Just a Joke

[EmpireKing]

yeah da pic rel bad

[CMR170889]

CHAKRA    That pic with the balloon rockets really wicked.


Aite so hear this.......

We normally use new egg or if you had a local version would it be called old onion or old bigan ?


I'm looking to upgrade my girl.........but what system should I get, how would dual or quad core perform on one. But I need one with more hdd space maybe even some Ram just imagine a new system (girl) with a totally new mother.....board and also a better psu for the system so it wont lag with laziness.


Aside from that          I'm looking to upgrade my gf    should I go to SLI ?    (two instead of one)



I have nothing good to say.
Thank You

[W1nTry]

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.
But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
 
Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
 
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
 
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love
After having met you .. I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky , West Virginia, & New Found land)
 
Happy birthday!
You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike!
 
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time
let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you,
it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay

[W1nTry]

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge
bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

 

[Cross]

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."

Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."

"Rubbish," says the girl.

"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."

"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."

"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"

[W1nTry]

Marriage (Part I )
 
  Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady,
  after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
   
  "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
  I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
  I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
  I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
  I'll  go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
  when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
  give me a hard time about it.
  Those are my rules.  Any comments?"
           
  His new bride said:
  "No, that's fine with me.  Just understand that there will be sex
  here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

    ************************************************

     Marriage (Part II)
   
   
      Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary !

   
  The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
  that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

   
   " Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
  that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"
   
   
*****************************************
   
    Marriage (Part III)
   
   
    Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
 
  Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
  good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
   
   
  After some time he realizes he was nasty and
  decides to make amends and rings her up.
 
  She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
  says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"
   

    She says, "I was in bed."
   
  "In bed this early, doing what?"
   
   "Getting a second opinion!"
   
  *****************************************
   
    Marriage (Part IV)
       
   
  A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.   
 
  He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
  wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
   
 
  One night, they go to a party.  The man decides that it IS time to go home
  and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.  He shouts
  at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
   
   
  His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
  shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
   
    *****************************************
   
    THE SILENT TREATMENT
   
  A man and his wife were having some problems at home
  and were giving each other the silent treatment.
 
  Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
  to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
 
  Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
  of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ."  He left it where he knew she would find it.
 
  The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
  was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

   
  Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
  noticed a piece of paper by the bed.   The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM .  Wake up."
   
     
  *****************************************

[Cross]

A joke about lebanese


Where there are lebanese ..... there must be a
problem........................

The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We
have some Lebanese up here in heaven that are causing problems.

They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are
wearing Dolce and Gabanas instead of their white robes, they're riding
BMW's instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to

people for discount prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven
clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating sunflower and
watermelon seeds and smoking  water pipe . Some of them are walking
around with just one wing!'


The Lord said, 'Lebanese are Lebanese. Heaven is home to all my
children. If you want to know about real problems, call the devil.'
The Devil answered the phone, 'Hello?  hold on a minute.' The Devil

returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'
Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're
having down there.'
The Devil said, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said,
'I'm back.Now what was the question?' Gabriel said, 'What kind of
problems are you having down there?' The Devil said, 'Man I don't believe

this.......Hold on.'

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said,
'I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Lebanese have put
out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning..!!!


Brokeback Moutain Wife

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.She was a
very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for
a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One wasgay and the other a
drunk.

 She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied
shedecided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around thehouse than the drunk.He proved to be a hard worker who put in
long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of
them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go intotown and kick up yourheels."The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
 One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hiredhand.He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sittingby the fireplace with a glass of wine,waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. she directed.

"Now take off my boots" He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off
my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the fire light

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands,
he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him
and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes intotown again, you're fired." Had
ya goin' didn't I ?

[Cross]

 A housewife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock on the door. When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina.
The woman slams the door in disbelief at what a stranger has just asked her. The same thing happens for three consecutive days and the woman decides to tell her husband. The husband says to the wife,

 "Tomorrow I am not going to work and when the man asks if you have a vagina, say 'yes' and I will be hiding behind the door."

The next day the same man comes again, and when the woman opens the door he asks if she has a vagina.

The woman says, "Yes".

The man then said,
"Good! Then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife." And believe it or not this really happen

******************************************************************************************************

Why parents drink


A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.  Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.  " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"  " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?"  Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy   ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME .!!

[Spazosaurus]

The Kitchen B1tch

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 -year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of you sons of b1tches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the

last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your @sse$ on the

train...cause we're going down the tracks. The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use

that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you

come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language.'Two hours later, the boy came out of the

bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... 'All passengers,

please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.'

She heard her little darling continue...'For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you

will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.' As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'For those of

you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b1tch in the kitchen.

[Spazosaurus]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend

that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is

to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
 
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.



That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and

meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes

pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you

were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Cross]

Is there a problem Officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Man: Oh I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Man: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Man: Lost it 4 times for drink driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Man: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Man: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Man: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner.
Officer: You what?
Man: She's in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The man steps out of his vehicle.

Man: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Man: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car sir?
Man: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officer's claims that you do not have a driving license.

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, raped, and murdered the owner.
Man: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!


============================================================



A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"

[Spazosaurus]

Heard the second one already but LMFAOROFL @ the first one. Chakra fot that!

[W1nTry]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told  me To  Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball  Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see  the  Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his  Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into The Bathroom and comes back.
A few minutes later and jumps  into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes  Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better  than The First time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With  That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife. She's Not my wife. She's not my wife..."
His funeral services will be held on Friday.

[Cross]

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine"?
the lawyer asked.
Boudreaux responded, "Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus
loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . . . . "
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
"I'm fine!"?
Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving
down da road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about hiis favorite mule, Bessie."
Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "I had just loaded Bessie,
my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway
when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck
right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
da udder. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at tall. But,
I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some
kind o' terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a
Highway Patrolman, he came on da scene.

He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin' so, him, he went over ta her. After he took
hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes.

Den da
Patrolman came cross da road, gun in hand, and looked at me, and said
'How are you feeling?'"

 

"Now what da hell would you say?!"

[W1nTry]

Chakra for dat one!

[Cross]

Potentially NSFW

A guy has a h0rny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the
cage, the bird humps his arm.
He invites his mother to tea, and the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.
The vet examines the bird extensively, says,
"Well, you have a h0rny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."
The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for?"
Finally, the guy says "All right" and hands
over the fifteen dollars. The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage
with the female bird, closes the curtain.

Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" The cage starts shaking and feathers come flying out. The vet says, "Holy gee,"
and runs across the room and opens the curtain.
The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he's pulling out all her feathers.
He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you n@ked, b***h. N@ked!"
 

[Spazosaurus]

 

You, sir, take some chakra

[W1nTry]

LAWD.... O_O

[Spazosaurus]

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the Secretary, "I would like to join this damn church." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this Church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. " "I see," said the pastor. "And is this b1tch giving you a hard time?"

[Cross]

lol not so much for the joke but for the tag under your sig