in West Virginia was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign reading, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his 'free sex'.
The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged-----my wife won twice last week!"
...Steups :huh:
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on February 13, 2007, 07:23:03 PM
LOL @ daniboy79 & The_Unknown
-The Cow and Pig Dilema Why married? Why Buy the Cow. for all men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. Here is an update for you. Nowadays, 80% of Women are against marriage why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire, Pig" just to get a little sausage.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on February 13, 2007, 07:37:13 PM
-The Cow and Pig Dilema Why married? Why Buy the Cow. for all men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. Here is an update for you. Nowadays, 80% of Women are against marriage why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire, Pig" just to get a little sausage.
Some will argue that there's nothing little about our sausage, as it will be in abundance, hence the need to buy the entire pig.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on February 13, 2007, 07:40:08 PM
-The Cow and Pig Dilema Why married? Why Buy the Cow. for all men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. Here is an update for you. Nowadays, 80% of Women are against marriage why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire, Pig" just to get a little sausage.
Some will argue that there's nothing little about our sausage, as it will be in abundance, hence the need to buy the entire pig.
LMAO.... you like sh1t eh
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on February 13, 2007, 07:43:59 PM
^_^
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on February 13, 2007, 09:05:34 PM
Dyslexic peoples of the world! - Untie!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on February 13, 2007, 11:48:04 PM
hhhahahahaah
clever
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on February 16, 2007, 06:10:08 PM
Little Leroy From Laventille
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1: Dear God: I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Yo' boy, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2: Dear God: This is yo' boy, Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3: Dear God: I have been an A'ight boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Leroy
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.
LETTER 4: Dear God: I know I haven't been a good boy at all this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank's, Leroy
Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.
By now, Leroy was very upset. He went to the kitchen and told his mother he wanted to go to the church. His mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Leroy walked down the hill until he got to the cathedral and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the cathedral, down the street, into a "PH Taxi" and straight home, and into his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 5:
AH HAVE YUH MUDDA. IF YUH WANT TUH SEE SHE AGAIN, SEND DE BIKE. FROM: YUH KNOW WHO_ :angry:_____________________________________________________________________
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on February 17, 2007, 12:34:07 PM
THAT REL BAD LOL
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on February 17, 2007, 11:22:31 PM
LOL, true trini style dey
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on February 18, 2007, 12:41:20 AM
LOL
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on February 18, 2007, 10:19:02 AM
http://www.sheezyart.com/view/1088361/
poor hinata watch the flash...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on February 25, 2007, 09:49:15 PM
Four retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to share aroom with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on February 25, 2007, 10:34:19 PM
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch d!ck, 3 pound left testicle, 4 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says,"I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch d!ck, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 4 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!... LMFAO
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on February 25, 2007, 10:36:27 PM
$hit, if was me, I buss it and find a next elevator or use the stairs.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Apprentice on February 25, 2007, 11:14:16 PM
lmao...u forget d elevator locked..wey u was goin was lvl....sigh...da wudda be sad...easy man like turner brown nuff respect the boss jus in case he read the post...*looks around*
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on February 26, 2007, 08:30:10 AM
Dat real bad LMAO chakra for you ST!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on February 26, 2007, 07:02:20 PM
oh my...........lol
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Apprentice on February 26, 2007, 08:15:42 PM
A MAN FROM "DEEP COUNTRY" WENT TO MONTEGO BAY AIRPORT,VERY HYSTERICAL, CARRYING HIS LUGGAGE, PASTPORT AND OTHER NECESSARY ITEMS FOR TRAVEL. HE ANXIOUSLY ASKED THE AGENT AT THE TICKET COUNTER,(WITH A THICK JAMAICAN ACCENT)"DO, SELL MI A TICKET TO JEOPARDY,MA'AM. THE AGENT LOOKED CONFUSED."JEOPARDY, SIR? WHERE IS THAT? THE MAN GOT EVEN MORE ANXIOUS& AGITATED."MI NO HA TIME FI FOOL. JUST SELL MI A TICKET TO JEOPERDY. THE AGENT LOOKED THROUGH HER MAP AND OTHER MATERIAL."SIR, THERE IS NO SUCH PLACE! ARE YOU SURE THAT'S WHERE YOU NEED TO TRAVEL TO? THE MAN LOST HIS TEMPER AND SLAMMED HIS FIST ON THE COUNTER. "LOOK OOOMAN.MI SEH MI NO HA TIME FI FOOL. MI HEAR PAN MI RADIO DIS MAWNING SEH 900 JOBS INNA JEOPERDY SO A DEH SO MI WAN FI GO NOW!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on February 26, 2007, 11:02:39 PM
Lmao @ Ap...
A gentleman was sitting in a cafe looking at his cup of tea,just then, a Macho man walks in,walks straight to his table, takes his tea and drinks it all. The gentle man bursts into tears.
Macho Man: Poor man. Just because I took your tea, you are crying. Chill, I will buy you more.
Gentle Man: That is not the point. You see, this morning I over slept, I failed to go and sign a contract with my business partner, and i got fired from my job.
Macho Man: So ?
Gentle Man: So I walked to the parking lot just to find that my car was stolen. I called a taxi and after paying the taxi driver, later found out that i left my wallet in the taxi, I took the steps cause the elevator is not working. That morning, I got home to find my lovely wife making love to my own friend. I decided to end it all when you showed up and drink my poison. The joke is entitled "WYAH DREADY WYAH" There were two rastas on a bike. The one at the front had two hands but had no sight while the one at the back had sight but no hands. Whenever the one at the back wanted to turn left he said "left dready left", if he wanted to turn right he would say "right dready right" , and if he wanted to speed up he would say "wyah dready wyah". So they were on the bike and they came up to a left corner and the dread at the back said "left dready left" and a smooth left turn was made.Then they came to right turn and he said "right dready right", but a light pole had fallen and the wire stretched across the road. Upon seeing this the dread yelled " WYAH DREADY WYAH"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on February 27, 2007, 01:03:30 AM
LMAO at wyah. Dat is some bad $hit.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on February 27, 2007, 08:36:06 PM
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on February 28, 2007, 08:25:21 PM
Little Johnny's neighbors had a new baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother brought the new baby home from the hospital, Little Johnny's family was invited over to see him.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word, "ears", he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Little Johnny looked into the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Little Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be sh!t outta luck if he needed glasses."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on February 28, 2007, 10:10:35 PM
LMAO @ lesson to be learnt from wrong typing. Chkra for you.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Apprentice on March 01, 2007, 09:33:18 PM
I'd rather have just clean jokes I'm OK with off-color jokes too
Think you can do better? Click here to submit your jokes.
>A TRUE PLAYA >> >>One evening, Mike went over to his friend, Terry`s, house to play >>cards >>with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry`s wife. Mike >>dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he >>looked >>across the table he saw that Terry`s wife had her legs wide open >>and >>no >>panties on. He sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to >>get >>a >>drink of water. To his surprise, Terry`s wife had followed him into >>the >>kitchen and said "Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes, I >>did!" >>Terry`s wife said "Well, you can get more than that but it will >>cost >>you >>£200." So Mike thought about his financial situation and said okay. >>She >>said "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work." >>Mike >>said "I`ll see you then." The next day Mike went over, they had >>sex, >>he >>paid her, then he left. Later Terry came home and asked "Has Mike >>been >>over here today?" Thinking she had been caught, she said "As a >>matter >>of >>fact, he did." >> >>Terry said "Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and >>asked to borrow £200 until this evening, and he said he would leave >>it >>with you." >> >> Now, that's a true playa!
Lol...lmao wen i saw this one
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on March 01, 2007, 11:18:31 PM
LMFAO!!!! Good one Ap ;)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on March 02, 2007, 08:21:29 AM
LMAO, good one!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on March 02, 2007, 08:40:33 AM
i had to control my self from bussin dong de place crying with laughter at the little johnny joke and the turner brown joke lol lol lol
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on March 02, 2007, 01:03:50 PM
I got weak when I read them myself @ Crixx lol
I got this one in an email... DONT LAUGH OUT LOUD!!!!!
Don't laugh" said the patient, Ed. "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said, "I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay, then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now then, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Ed replied.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on March 02, 2007, 02:57:34 PM
WOW THAT SUCKS LMAO!!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: BeoBear on March 02, 2007, 04:35:51 PM
I dont get it.....
(Lol kidding!! that FUNNNYYYYYYYYY)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Apprentice on March 02, 2007, 04:45:19 PM
Stewps try not to have my business in the road so nah..chups man..daz why i does not tell u nun u know..sigh..lol
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on March 02, 2007, 08:24:20 PM
Lol @ Ap... it's not the size of the 'hook', but it's how you wiggle the 'worm'! Yes, big 'pin' DOES bruise bad but yet small 'pin' DOES chook hard ^_^..anyways...
- A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most Romantic first line... but the least romantic second line.
Here are some of the entries they received... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother.
2. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life
3. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming
4. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, violets are dead, sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
5. Oh loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face
6. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - d**n, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way
10. My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe "go to hell"
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime
Sexie-Toy: LOL i think i should make this a post- but other gatters might diss the host! ^_^
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on March 02, 2007, 08:52:51 PM
A redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The redneck is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back and says, "This chain saw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took all damn day!"
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the puzzled redneck says, "Heck, what's that noise?"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on March 07, 2007, 09:01:36 AM
1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other. 2.Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test. 3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master 4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage 5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either". 6.Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. 7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. 8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power .. 9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage. 10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on. 11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before. 12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read. 13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight. 14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. 15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. 16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. 17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. 18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes. 19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions. 20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead. 21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. 22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river. 23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am notinjured yet." 24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY. 25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. 26. Father : A banker provided by nature. 27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught. 28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. 29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after. 30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills. 31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails......
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on March 07, 2007, 01:47:18 PM
http://www.2spare.com/item_66642.aspx
http://www.2spare.com/item_65657.aspx
ahahha omfg lawllzzzzz america's funniest law suits as well!! ahahahha america is de worst!! ahhaahah america's funniest lawz
this is a complete wdmc thread type deal lawl lawl
putting salt on a train track is punishable by death in alabama hahahaha wtf???
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on March 07, 2007, 08:31:37 PM
LOL @ W1n...
- The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on March 07, 2007, 09:49:53 PM
Bad Bathroom Experience Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.
As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.
Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your 'shlong'?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on March 07, 2007, 10:25:57 PM
Chakra IYMC!!!!
that is ah good one :D
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on March 08, 2007, 11:04:17 PM
Thanks for the chakra WASD ^_^
-A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is?
I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"
"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Netizen1 on March 09, 2007, 06:32:35 AM
That joke real high oui!
LOL @ not wanting to eat what came out of it's mouth but wanting scrambled eggs...
that's a seriously high one fuh real... ^_^
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on March 09, 2007, 09:46:10 AM
A zookeeper was making his rounds in the zoo, when he noticed that the gorilla exhibit was completely empty. He then decided, "Hm. Looks like we need to get some new gorillas." He travelled to Africa, and hired a troupe to help him hunt down some gorillas, consisting of a native, a dog and a gunman.
The group travelled deep in the jungle, when the zookeeper asked the native: "So....talk to me. Just how do you guys hunt gorillas?"
The native turned around. "Ah.....I am so glad you asked that, my friend. Come, I will show you."
The native led the group to a tall tree. He then climbed up the tree. Putting his finger to his lips, he went "Blblblblblblblblblbl". Sure enough, a gorilla appears, going "Blblblblblblblblbl". The native then bops the gorilla on the nose, and the gorilla falls down the tree. The dog then rushed the gorilla, clamped down on its testicles hard with its teeth until it turned blue in the face, thrashed it around a bit, and flung it in the back of the truck.
The zookeeper was astonished. "Wow. We've hardly been in this jungle for an hour, and we've already found a gorilla. These guys are good."
The native then went up to another tree, and did the same thing. He climbed up, went "Blblblblblblblblbl", and a gorilla came down, going "Blblblblblblblblbl", then he bopped it on the nose, it fell down, the dog rushed it and bit down on its testicles until it turned blue in the face, and flung it in the back of the truck.
The zookeeper truly was impressed. "Two gorillas in two hours! MAN, these guys are good."
He was, however, a bit curious. In all of this, it seemed, the gunman had absolutely nothing to do with how the native captured gorillas. So, he tapped the native on the shoulder.
"I must say that I'm rather impressed with the way you guys capture gorillas."
The native smiled. "Thanks."
"But, tell me something. It doesn't seem like that gunman does anything. Couldn't I just pay for you and the dog?"
The native looked at him. "When you came here, the deal was to take us all as a group, right?"
Yes....I...I guess so."
The native then told him. "Don't worry. He's a very important part of the group."
The native then found another tall tree. He climbed it and went "Blblblblblblblblbl!!" A rather ticked off gorilla leapt from the tree, went "Blblblblblblblblbl!!", bopped the native on the nose, and sent the poor man falling down off of the tree.
A policeman was making his rounds in Woodford Square, when he ran across a man tossing white powder all over the place. He then went up to the man and asked:
"Excuse me...sir, what yuh doing?"
The man stopped what he was doing and turned to him.
"Oh...sorry officah. Ah was just dusting the place with this bag of gorilla powder."
The policeman looked baffled.
"Gorilla powder?"
The man answered: " Yeah. It supposed to keep gorillas away."
The policeman steups. "Sir, yuh gone mad or wha? It ent have no gorillas in Port of Spain!"
The man smiled. "... see how well it wuking?"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on March 09, 2007, 10:33:55 AM
LOL yea NEO GOOD TWO
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on March 09, 2007, 12:55:04 PM
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!!," Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my god!!," Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, uh......equipment?". "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??," Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted !!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on March 09, 2007, 01:09:52 PM
LOL
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on March 09, 2007, 03:01:41 PM
steups
how dah man go be spreading the story of my life on de net so.. steups
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Apprentice on March 10, 2007, 09:31:07 AM
lol @ crixx...i aint know why he wanna expose yuh business nah...tsk tsk
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Arcmanov on March 12, 2007, 03:09:44 PM
15 Year Old with big titties
Can't show the thumbnail, for obvious reasons...... -_-
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Synchronomyst on March 12, 2007, 05:38:05 PM
This topic is made out of pure unadulterated win.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Synchronomyst on March 12, 2007, 06:13:22 PM
A guy goes to the doctor with a strange complaint. He tells the doctor, "Doc, I can't stop singing that song 'What's New Pussycat?'"
The doctor says, "Hmm, it sounds like you have the early stages of Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Wow, doc, is that rare?"
"Well, it's not unusual."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Arcmanov on March 12, 2007, 06:20:20 PM
^_^
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on March 12, 2007, 06:51:10 PM
am i missing something?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: BeoBear on March 12, 2007, 07:18:33 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
thats so dumb its funny... skeet skeet skeet...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on March 12, 2007, 07:57:57 PM
Moved to the Just a Joke thread.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on March 20, 2007, 08:14:50 AM
A virgin's worst nightmare
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on March 20, 2007, 08:20:11 AM
A few from the Irish:
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little sh*t, O'Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on March 20, 2007, 08:34:10 AM
LOL ah like that lastone :D
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on March 20, 2007, 06:11:40 PM
LOL @ W1n..chakra for you ^_^
-For all Naruto fans XD- Lemme see you walk it out!! *walkin' it out* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSG0mRmOVV4
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on March 22, 2007, 10:29:12 AM
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on >>this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Where'd you get the sh*tty Hairdo?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on March 22, 2007, 12:00:54 PM
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit....
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Oh thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?"
The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on March 24, 2007, 11:06:25 PM
A woman went to her boyfriends parents house for Christmas Dinner. This was her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman began to feel a little discomfort. Thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains were almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decided to relieve herself a bit and let out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boy-friends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!" The woman thought, this is great and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer "rrriiippp" The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. And once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she $hits on you!" :angry: 8 Things I Hate What People Say And Do
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their a$$ to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their a$$es!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $30 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When they say something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumba$$?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on March 27, 2007, 11:55:49 AM
Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, "There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and I don't want you to look in it until I die."
Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash.
When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, "Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you."
Hillary said, "Well, that's not bad after all these years and you being a politician and traveling and all."
She was about to leave, but then she said, "Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?"
Bill replied, "That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TheApprentice on March 29, 2007, 12:21:29 AM
http://www.secretsites.de/joblog/?p=281
:D
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on March 29, 2007, 10:52:55 AM
shouldn't that have a NSFW on it?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on March 29, 2007, 12:21:09 PM
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians."
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their @$$ and head are interchangeable".
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on April 09, 2007, 12:45:57 PM
Well I thought I knew all the "Chuck Norris Facts" but here are a few recent ones that got my rolling on the floor.
Without further adieu.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris CAN touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it
In a recent survey it was discovered that 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told
The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Arcmanov on April 09, 2007, 04:49:15 PM
lol @ 'kick through all 6 degrees of separation'.
Priceless.......
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on April 09, 2007, 07:49:17 PM
yeah that one was especially rich.
Got the most kicks out of the 8x10 sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
lol
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on April 09, 2007, 10:54:43 PM
me likes that one, chakra 2 u :icon_pirat: arrrr
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on April 10, 2007, 02:13:39 PM
I Could Use A Little Money Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply �an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on April 10, 2007, 02:29:11 PM
The Queen, The Pope The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration. The crowd is huge. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry -- both being figureheads and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" he doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice -- they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants."
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so... "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on April 10, 2007, 02:34:05 PM
A blonde goes into the local auto parts store and asks for a seven ten cap.
All the guys look at each other and say, "What's a seven ten cap?"
She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on?" they ask, thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says it's a Buick. "Okay lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3-1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" they ask.
She says, "I don't know, but it has always been there."
One of the guys gives her a notepad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3-1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.
The guys behind the counter look at it upside down as she writes it... and they just fall down behind the counter laughing hysterically.
(Draw a circle, write 710 in the middle of it, and turn it around.)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on April 10, 2007, 02:47:48 PM
Harry Potter Wand/Wang Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book Let's see the results...
"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything
A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.
"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "
Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls
"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"
The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.
He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.
He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.
Ok I have found, definitive proof that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
O_______O
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang
Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.
'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on April 10, 2007, 02:50:22 PM
Don’t step on ducks!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest old man she ever saw. St.
Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, young, very tall and muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” The man says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on April 11, 2007, 09:46:34 AM
CHAKRA FOR YOU!!!!!!! shame I can't give all at once... you'd have gotten 1 for each joke!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on April 12, 2007, 11:41:20 AM
Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.
"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."
"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"
"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"
"Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.
"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"
"Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.
Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"
"Benny!" says Ned, "Let's go!"
When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.
"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says,
"Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."
"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"
"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on April 12, 2007, 12:01:18 PM
LOL chakra for that one
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on April 12, 2007, 03:18:53 PM
hahahhahahahahahhaha :lol:
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on April 12, 2007, 04:39:16 PM
ROFL... i didn't see that one coming
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on April 12, 2007, 09:41:49 PM
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on April 14, 2007, 02:19:46 PM
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.'' "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on April 15, 2007, 10:53:10 PM
one for the linux men, nix and it's dirt commands, use your imagination...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on April 16, 2007, 07:57:30 PM
Nice one lillith. Welcome to GATT btw
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: ravenite on April 16, 2007, 11:05:22 PM
and went to the Doctor to find out some not so good news...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: ravenite on April 17, 2007, 06:56:05 PM
Hello dear, I found this diskette that you were so frantically looking for
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on April 17, 2007, 08:01:52 PM
hahhaha @ kermit
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on April 17, 2007, 08:39:36 PM
The Nun and Hooters
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on April 18, 2007, 08:54:23 AM
LMAO @ Hooters AND Perez!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on April 18, 2007, 02:51:24 PM
Taking a woman to bed
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on April 20, 2007, 09:36:30 AM
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on April 20, 2007, 02:32:37 PM
Chinese tortures
A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on April 20, 2007, 03:21:51 PM
Chakra chakra
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Netizen1 on April 20, 2007, 06:42:43 PM
Snake Bite
"I hope I'm not poisonous," said the first snake.
"Why?" asked the second.
"Because I just bit my lip."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on April 20, 2007, 11:15:17 PM
The Pope
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'." God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on April 22, 2007, 11:48:12 PM
Chakra!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on April 22, 2007, 11:57:14 PM
A 70-year-old man and God
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?'' And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.'' Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?'' And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''
Really No Comparison
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... ''Try doing it with the engine running."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on April 23, 2007, 09:38:17 AM
One night a father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying: 'God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and *goodbye* Grandpa.' ’A why yuh say *good-bye* Grandpa fa?' the father asked. 'Mi noh know, ' the little girl said. The next day, Grandpa died. The man thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later, he put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and *good-bye* Grandma.' The next day, the grandmother died! Rahtid, thought the man, dis yah pickney can see inna de future.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the man heard her say 'God bless Mommy and *good-bye* Daddy.' The man practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous all day. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so he stayed until the end of the day, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said 'Yuh neva come 'ome dis late before, wha 'appen?' 'Mi no waan talk 'bout it,' he said. 'Mi jus 'ave de worst day a mi life.' 'Yuh tink yuh had a bad day?' the wife exclaimed. 'You'll neva believe wha happen'. Dis mahnin', Desmond next door, drapped dead pan de varandah.'
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on April 23, 2007, 02:31:00 PM
some prob saw this already but (http://img411.imageshack.us/img411/2724/darthvaderns1.th.jpg) (http://img411.imageshack.us/my.php?image=darthvaderns1.jpg)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on April 23, 2007, 03:42:34 PM
-Shupid Guyanese A Trini guy, a Guyanese man, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and .. it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The old woman, beautiful girl and the Trini guy are sitting there looking perplexed. The Guyanese is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap. 1. The old woman is thinking : That Guyanese guy must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped. The Guyanese is thinking : "Damn it,that Trini guy must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl, she thought it was me and slapped me instead." The beautiful girl is thinking : "That Guyanese must have moved to kiss me,but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped." The Trini is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Guyanese again. (no offence to Guyanese members)
ahahahhaah i am so literally in tears right now ahaha i cyah stop laffin an my boss go real fire me if i keep it up
buh dis realllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll funny lol lol lol i could almost see my self slappin ah bajan so
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Netizen1 on April 23, 2007, 11:36:40 PM
A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.
Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: SeXiE_ToY on April 24, 2007, 10:03:19 PM
Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.
"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.
"And why not?" asked Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?"
Stan said nothing.
The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."
Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're SURE you want a nephew?"
"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor!"
"Well congratulations, you're holding him!" A rugged cowboy :cowboy: from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?" :shakehead:
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 25 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your @$$ is for." :pottytrain5:
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: vivman1107 on April 26, 2007, 10:01:48 AM
A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level. "Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die." "OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level." "Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die." "Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level." "Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood. "All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me." "Oh, no, I can't do that." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on April 27, 2007, 10:51:26 AM
Airline Cabin Announcements I
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight a announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Mickey on April 28, 2007, 07:57:19 PM
Lol Horse that real sonuds like a TRINI
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on April 30, 2007, 05:46:39 PM
Caution - Beware of staleness.
Born a Baptist
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic." Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on April 30, 2007, 10:04:46 PM
Chakra FOR YOU!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on April 30, 2007, 10:20:26 PM
Thank You Very Much
It's much appreciated.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on April 30, 2007, 10:39:56 PM
bawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on April 30, 2007, 10:44:10 PM
I cah believe I buss a joke crixx like lol
Now i scared to make anymore and put it. ---- I mite lose chakra lol
:awesome: :banana:
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on May 01, 2007, 10:36:34 AM
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last ..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on May 01, 2007, 10:46:26 AM
Chakra THAT REALLLLLLL BAD lol
Reasons Why Women Are Like Soccer Pitches
1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play. 2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald. 3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends, but one end per 45 minutes is favourable. 4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner. 5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground. 6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities. 7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley,also,never mention pitches previously visited. 8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings. 9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner. 10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back. 11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles. 12. Always tread carefully when leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. 13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies. 14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches. 15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie. 16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy. 17. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes. 18. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches. 19. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week
(NO OFFENCE TO ANY FEMALES WHAT SO EVER)
A woman's electronic hair Dryer
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!" *
Three vampires
Three vampires walk into a bar and order drinks. The first vampire asks for blood. The second vampire asks for blood. The third vampire asks for some hot water. The bartender is baffled. "Why don't you want blood like everyone else?" "Because," says the third vampire, pulling out a USED tampon, "I'm making tea."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on May 01, 2007, 11:05:52 AM
Quote
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
LOL AHAHAH
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on May 01, 2007, 09:39:42 PM
Err... who delete my post? inspite of the change... wdmc???
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on May 01, 2007, 10:10:13 PM
Political Science for Dummies
DEMOCRATIC You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
The Romantic Husband
Husband and wife in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder. She:"Oh that feels good." His hand moves to her breast. She: "Gee, honey that feels wonderful." His hand moves to her leg. She: "Oh, honey, don't stop." But he stops. She: "Why did you stop?" He:"I found the remote."
Wedding ring
Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your mistress find out you're married. 2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis. 3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: BeoBear on May 02, 2007, 09:36:09 AM
hahah the french and german styles are the best.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on May 02, 2007, 11:47:39 PM
Two little old ladies
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!" "You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"
Getting old
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on May 04, 2007, 05:05:13 PM
Please just see the joke in it
Mr. Panday was dying. He sent a message for Mr. Galbaransingh and Mr. Kuei Tung to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, Mr. Panday held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. He grasped their hands,sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both Kuei Tung and Galbaransingh were touched and flattered that Mr. Panday would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
Then Mr. Panday explained that he had given his life to Jesus. They were happy to hear this. They were also puzzled why Mr. Panday had called them to give them this news while he was at his last moments.
Finally, Galbaransingh asked, "Panday, why did you ask the two of us to come?" The old man Panday mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on May 10, 2007, 02:32:40 AM
In a Vacuum
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Car Trouble
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Happy and Sad
A man says to his wife "Say something to me that will make me both happy and sad at the same time" the wife replies "You have a much bigger dick than your brother".
Two old men
Two old men were sitting in a bar. One said to the other, "if I die first I want you to pour a 5th of whiskey on my grave every year on my birthday?" The other said, "do you mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on May 10, 2007, 06:17:52 AM
I was watching an episode of Family Guy last night and it had this piece of dialouge in it...
Gillian (Brian's blonde girlfriend): How do I know if I'm Jewish? Brian: Are you Jewish? Gillian: No Brian: There you go sport Gillian: Thank you!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Synchronomyst on May 13, 2007, 06:59:53 PM
So a bear walks into a bar...
The bartender asks the bear, "What''ll you have?"
The bear responds, "I'll have a rum...
...
...
...
...and coke."
Bartender asks, "Why the pause?"
The bear then shrugs and responds casually, "I dunno, I was born with them."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on May 16, 2007, 01:37:39 PM
Too Hot
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on May 16, 2007, 01:42:45 PM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Car Trouble
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Happy and Sad
A man says to his wife "Say something to me that will make me both happy and sad at the same time" the wife replies "You have a much bigger dick than your brother".
Two old men
Two old men were sitting in a bar. One said to the other, "if I die first I want you to pour a 5th of whiskey on my grave every year on my birthday?" The other said, "do you mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"
bmws dont have carburettors :(
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on May 16, 2007, 01:46:31 PM
Are you serious? :ko:
I did not know that at all........gotta check it out,,,,,,,well if it mess up the joke sorry...just imagine its something a BMW does have,
You know what forget the joke on the whole....it's not even that funny anyhow.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on May 16, 2007, 01:54:33 PM
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last ..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget
omfg i couldnt breathe lollolololol i was holding back laffing so much ,tears was streaming down my face
and when i thought i could hold it back i read de lass one, lolz my boss real screwin right now lol
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on May 16, 2007, 01:55:40 PM
I did not know that at all........gotta check it out,,,,,,,well if it mess up the joke sorry...just imagine its something a BMW does have,
You know what forget the joke on the whole....it's not even that funny anyhow.
Doh worry, i'm sure they had it once upon a time. No need to think yuh joke spoilt.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: byakuya on May 20, 2007, 01:15:30 AM
A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir." "Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one." "That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the sh1t house door off a tuna boat!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: byakuya on May 20, 2007, 01:30:27 AM
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: byakuya on May 20, 2007, 01:50:40 AM
The Way To Heaven
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God,I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The nun fainted
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on May 22, 2007, 10:00:22 PM
LMAO @ last one.........Byakuya lol.....yuh boss
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on May 23, 2007, 10:40:23 PM
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified? Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Synchronomyst on May 24, 2007, 07:14:12 AM
A girl walks into a convenience store and buys toothpaste, soap and a hat.
Then a guy looks over at her, walks over and says "You must be single."
The girl looks at the items she's buying and asks "How did you know?"
"Cause you're ugly."
:awesome:
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on May 25, 2007, 09:51:49 PM
25 Reasons I Owe my mother or dad
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mot her taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10 My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: UltimateGamer on May 25, 2007, 10:35:38 PM
GR8 post CMR, I'm still laughing
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on May 28, 2007, 09:41:15 AM
Yeah, yuh get chakra for dat one!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on May 28, 2007, 06:57:19 PM
YAY chakra for meee YAYAYAYA
THANK YOU pplz I really APPRECIATE it. :awesome: :banana: :happy0203:
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on May 28, 2007, 07:00:23 PM
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
ahahha /saves for when i have kids lol lol lozlzz
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on May 29, 2007, 08:23:11 AM
lawll *snickers*
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on May 29, 2007, 08:26:17 AM
WAYS, yuh definitely get chakra for those lillith!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on May 31, 2007, 08:12:04 AM
Installing Husband 1.0
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, Nascar 2.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do? Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on May 31, 2007, 08:16:30 AM
Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy
1. A day without sunshine is like night. 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 14. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines 19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? 20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?" 22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on May 31, 2007, 08:34:05 AM
Blondeback Mountain...
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, despite having had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately for the blonde, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. Her head is battered against the ground, mere moments away from unconsciousness when... Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
Blonde Logic
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"
A lady walks into a BMW dealership
A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
Lesbian frog
What did the one lesbian frog tell the other lesbian frog?
IT TRUE!!! - we do taste like chicken
Her side of the story
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???
His side of the story
My team lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on May 31, 2007, 08:38:46 AM
Chakra for you dread...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on May 31, 2007, 09:33:58 AM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on June 03, 2007, 08:22:17 PM
8 months pregnant
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I >could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
A Green Spot
A woman goes to her doctor's office,to discuss a strange development. She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots. The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?" The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?" "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
Giving Birth
A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies. "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black." "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in an adult movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!" "What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on June 04, 2007, 10:20:20 AM
Oh F^&( at that last one... LOL!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on June 11, 2007, 10:31:04 AM
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband. "It is 3 o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push!" "Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!" His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself!" The man reluctantly gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello. Are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk :awesome:
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on June 11, 2007, 02:57:22 PM
One for the guys: (http://img511.imageshack.us/img511/7585/cadtl7.th.jpg) (http://img511.imageshack.us/my.php?image=cadtl7.jpg)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on June 11, 2007, 03:10:32 PM
Nice one with the swing................ LOVE the pic..chakra........where can i get one? (for my gf nut me lol)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on June 11, 2007, 05:45:32 PM
Man. That's one BSOD I'm actually looking forward to seeing.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on June 18, 2007, 08:29:31 AM
I've read that one more than once before, still funny though
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Netizen1 on June 28, 2007, 08:34:18 AM
A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotch-less underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotch-less undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
"Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on June 28, 2007, 09:42:46 AM
CHAKRA FOR DAT ONE!!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on June 28, 2007, 01:44:34 PM
Wants a raise.......
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labor. 2. I work at great depths. 3. I plunge head first into everything I do. 4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. 5. I work in a damp environment. 6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation. 7. I work in high temperatures. 8. My work exposes me to diseases.
Sincerely, The Penis
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight. 2. You work in short spurts and fall asleep after each brief work period. 3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. 4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations. 5. You do not take the initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. 6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. 7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. 8. You will retire long before you are 65. 9. You are unable to work double shifts. 10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. 11. You have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on July 02, 2007, 06:21:48 PM
hahahhahah @ penis entering and leaving the workplace with 2 suspicious loking bags. Chakra!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on July 03, 2007, 09:22:29 PM
Option i would like to see :D
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on July 05, 2007, 07:48:25 AM
hahahhahah @ penis entering and leaving the workplace with 2 suspicious loking bags. Chakra!!
LOL!!!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a Kirby Vacuum Cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in High-Powered Kirby Vacuum Cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money.
"I'm broke!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as flash , the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty " he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration". With that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet. "If this Kirby vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet , Madam , I will personally eat the remainder. " The old lady stepped back and said.....
"Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand ? "
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on July 05, 2007, 09:05:01 AM
chkra for u....twas funny
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on July 06, 2007, 02:36:06 PM
An American golfer An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life." A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods; and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK." "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?" Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week." "What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a priest in a small parish."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on July 08, 2007, 11:47:36 AM
A senior citizen A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?" The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"
The 3 tragedies in a man's life: 1- life sucks 2- job sucks 3- Wife does NOT!
Question
Q: What do you call a fly without legs? A: A walk!
And
Q: What do you call a dead bee? A: A was.
Mexican Oysters
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senior, sometimes the bull wins".
Brain
I am your Doctor. Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem. Your brain is in 2 parts... left, and right. The left part has nothing right in it and the right has nothing left in it
Manners
A lady tells her Man: 'I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table'. The man climbs into bed slowly and says: 'Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?'
Waiste
Question: 'Why is a waist called a waist?' Answer: 'because anything above the pussy and below the tits is a waste' (no offense intended with this one)
A funeral service
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
Money Coming In
An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone, he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts and if anyone has gone to Heaven, he has." They walked on a bit farther and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now, there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to Hell, he has." The little boy thought for awhile and then said, "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky." "Why"? asked the old man in surprise. "Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money waiting when you get there!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on July 10, 2007, 07:55:16 AM
One time ah Trini and a Guyanese were neighbors. The Trini owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day the Trini looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Guyanese's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Guyanese pick up the egg.
The Trini ran up to the Guyanese and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Guyanese disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Trini said, "Back home, we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in your kook-a-looks and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in my kook-a-looks and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Guyanese agreed to this and so the Trini went inside and found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Guyanese and kicked him as hard as he could in his balls.WHOOTOOP! The Guyanese fell to the floor clutching his groin howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Guyanese stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you," The Trini said, "Nah,Nah, You keep the egg."
2.
Can you imagine some guy going 90 mph on the Churchill R. Highway with these balloons trailing about a few yards behind him?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on July 11, 2007, 11:36:16 PM
i was watching Chappelle some time ago and well allyuh know what skit i reffering too, hint : breakfast cereal
then i ran some dota, I -ar siren, the connection was made and...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on July 12, 2007, 11:36:28 AM
Optimus seems to be in trouble
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2007/7/9weaver.html
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jdcrys_Shinkuu on July 13, 2007, 07:46:26 PM
WWAAAAYAYYYYYY !!!! if the pic with rockets didnt take it ... the prime letter did.... nice....
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on July 15, 2007, 01:00:28 PM
yeah da pic rel bad
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: CMR170889 on July 17, 2007, 02:47:14 AM
CHAKRA That pic with the balloon rockets really wicked.
Aite so hear this.......
We normally use new egg or if you had a local version would it be called old onion or old bigan ?
I'm looking to upgrade my girl.........but what system should I get, how would dual or quad core perform on one. But I need one with more hdd space maybe even some Ram just imagine a new system (girl) with a totally new mother.....board and also a better psu for the system so it wont lag with laziness.
Aside from that I'm looking to upgrade my gf should I go to SLI ? (two instead of one)
I have nothing good to say. Thank You
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on July 18, 2007, 08:48:06 AM
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!
Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?"
Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love After having met you .. I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky , West Virginia, & New Found land)
Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike!
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time let's say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on July 18, 2007, 08:53:07 AM
Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
:awesome:
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on July 19, 2007, 02:47:39 PM
A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."
Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."
"Rubbish," says the girl.
"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."
The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."
"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."
"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on July 24, 2007, 10:04:59 AM
Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said: "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary !
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"
" Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
*****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
*****************************************
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on July 24, 2007, 02:00:06 PM
A joke about lebanese
Where there are lebanese ..... there must be a problem........................
The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We have some Lebanese up here in heaven that are causing problems.
They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabanas instead of their white robes, they're riding BMW's instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to
people for discount prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating sunflower and watermelon seeds and smoking water pipe . Some of them are walking around with just one wing!'
The Lord said, 'Lebanese are Lebanese. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the devil.' The Devil answered the phone, 'Hello? hold on a minute.' The Devil
returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?' Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.' The Devil said, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, 'I'm back.Now what was the question?' Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?' The Devil said, 'Man I don't believe
this.......Hold on.'
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, 'I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Lebanese have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning..!!!
Brokeback Moutain Wife
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One wasgay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied shedecided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around thehouse than the drunk.He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go intotown and kick up yourheels."The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hiredhand.He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sittingby the fireplace with a glass of wine,waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. she directed.
"Now take off my boots" He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light
"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes intotown again, you're fired." Had ya goin' didn't I ?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on August 06, 2007, 11:55:46 AM
A housewife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock on the door. When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina. The woman slams the door in disbelief at what a stranger has just asked her. The same thing happens for three consecutive days and the woman decides to tell her husband. The husband says to the wife,
"Tomorrow I am not going to work and when the man asks if you have a vagina, say 'yes' and I will be hiding behind the door."
The next day the same man comes again, and when the woman opens the door he asks if she has a vagina.
The woman says, "Yes".
The man then said, "Good! Then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife." And believe it or not this really happen
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No ." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME .!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on August 15, 2007, 05:28:02 PM
The Kitchen B1tch
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 -year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of you sons of b1tches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the
last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your @sse$ on the
train...cause we're going down the tracks. The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use
that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you
come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language.'Two hours later, the boy came out of the
bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... 'All passengers,
please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.'
She heard her little darling continue...'For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you
will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.' As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'For those of
you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b1tch in the kitchen.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on August 15, 2007, 05:54:16 PM
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend
that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is
to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes
pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on August 16, 2007, 08:20:06 AM
Is there a problem Officer? Officer: Sir, you were speeding. Man: Oh I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Man: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Man: Lost it 4 times for drink driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Man: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Man: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Man: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner. Officer: You what? Man: She's in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The man steps out of his vehicle.
Man: Is there a problem sir? Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Man: Murdered the owner? Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car sir? Man: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officer's claims that you do not have a driving license.
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, raped, and murdered the owner. Man: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on August 16, 2007, 08:33:30 AM
Heard the second one already but LMFAOROFL @ the first one. Chakra fot that!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on August 30, 2007, 11:25:18 AM
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache." It Worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With That, He goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my Wife. She's Not my wife. She's not my wife..." His funeral services will be held on Friday.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on September 05, 2007, 11:56:31 AM
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine"? the lawyer asked. Boudreaux responded, "Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . . . . " "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"? Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down da road . . ." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about hiis favorite mule, Bessie." Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at tall. But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some kind o' terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a Highway Patrolman, he came on da scene.
He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin' so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes.
Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in hand, and looked at me, and said 'How are you feeling?'"
"Now what da hell would you say?!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on September 06, 2007, 12:58:41 PM
Chakra for dat one!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on September 12, 2007, 09:08:29 AM
Potentially NSFW
A guy has a h0rny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, and the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet. The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a h0rny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine." The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for?" Finally, the guy says "All right" and hands over the fifteen dollars. The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain.
Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" The cage starts shaking and feathers come flying out. The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain. The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he's pulling out all her feathers. He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you n@ked, b***h. N@ked!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on September 12, 2007, 09:17:27 AM
:shakehead:
You, sir, take some chakra
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on September 12, 2007, 12:25:42 PM
LAWD.... O_O
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on September 13, 2007, 07:56:17 AM
A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the Secretary, "I would like to join this damn church." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this Church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. " "I see," said the pastor. "And is this b1tch giving you a hard time?"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on September 13, 2007, 08:44:36 AM
lol not so much for the joke but for the tag under your sig
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: daniboy79 on September 13, 2007, 11:46:32 AM
not really a joke, but it made me laugh...
MY NEXT LIFE
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then..........
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then.............
You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on September 13, 2007, 11:49:32 AM
That would be George Carlin... anyways
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men develop female characteristics.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects: 1) Argued over nothing. 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. 3) Gained weight. 4) Talked excessively without making sense. 5) Became overly emotional. 6) Couldn't drive. 7) Failed to think rationally 8) Had to sit down while urinating. No further testing was considered necessary.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on September 13, 2007, 12:06:16 PM
oh im going to show that to my female co-workers
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: BloodWar on September 13, 2007, 02:01:40 PM
Short one :D
A boy walks up to his father Boy: Daddy how many blonde jokes are there? Father : Only 1 son the rest are true stories
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on September 14, 2007, 03:51:04 PM
Not one of the best
Two Chimps and a Blonde?
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over--- so now we're going to Sea World.
Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed. "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest p3nis the doctor had ever seen.
It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then, Fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me."
On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!'"
"I don't remember much after that"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on September 20, 2007, 11:44:45 AM
sorry about the double post but the other one done long already I've highlighted my favourite ones
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a woman steals a husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
A Woman's Prayer Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him.
*****************************************
HOW TO KNOW IF UR SANE!!!!!
The Bathtub Test
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined
whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: NEEKSBOD on October 03, 2007, 12:13:00 PM
Potential & Reality
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "O my god! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
:ph34r:
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on October 05, 2007, 02:09:02 PM
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.
7 Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8 As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan n at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
(*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER) 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family, unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on October 08, 2007, 07:38:56 AM
LOL AAHAHAH good one W1n
Every morning John would drive by Wrightson Road and every morning he would stop and give the resident beggar $10.00.
After a while John started to give the beggar $7.00. The Beggar, noticing that his money has been reduced, was not too pleased, but said nothing.
After a while John started to give the Beggar $5.00. The Beggar, noticing this further decrease became noticeably upset and decided to speak to John about it.
He stopped John one morning after accepting $5.00 and said, "Wah happening man?" "Yuh use to give me $10.00, den yuh cut it down to $7.00, now dis?"
John replied, "Boy, times get hard. Meh eldest boy just start university and meh daughter now in High School...so yuh know how it does go..."
The beggar looked at him with impatience and asked, "Exactly how much chirren yuh have boss?"
"Four" replied John
The now irate beggar asked in a tone of disbelief, "So yuh mean to tell me that is outa MY money yuh sending yuh chirren to school?"
*********************************************************************** Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old lady: There I was, sitting there on my swing on my front porch, on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly!
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some thirty years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbinh made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man, take me!'
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell no!! He just yelled, 'April Fools!'
And that's when I shot him, the little b@stard !!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: AR!Ø on October 08, 2007, 05:16:38 PM
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on October 09, 2007, 09:08:26 AM
DAT was bad! chakra for you!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: AR!Ø on October 09, 2007, 12:32:42 PM
Today is my father's 50th. birthday and just cuz of that I remembered this one which he spent about 15 minutes cracking up (and struggling to not show it) while on a plane, which I thought was as funny as the joke...It's possibly NSFW, so here goes:
Three old men in a home are playind dominos and just old talking in general. The first one begins "Boy I have real troubles in my old age. 65 years and I don't know...every morning at 6 I piss like a race horse for a good 15-20 minutes."
The next one shares his troubles "You think that's bad? 76 years I goin now, and for the past 5 I HAVE to get up and shit like a greedy cow with diahorrea around 5:30 am. That's why my asshole son agreed with his bitch wofe to put me in here"
The last one, the oldest cackles mirthlessly at these two proclamations and throws in his lot: "You two have it nice compared to me. Every God day, as if at the crack of dawn I piss like a diabetic in winter right before my bowels show me that they're the best muscles in my body that feel young."
the other two say: "wow thats bad"
He shakes his head and replies: "The worst part? I don't wake up until 9"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on October 11, 2007, 06:30:25 AM
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show. We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
And Leno's comment upon hearing the story is PERFECT!!!
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, the re came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first ; place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment... "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: AR!Ø on October 12, 2007, 11:51:27 AM
A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.
"Yes. You're wearing contacts."
Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"
"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."
A traveling salesman is in West Virginia when he comes upon a house with a little boy sitting on the front steps.
"Son, is your mother home?" The little boy nods yes.
"Can I see her please?" The boy nods again, and they go around to the back of the house where they find the mother on the ground, humping away with a sheep.
"Son, do you see what your mother is doing?" The boy nods yes.
"Do you know what that is?" The boy nods.
"Doesn't that bother you?"
"Naaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: NEEKSBOD on October 18, 2007, 10:40:21 AM
Lord, Don't Let Me Be Late!
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off,and started running again.
As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't shove me either."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on October 22, 2007, 10:21:08 AM
lol cute...
>This is very funny - i would not have forwarded it if it wasnt - and >dont try to hide it cuz you know deep down that this is not strange >stuff u reading!!! :-) > > >HOW TO POOP AT WORK > > > >We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to > >convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those > >who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking > >a dump at work. > > > >CROP DUSTING > >When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not > >in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it > >came from. > >Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been > >expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your > >pants. > > > >FLY BY > >The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. > >Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the > >bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a > >FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you > >constantly going into the bathroom. > > > >ESCAPEE > >A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a > >poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of > >embarrassment. > >If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. > >Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in > >the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. > >No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making > >a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. > > > >JAILBREAK > >When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. > >This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this > >should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has > >left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just > >occurred. > > > >COURTESY FLUSH > >The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. > >This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the > >bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF > >SHAME. > > > >WALK OF SHAME > >Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just > >stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if > >someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend > >that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the > >COURTESY FLUSH. > > > >OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER > >A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. > >You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom > >with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around > >the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the > >bathroom. > > > >THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) > >A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping > >goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the > >whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. > > > >SAFE HAVENS > >A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least > >expect visitors.. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite > >sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the > >bathroom. > > > >TURD BURGLAR > >Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to > >force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable > >moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, > >remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will > >avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. > > > >CAMO-COUGH > >A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you > >are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to > >alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in > >conjunction with an ASTAIRE. > > > >ASTAIRE > >A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that > >you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall > >is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately > >so the pooper can poop in peace. > > > >WATERMELON > >A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This > >is also an embarrassing incident. > >If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See > >CAMO-COUGH. > > > >HAVANA OMELET > >A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the > >toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough > >with an Astaire. > > > >UNCLE TED > >A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. > >Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or > >sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on > >the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is > >empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. > > > >WATER SPOUT > >A situation in which the waste that has just been deployed forces the > >water in which it was submerged, is force back onto the rectum of the > >pooping worker. > >Such a situation can be prevented with a CATCHER'S MIT > > > >CATCHER'S MIT > >The process in which the pooper, prior to deploying his waste, lays > >down a primary bunch of toilet paper in order to prevent a Water > >Spout. As the waste hits the floating toilet paper, it is met with a > >soft >cushion that does not disturb the water.
A young Jamaican father-to-be awakened the village doctor in the middle of the night saying "Docta! Docta! Come fas! A mi wife sah! Ar water bruk an shi bout fi av di pikni!" The doctor came over and told the father
"Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh!" The father obliged, and behold, a baby's cry was soon heard. The father cried out: "Praise di Laad! A wan boy! Me a de proud faada a wan baby boy!"
The doctor again told the father, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh man!". The father again complied, and to be sure, another cry was heard. The father excitedly proclaimed: "A wan twin!! Mi get twin baby! Me doubly bless! Glory to Gad!"
The doctor instructed, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh!" Sure enough, a THIRD cry was heard! The father, somewhat subdued, in a nervous tone, muttered, "Oh Tank Jesus."
The doctor repeated, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh man!", and a short while yet a FOURTH cry was heard. The father said nothing, being lost in deep thought. The doctor for a fifth time commanded "Hold up di lamp higher man. Hold di lamp higher nuh!"
The father then asked; "Doc, yuh tink maybe a di light a attrac dem?"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on October 25, 2007, 02:55:07 PM
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on October 25, 2007, 03:59:57 PM
Chakra for you!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: NEEKSBOD on October 30, 2007, 02:04:16 PM
3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.
The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."
The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.
The last man came into the office. The interviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!" :awesome:
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: AvatarTT on October 30, 2007, 04:54:55 PM
^^ OMG XD
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: NEEKSBOD on October 31, 2007, 04:36:17 PM
Something I had to share…
My cousin told me about a man down the street who collects money from the government every month because of his broken foot. He does not work, he doesn’t do anything just sits around all day living off the government money.
One day (my cousin went on) while hanging under the tree, a local hangout spot for the local man in the island, an argument arose between the crooked foot man and a drunk man. The drunk man upset at the crooked man stated, “this man is a bull shitter while ye sit there all day doing and talking shit and taking money from government others who got it worse than him have to work in that condition.” He (my cousin almost crying from laughter at the time) went on saying, “ see let me tell you, I was watching TV one day and I saw this man with no arms and legs laying blocks!!!”
Sometimes these things make me wonder what drunken ppl really are seeing on TV.
Note that this is not the way they speak but I cannot write like that anymore so you have to go through the English version. :happy0203:
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: NEEKSBOD on October 31, 2007, 04:38:05 PM
i lost my accent after attending a private school... we use to get cut ass when we didnt talk properly.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: BeoBear on October 31, 2007, 08:09:51 PM
what...private school...dare ruins the beauty of Trinidadian dialect, we are talking "properly!"...it is our dialect..wtmc
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: NEEKSBOD on November 01, 2007, 12:29:48 PM
i know that... its just that they thought that when we talked it made us look low... i do not cooperate with it, its just that it was either that or get thrown out.
not being racist or anything but it was mainly full of white kids, and they sounded shitty themselves. pissed me off when they talked. oh like one time like i went like swimming and like i liked it and like it was fun. that sort off shit.
Dont get me wrong but i was one of the ppl who like cutting their tail the <<avoid profanity in it's open form please use F@#$ for example>> out of them, Oh the memories!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on November 02, 2007, 09:27:31 AM
this cracked me up...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: BeoBear on November 03, 2007, 01:37:10 PM
LOL
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: NEEKSBOD on November 06, 2007, 04:45:02 PM
Sergeant Jones was doing a drill one morning when a letter was given to him. Sergeant stood up and shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS STAND UP!.....YOUR MOTHER HAS DIED!" Private Williams immediately bawled into tears and fainted. Sergeant Smith told Sergeant Jones, "You should have broken the news to him nicer....he wouldn't have been so upset." Two months had passed, Sergeant Jones was running another drill and he received another letter which stated that Private Williams' father had died, and then he thought for a minute and then shouted, "EVERYONE WHOSE FATHER IS ALIVE, TAKE ONE STEP FORWARD" and so they did, and then Sergeant Jones shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS... WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on November 07, 2007, 03:51:43 PM
GG
A man with a bad stomach ache goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep into the rectum.
The man agrees and the doctor tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
“What’s the matter hun?” asked his wife. “Did I hurt you?”
“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.”
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on November 07, 2007, 04:14:58 PM
OH MY WORD!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: NEEKSBOD on November 08, 2007, 05:59:41 PM
Thats is sooooo nasty!!! were do u get that from?
mi ma wud die if she see da
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: NEEKSBOD on November 08, 2007, 06:00:56 PM
One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: NEEKSBOD on November 09, 2007, 04:11:33 PM
Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the cheif then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The cheif calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The cheif rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: NEEKSBOD on November 12, 2007, 02:19:27 PM
Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".
Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".
Before he could finish the old lady fainted!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on November 14, 2007, 11:47:45 AM
School 1957 vs. School 2007
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school sy stem and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to f ly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1957 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Redlum08 on November 14, 2007, 12:16:20 PM
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school sy stem and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to f ly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1957 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
Daiz not a JOKE, that's REALITY! LOL
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on November 14, 2007, 04:41:11 PM
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. The 1st floor has wives who love sex. The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money. The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited
:awesome:
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jarrox on November 15, 2007, 09:55:36 AM
LOL good one
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: NEEKSBOD on November 21, 2007, 12:50:25 PM
The True Origin of the Internet
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on November 26, 2007, 05:01:37 PM
If you're sitting in a train, airplane, bus, whatever and the person next to you is annoying you, follow these simple steps:
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case. 2. Remove your laptop. 3. Start up 4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen. 5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky. 6. Then hit this link. (http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf) __________________
:happy0203:
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jarrox on December 20, 2007, 09:46:01 AM
If you're sitting in a train, airplane, bus, whatever and the person next to you is annoying you, follow these simple steps:
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case. 2. Remove your laptop. 3. Start up 4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen. 5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky. 6. Then hit this link. (http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf) __________________
:happy0203:
LOLOLOLOLOLO good one jed i eh laugh so 4 d week... thx NEO take some chakra!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on January 15, 2008, 01:50:57 PM
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on January 26, 2008, 07:08:24 PM
NSFExams
30 sumthing things to do in an exam
1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.
7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)
15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.
23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.
24. Masturbate.
25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
31. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.
32. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
33. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E...."
34. Fake an orgasm. When interrupted, apologize, and explain that question #__ moved you, deeply.
35. Wear a superman outfit under your normal clothes. 30 minutes into the exam, jump up and answer your phone, shouting "What? I'm on my way!!". rip off your outer clothes and run out of the room. strike a pose first for added effect.
36. Tailgate outside the classroom before the exam.
37. If your answers are on a scantron sheet, fill it out in pen.
38. Bring a giant cockroach into the room and release it on a girl nearby.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on January 29, 2008, 12:40:37 PM
Little Johnny's at it again.... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?"
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on February 07, 2008, 04:14:21 PM
80-year old lady was being interviewed by the local news station because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her, "Would you mind telling me a little about your first three husbands and what they did for a living?"
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, "I first married a banker when I was in my early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in my 40's, later on a preacher when in my 60's, and now, in my 80's, a funeral director."
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked, "Why did you marry four men with such diverse careers?"
She smiled and explained "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"
******************************************************************************* Subject: Teachers & Cops..Ya gotta love 'em
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded.
1 Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 4. Your son is depriving a village some where of an 'idiot'. 5.Your son sets low personal standards, and then consistently fails to achieve them. 6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. 7. This child has been working with glue too much. 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child, beat out 1,000,000 others. 12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead.
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
13. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.' 14. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile.' 15. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.' 16. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.' 17. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.' 18. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?' 19. 'Yes,sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?' 20. 'Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.' 21. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?' 22. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.' 23. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.' 24. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.' 25. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?' 26. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.' 27. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.' AND THE WINNER IS.... 28. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: AR!Ø on February 10, 2008, 06:18:13 PM
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''
The farmer shot Chuck.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on February 23, 2008, 10:26:50 AM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on February 23, 2008, 10:56:28 AM
lol first time i see that i real buss out
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Trinitus on February 23, 2008, 08:31:18 PM
I real connect to that last Police comment, LOL ah have something to try.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Philosophical45 on February 23, 2008, 08:41:05 PM
haha, well she proved it works..lol
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Trinitus on February 26, 2008, 03:40:29 PM
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason you would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on February 26, 2008, 03:59:56 PM
ROFL lol @ that last police comment and bout half of them teachers ting wayyyyyyyyyyyy
dem students absolutely fail at lifre roflol
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on February 26, 2008, 11:07:23 PM
saw this before but hahhhahaa @ 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on February 27, 2008, 12:36:59 PM
WAYS!!! CHAKRA FOR YOU!!!! ROFLMAO!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on February 28, 2008, 08:30:29 AM
True story from a ickle girl......
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :) 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?'
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jdcrys_Shinkuu on February 28, 2008, 06:56:55 PM
Ohhhhh DD@@MMNN
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on February 28, 2008, 10:17:13 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on February 29, 2008, 12:58:37 PM
ill give you 20 cause iam still like O.O ... poor kitty lawl
ummz lawl could yall please stop posting english comics? i keep trying to read them from right to left lol
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: AR!Ø on March 07, 2008, 01:26:13 PM
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on March 26, 2008, 10:38:16 AM
WARNING: Strong Language AHEAD!
http://www.vgcats.com/comics/images/080324.jpg
B**ch be tripping BALLS!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jdcrys_Shinkuu on March 26, 2008, 10:51:52 AM
Have we allowed cussing on GATT since ive been in d hospital.... n from you of all people neo....i know u know about photoshop a blur at least man....funny but could have been sensored
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on March 26, 2008, 11:09:21 AM
Have we allowed cussing on GATT since ive been in d hospital.... n from you of all people neo....i know u know about photoshop a blur at least man....funny but could have been sensored
My bad. I'll make the warning bigger, then. And no, I don't have Photoshop here right now, so I can't blur it.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on March 26, 2008, 11:34:27 AM
You could use low tech ...PAINT O_O or do Paint.net as I did to blur the expletives. Paint.net is a free relatively small program that is windows based and can do alot of basics like blurs, distorts, magic wands etc. google it.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on March 26, 2008, 11:55:43 AM
You could use low tech ...PAINT O_O or do Paint.net as I did to blur the expletives. Paint.net is a free relatively small program that is windows based and can do alot of basics like blurs, distorts, magic wands etc. google it.
And now, the image is broken. Thanks a heap.
In any case, there's now a link in its place.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: BeoBear on March 27, 2008, 05:53:50 PM
I know its the rules...buh lord, is a cuss, the damn man who does sell doubles to school chirren does be cussin...yall need to relax.. and the man put up a blarin sign sayin it have strong language.
go and get some chillpills.
EDIT: Sorry, Central, but I don't think that joke is very appropriate.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on March 27, 2008, 11:01:01 PM
I know its the rules...buh lord, is a cuss, the damn man who does sell doubles to school chirren does be cussin...yall need to relax.. and the man put up a blarin sign sayin it have strong language.
Quoted for Emphasis.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Arcmanov on March 27, 2008, 11:22:14 PM
Really...some of you need to grow a pair or GTFO... :shakehead:
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on March 27, 2008, 11:49:14 PM
rofl kek @ meowth thats right ^_^ funny stuff
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on April 08, 2008, 12:44:42 PM
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies... Suddenly, at 3 0'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman,sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Shit! That must be my husband!'
So the guy quickly got out of bed scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.
Just a few minutes later he returned and screams at the woman 'I'm your husband, you slut!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah?... So why were you running? You son of a b1tch!'
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: AR!Ø on April 13, 2008, 03:17:41 PM
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: chinarakinda on May 01, 2008, 10:02:00 AM
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
LOL...classic
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Silvaback on May 18, 2008, 01:57:44 AM
3 men crash landed on a island. A trini, chinee and african. So they vote the trini to lead them in their task of survival. Trini: Ok, Udo your first item is to go and fine some Wild Meat. You know since you does run down them ting. You could do it in yuh jockey shorts if u more comfortable. I on the other hand will go and get some Coconut, since I could climb an ting. Well boy Wing yuh done allyuh Chinee Innovative you could go in de bush and get some supplies. Last person to arrive will be voted off the island! Scene?! Nice ............... So an hour passed, plenty coconut water and roast lappe ready to get wolf down when they realise "where Wing dah man sticking wid de supplies man? He en know I go vote his @$$ off this mc island" So the bossman and Udo head into the bush looking for Wing. Ready for some shyt to kill them they walk cautiously. Then A rustle in the bushes........Wing fly out the bush and shout.."Suplise!!!" .......
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on May 18, 2008, 05:54:48 AM
even though that was racist as f*** and i hungry for some lappe and coconut water
that was funny as hell lol lol
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Synchronomyst on May 18, 2008, 07:25:49 AM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Jdcrys_Shinkuu on May 20, 2008, 11:19:59 AM
i think that belongs in the WTMC thread lol
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Trinitus on May 21, 2008, 09:55:52 AM
Ok ...that was weird...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Synchronomyst on June 03, 2008, 11:37:18 PM
Back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.
In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery to Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: chinarakinda on July 10, 2008, 12:38:37 PM
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little shit.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on July 10, 2008, 01:50:01 PM
yeah old news for us techs
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on July 14, 2008, 12:51:33 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: AR!Ø on August 16, 2008, 01:41:24 AM
How is that not funny?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Synchronomyst on August 16, 2008, 11:58:48 AM
XKCD...high-brow for the sake of it.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on September 19, 2008, 03:29:46 PM
http://www.explosm.net/comics/1400/
rofl
iam a big fan but this one i dont know... i feel kinda dirty laffing at it...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Kraeoss on September 19, 2008, 07:42:55 PM
thaz just wrong man... that's not cool. and all Jesus jokes are really offensive, i mean dudes he died for us and that's how we pay him back ?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: BeoBear on September 19, 2008, 08:01:23 PM
I beg to differ...
I really dont think that the J-man would mind..but then..thats just my personal views..
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Kraeoss on September 19, 2008, 08:04:59 PM
who do u worship ?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: AR!Ø on September 19, 2008, 08:13:15 PM
LOL but would Jesus really swat a fly?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Arcmanov on September 19, 2008, 08:15:43 PM
Well then I'm goin STRAIGHT to hell, because I laughed my ASS off. :laughing7:
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Kraeoss on September 19, 2008, 08:28:20 PM
fellas i'm sorry about the beef. tis a free world and we are free to make mistakes. just dont make too much of them... they can haunt u in the future.... beleive me i know. :ko:
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on September 19, 2008, 08:42:47 PM
LOL!
yuh know i only now get it, for a bit i was like? why skittles hard to eat? swat flies? he have eyes on his hands?
indeed explosm does have some epic strips
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on September 19, 2008, 09:57:54 PM
love the sig of course
my coworker who told me bout the show, he has the theme song as his ring tone
totalll epic win zomg
and we have been insisting on using the first line of noob defense
have you tried turning it off then back on again?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: KillerSlim on September 22, 2008, 09:41:46 PM
?????????????????????Wat????
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on September 26, 2008, 09:44:05 AM
rofl xkcd
geek comic strip this one is hilarious titled, zealous autoconfig
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: AR!Ø on September 26, 2008, 11:15:49 AM
ENT
XKCD IS AWESOME.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on September 26, 2008, 11:23:56 AM
make me a sandwich....
what? make it yourself...
SUDO make me a sandwich...
ok
i remember this one i REAL laugh for...sigh...if only real women came with a set of admin credentials
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: AR!Ø on September 26, 2008, 11:38:11 AM
lol yeah, that one I had to check out since I not big in the programmin scene. I mostly like the ones that have more to do with the sarcasm/romance/light math. My favorite ones are under my sig, and of course, the three part one with the diary guy on the train.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on October 02, 2008, 03:11:33 AM
.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on October 02, 2008, 04:16:03 AM
.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on October 02, 2008, 05:48:24 AM
lol @ reality.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on October 02, 2008, 06:23:29 AM
my boy real rockin headset with boom mic too eh. lol
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on October 02, 2008, 09:12:38 AM
see he mouth open like he uber uber engrossed in the game rofl conduckin ah raid on de icecream truck outside or something
zomg @ the star wars band pic though. that IS indeed the most awesome thing evarrr!! hans and luke rockin the axes zomg *sigh* and my boy anakin probably using the force to amplify the feedback and the volume ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: ~*Ashiee*~ on December 05, 2008, 06:01:47 PM
Don't you just hate it when you invite somebody in from the cold rain outside only to have an elephant eat your couch?
...I know I do.
....wait. WHAT?!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on December 07, 2008, 05:06:02 PM
is that like a cool setup to make the other girl have to lie on her bed instead of the couch??? awesomeee setup if it is!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on December 07, 2008, 05:59:38 PM
Actually, yes. Yes it is. Click on the strip itself to see the rest of that story arc.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on December 08, 2008, 08:29:38 AM
lol best cliff hanger ending
evvarrrr lol nice
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on January 14, 2009, 01:50:38 PM
WARNING NSFW
A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, She spent the next hour just stroking his p*nis, Something she seemed to love to do. Enjoying it, He turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?' She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on January 14, 2009, 02:52:08 PM
thanks cross... i just spit water all over my effin screen steups
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on January 14, 2009, 03:01:25 PM
thanks cross... i just spit water all over my effin screen steups
I couldn't breathe for a while
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: EmpireKing on January 14, 2009, 08:34:57 PM
was funny.....not ROTFLMAO funny tho
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on January 19, 2009, 03:32:31 PM
http://failblog.org/2008/12/01/vicar-fail/
rofl rofl rofl rofl been killing my self laffin at the failness all day, but that one had to be shared
oh and a nice jab at circuit city roflz http://failblog.org/2008/11/28/employee-intelligence-fail/#comments
edit ok
this is what i get for wasting time at work and trying to be healthy at the same time.
was reading this one http://failblog.org/2008/11/20/security-fail-3/#comments and was eating some cheerios while drinking water i think proceed to choke while laffing and simultaneously have a stream of cheerios and water coming out of my nose... i think i dont like cheerios anymore..
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: ~*Ashiee*~ on January 21, 2009, 10:20:22 AM
i think proceed to choke while laffing and simultaneously have a stream of cheerios and water coming out of my nose... i think i dont like cheerios anymore..
DWL......now that is a good joke!!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA @ fall on the vegetable while naked.....AHHH WEEAAKKK!!
" scotteh November 28th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Just play along and no one will get hurt!" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AH GO DEAD CRIXX!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: ~*Ashiee*~ on January 21, 2009, 10:43:34 AM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on January 22, 2009, 08:56:38 PM
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... You need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you realize, you have been listening to your ipod. :confused4:
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: ~*Ashiee*~ on February 13, 2009, 02:32:22 PM
LOL @ iPOD that one had me rolling...
had to post this...I pee myself with this one (http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/fail-owned-eharmony-online-dating-fail.jpg)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Kraeoss on February 13, 2009, 02:40:50 PM
FAILURE indeed lol... in the fine print shoulda read " no STI's found in this incoming message." lol...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on March 08, 2009, 07:02:15 PM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on March 16, 2009, 06:47:30 PM
lol...crazy Spaniard.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on April 01, 2009, 02:30:07 PM
NWS
You have been warned
A bloke walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says, "Hey, would you let me bite your breasts for £100?"
She says, "Are you mad?"
He says, "OK, would you let me bite your breasts for £1000?"
She says, "I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
He says, "OK, would you let me bite your breasts just once for £10,000?"
She thinks about it and says, "OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go to into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman eventually gets annoyed and says "Well? Are you going to bite them or not?"
"Nah," he says. "Costs too much."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on April 01, 2009, 09:02:57 PM
CHAKRA FOR YOU!!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Cross on April 02, 2009, 07:21:50 AM
Slight NWS
A fella link up with a girl and he invited to come over to watch a movie so to try ah thing he put on a porno for dem to watch so after ah few minutes the girl look at him and said "hunny ah ready for some action" the guy got up and put on RAMBO......
Followed by
Little John and Ruth are only 10 years old and think they are in love. So they decide to get married. John bravely goes to Ruth's father and says, "Mr Levy, me and Ruth are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Keeping a serious face, Mr Levy replies, "Well John, you are 10, I believe. Where will you both live?"
John replies, "In Ruth's room. It's bigger than mine so we can both fit nicely."
Still trying not to smile, Mr Levy says, "OK then, where will you get enough money to support Ruth? You're not old enough to get a job."
John replies, "Ruth gets £8 a week pocket money and I get £7.50 a week pocket money. That's over £65 a month and that should be enough."
Mr Levy is surprised that John has put so much thinking into the marriage, so he tries to come up with something that John won't be able to answer. He says, "Well John , it seems like you’ve got everything worked out. I have just one more question for you. What will you do if you should have little ones of your own?"
John shrugs his shoulders and replies, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TheApprentice on May 05, 2009, 09:00:17 PM
lolzz
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Nephilim on May 05, 2009, 09:12:42 PM
sauce plix.
if someone really did that i would be laughing even harder. the woman return the drawing lol.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on May 19, 2009, 12:10:10 PM
Good ole Chuck :cowboy:
Chuck Norris invented C++ after roundhouse kicking C - TWICE
Chuck Norris is the Domain controller
Chuck Norris has the IP 0.0.0.0
Chuck Norris is mailer-daemon
Chuck Norris is Dr Watson
Chuck Norris monitor has no glare… no-one glares at Chuck Norris
format c: is the request to have Chuck Norris come roundhouse kick your PC
Chuck Norris has Windows XP on his Apple MAC
Chuck Norris never gets the page cannot be displayed error
Machine code is another name for Chuck Norris language
Chuck Norris CPU doesn’t have a fan
Chuck Norris can write DVDs on floppy drive
Chuck Norris invented the internet
Chuck Norris can paste pics in Notepad
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his 14400k modem & that’s how we got ADSL
Chuck Norris’s Dot matrix printer prints photos - in colour
Chuck Norris uses Notepad for a database
Chuck Norris’ PC speaker gives him 7.1 DTS surround sound
Chuck Norris can edit PDF files
Chuck Norris rips CDs with his hands
Chuck Norris can download Metallica mp3s using Napster
Chuck Norris has a yahoo account with hotmail
Chuck Norris has an Intel CPU on an AMD motherboard
Chuck Norris has to chain his mouse to his desktop
Chuck Norris can program a MAC with excel macros
Chuck Norris website has never had a hit - Nobody hits Chuck Norris’ website
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on May 19, 2009, 12:33:46 PM
Chuck Norris is the Domain controller
Chuck Norris can write DVDs on floppy drive
Epic
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Kraeoss on May 19, 2009, 12:49:41 PM
indeed chuck is epic lol...
another one was chuck norris saw an ant carrying a morsel of food home and round house kicked it.... the result was the san andreas fault.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: AR!Ø on May 21, 2009, 02:29:45 PM
THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippie.
"Yeah!", say the bus driver.. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her Virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a Flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Crixx_Creww on May 21, 2009, 05:50:49 PM
way @ chuck= .com lolzzzzz
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: New Era Outlaw on May 22, 2009, 06:50:57 AM
(http://www.fatawesome.com/comics/mobykombat.jpg)
GET OVER HE-
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on June 18, 2009, 10:51:10 AM
Villager on hot date
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Redlum08 on June 18, 2009, 11:09:04 AM
WTF!! ROFL! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
A Goat Backpack! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! OMG!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: AR!Ø on June 18, 2009, 11:16:24 AM
This gives new meaning to "pack animal" right? Or is this just the new way to keep delivery food fresh?
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on June 18, 2009, 11:27:45 AM
hahahahahahahahahahahah @ goat backpack. that win
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: rb on June 18, 2009, 11:41:45 AM
why does the guy in red look like a skinny imperial x
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniXaeno on June 18, 2009, 02:17:44 PM
lol @ goat backpack
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Redlum08 on June 18, 2009, 02:26:01 PM
Its true though, the man probably tie the legs together and put the Goat on like a backpack going to school...or in this case, his house for a cook-up....O_o LOL
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Kraeoss on June 18, 2009, 02:28:57 PM
wow lol thaz some funny shizz yo.... and the new fad "Goat Backpacks"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Arcmanov on June 20, 2009, 09:15:20 PM
Got this gem in a recent email...
Wal-Mart Cake
It took me a second, but make sure you read the story under the picture. Keep in mind this actually really did happen. This cake is for someone who was moving from an insurance claims office
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: AR!Ø on July 29, 2009, 01:28:18 AM
A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman,' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs that she could do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50 ?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house ?'
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it ?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50, and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
"And by the way" the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: chinarakinda on July 29, 2009, 10:05:46 AM
A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?' Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me..
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on July 29, 2009, 10:56:07 AM
Ok that is just wrong.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Arcmanov on July 29, 2009, 11:16:00 AM
...but it feels so right. :laughing7:
GOOD ONE!!!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on July 29, 2009, 12:22:46 PM
LMAO good one!
Title: Advice fail
Post by: Spazosaurus on July 30, 2009, 11:17:36 AM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: UltimateGamer on September 01, 2011, 01:56:40 AM
(http://lolsnaps.com/upload_pic/7257.jpg)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: LQDSNK on September 08, 2011, 04:16:56 PM
I heard this one today!
A Vibez orchard orange juice walks up to a Movado watch and asks for the time. The watch then replies i dunno. so the orange juice says "wham to you like you KAR-TEL time"
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Redfish on September 08, 2011, 05:41:22 PM
4 jamaican police officers were talking,when 1 of them said.."I had a bad dream last night. I dreamed that 10 batty man rape me...another policeman said..."Shut ya rass clat,yuh enjoyed it,cuz frm di 1st battyman touch yuh...yuh shudda wake up
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on September 08, 2011, 07:03:26 PM
A Vibez orchard orange juice walks up to a Movado watch and asks for the time. The watch then replies i dunno. so the orange juice says "wham to you like you KAR-TEL time"
Please hand in your joke telling privileges. Your services are no longer necessary.
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: LQDSNK on September 08, 2011, 09:00:05 PM
But that was my first offence :crybaby2:
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Spazosaurus on September 08, 2011, 09:26:07 PM
lol
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: VirtueTT on September 08, 2011, 10:14:26 PM
lemme save yuh here LQDSNK!
So ah man walk into a bar...
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: Doomtack on September 08, 2011, 10:27:15 PM
for SHAME LQD! I am Disappoint!
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: shivadee on October 22, 2011, 03:13:58 PM
http://youtu.be/2ljFfL-mL70
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniLink on November 17, 2011, 11:43:48 AM
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on November 17, 2011, 02:35:48 PM
Dem Tom Tom vids WIN (100)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: VirtueTT on December 09, 2011, 04:18:08 PM
quoted from BeoBear's BBM status - "u sexy too bad girl. yuh like varnish, yuh good fuh wood!"
*DEAD*
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: TriniLink on December 09, 2011, 05:16:00 PM
Years back a buddy and I went to take in Aliens Vs. Predator movie, and unknowingly we sat between 2 Rasta guys on the front row of the balcony in Globe cinema.
Movie was going good, sound was wicked, and when the first predator appeared onscreen, we were hit with a surround sound not from the speakers, but from the 2 rastas shouting "JAH, RASTAFARI!!!!!!" :awesome:
Let's just say we were startled and we both did a smh and a faceplam... why us... :ko:
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: W1nTry on December 09, 2011, 05:18:46 PM
(yao)
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: captainchris on December 11, 2011, 11:57:32 PM
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris
Title: Re: Just a Joke
Post by: madmunkie on February 01, 2012, 09:02:41 AM